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THE
PLAIN TRUTH ABOUT CHILD REARING
by Garner Ted
Armstrong
1963, 1970, 1971, 1974
edition
Never has there been a time when the
truth about child
training has been more sorely
needed. We are faced with a veritable
landslide of juvenile crime and
lawlessness.
Besides those future millions who will
actually become
entangled with law enforcement
agencies, there are many times that
number who, even though not
actually running afoul of the law, are
rebellious, hostile, frustrated,
and have no personal desire to
make something of themselves.
What can you do to insure yourself
against the eventuality of
having your children become
delinquent, and to have a guarantee
that your children will grow up
being obedient, respectful,
considerate and loving -- having
the right values and a real sense of
responsibility?
Chapter One
WHAT IS A CHILD?
"CONGRATULATIONS! say all the
friends, relatives and greeting
cards to the beaming parents.
And what a tremendous moment it
is -- bringing a newborn child
into the world -- introducing him
around.
And what a responsibility. Youthful
couples, carefree and
unencumbered, suddenly become
aware of a great responsibility.
A Plan of Action
Countless thousands of little babies are
carried into homes
where exists the naive
assumption that all the knowledge and
understanding necessary for the
care and training of children has
come to exist automatically by
virtue of the arrival of the infant.
There are many mechanics, engineers,
artists or musicians
today who are competent in their
fields merely because they had the
tools, machinery or instruments
near them as a part of their
environment. Many mechanics are
grown-up boys who began "tinkering"
with machines and automobiles --
learning by trial and error -- taking
them apart and seeing how they
were put together again.
This, sad to say, is the identical type
of training course
pursued by most parents in the
art of child training. Simply
because the baby is near at
hand, and is now a wanted or unwanted
inheritance of the family,
parents blithely assume the child will
develop just as they desire.
"Competent parenthood is looked
upon generally as a sort of
magic endowment that makes study
unnecessary. No grasp of the
responsibilities and no vision
of the great possibilities are
considered essential when
entering the career. Sometimes there is
no special desire for children
-- merely a lucky accident ... No
special thought is given to the
new character problems that arise
from day to day. No plan of
action is outlined" (Leslie B. Hohman,
"As the Twig Is Bent",
New York, The Macmillan Co., p. 2).
What, then, are the new parents to do?
From all sides comes
the hue and cry that the oldest
profession on earth -- that of
rearing children -- is facing
abysmal failure. There are seemingly
countless books on child study,
child feeding and care, child
training, child rearing, child
psychology, and just about
"child-everything."
The parents are assured that NO ONE today
really knows how to rear children properly. Where are they to
turn?
The books, articles, and other
trivia dealing with the subject are
confusing, to say the least.
And so -- where does the parent turn to
learn of this strange
new life, this squirmy,
wriggling, crying, giggling, tiny
reproduction of themselves?
Observe a marvelous "mechanical
brain." Here is a phenomenal
machine, filled with thousands
of miles of intricate wiring,
complete with a control panel so
dizzying, so technical as to
stupefy the average layman.
However, in observing how this machine
functions, a little of its
outward looks, and watching one or two
repair operations, one of the
laymen takes it in his head to write
a book advising other laymen
exactly what this machine is all
about.
But wait! WHICH would you rather read?
The book written by the
recent observer -- or the MANUAL
published by the inventor and
manufacturer?
Has NO ONE ever thought of going to the
INVENTOR of children?
He is God!
"And God said, Let us make man in
our image, after our
likeness: and let them have
dominion over the fish of the sea, and
over the fowl of the air, and
over the cattle, and over all the
earth, and over every creeping
thing that creepeth upon the earth.
So God created man in his own
image, in the image of God created he
him; male and female created he
them. And God blessed them, and God
said unto them, Be fruitful and
multiply, and replenish the
earth ..." (Gen. 1:26-28).
Yes, difficult though it seems to be for
the most "modern" to
accept the amazing truth that
God is Creator -- the existence and the
work of the Divine Architect
stand clearly proved. (Write for our
free booklet "Does God
Exist?")
God did not leave His creation in the
dark. He then
"... commanded the
man" (Gen. 2:16), giving him certain specific
instructions on how to live.
God gave to man a manual, a textbook, an
instruction book on
how the human machine works.
Since God is its Creator and its
Inventor, God is the One who
knows exactly how it operates. God
gave to man certain essential
knowledge -- which man could not have
otherwise discovered for
himself. The Bible, the inspired and holy
Word of God, is the most basic
of all books on the subject of how
to rear children.
What is the best source for right
knowledge about child
training? The "manual of
the Inventor" -- the inspired Word of
God -- your Bible!
What Is a Child?
This question is asked -- and richly
deserves to be
answered -- simply because, by
their actions, it seems many do not
honestly know. All too often
newborn babies, and especially
firstborn, are treated as if
they were "little green men from
Mars." Is it any wonder?
There seem to be more "rules" written
about this squirming infant than
can be perused in the average
lifetime of a normal adult.
"Do this!" or "Don't do that!" is heard
from every side.
The newcomer arrives as a total
stranger. According to usual
procedures, the father has been
allowed brief glimpses of his
progeny through the double-thick
glass of the maternity ward in the
hospital. But now he is home.
All of a sudden, it seems, your
entire home life is completely
topsy-turvy. Every sigh, every
chuckle, and especially every
CRY from the new arrival sends your
little household into a
veritable frenzy. There are bottles to be
carefully sterilized, formulas
to be mixed, schedules to be met,
diapers to be folded and
carefully stacked, room temperatures to be
checked, plus morning, noon and nighttime feedings.
This is all too often the normal
procedure -- the accepted
routine in the arrival of a
first child.
But let's clear the air and come down to
earth. Rather than
treat the new arrival as
something made of fragile glass, let's get
a true perspective, and realize
JUST WHAT A CHILD REALLY IS.
First, he is a human being. He is a
miniature copy of
yourselves. He probably has,
though it is sometimes undiscernible
at such an early stage, your own
looks, your very own nature, your
voice, and some of your talents.
However, he is also an INDIVIDUAL
with a mind definitely all his
own.
What the Manual Says
Let's go to the MANUAL of the Inventor
-- the inspired Word of
God -- and see what He says a
child is.
"What is man, that thou art mindful
of him? and the son of
man, that thou visitest him? For
thou hast made him a little lower
than the angels, and hast
crowned him with glory and honor" (Psalms
8:4, 5).
A new human life is made in the exact
similitude of divine
life! God said, "Let us
make man in OUR IMAGE"! But so far God has
made man merely a physical
replica, and far from an exact copy of
God in character.
"O Lord, thou hast searched me, and
known me ... For there is
not a word in my tongue, but,
lo, O Lord, thou knowest it
altogether ... For thou hast
possessed my reins: thou hast knit me
together [margin] in my mother's
womb. I will praise thee; for I am
FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY made:
marvelous are thy works; and that
my soul knoweth right well. My
substance was not hid from thee,
when I was made in secret, and
curiously wrought in the lowest
parts of the earth. Thine eyes
did see my substance, yet being
unperfect; and in thy book all
my members were written, which day
by day [margin] were fashioned,
when as yet there was none of them"
(Psalms 139:1, 4, 13-16).
Children Are Precious
Gifts
One of the greatest blessings God ever
promised some of His
patriarchs was the blessing of
children! Abraham, BY FAITH, waited
many years for a son. All of the
promises which God gave to ancient
Israel had to do with the begettal of healthy children. God
says:
"He maketh the barren woman to keep
house, and to be a joyful
mother of children. Praise ye
the Lord" (Psalms 113:9).
"Lo, children are an heritage of
the Lord: and the fruit of
the womb is his reward. As
arrows are in the hand of a mighty man;
so are children of the youth.
Happy is the man that hath his quiver
full of them: they shall not be
ashamed, but they shall speak with
the enemies in the gate"
(Psalms 127:3-5).
Children are PRECIOUS, priceless gifts from Almighty God to
any parents!
What a pity that more parents today do
not understand the REAL
miracle of childbirth, and give
God thanks for it. A child is the
sweetest, most lovely and
beautiful, altogether most exciting and
completely satisfying thing that
can happen to a young married
couple who are truly in love.
God says: "Blessed is every one
that feareth the Lord; that
walketh in his ways. For thou
shalt eat the labor of thine hands:
HAPPY shalt thou be, and it
shall be well with thee. Thy wife shall
be as a fruitful vine by the
sides of thine house: thy children
like olive plants round about
thy table. Behold, that thus shall
the man be blessed that feareth
the Lord" (Psalms 128:1-4).
What, then, is a child? A little baby is
an exact reproduction
of the two parents, a separate
human being, who is a completely
lovable, laughable, sweet little
creature, that will steal your
heart and your reason, bring you
heartache and tears, exultation
and pride, anxiety and worry,
happiness and joy, but who will teach
you the real
meaning of the word "love."
Should You Expect
Disobedience?
Should you expect this little reproduction
of yourself to be
hateful, rebellious? Is it
merely a phase when children have temper
tantrums, shouting defiance at
their parents?
Many modern books available on child
psychology will group
children, according to various
ages, into certain "phases" or
"stages" of growth and
development.
For a general view of these patterns,
let's notice the
following quotation:
"Our observations of child behavior
have led us to believe
that almost any kind of behavior
you can think of ... develops by
means of remarkably patterned
and largely predictable stages.
"Knowledge of these growth stages
can help you a good deal and
in a great many ways. To begin
with, it can give you an idea of
what to expect" (Francis L.
Ilg and Louise Bates Ames, "Child
Behavior", Harper, pp.
3-4).
Let's notice the symptoms of some of
these supposed
"predictable stages."
"The eighteen-monther walks down a
one-way street, though this
one-way street can be readily
reversed. And this street more often
than not seems to lead in a
direction exactly opposite to that
which the adult has in mind.
Asked to 'come here, dear' he either
stands still or runs in the
opposite direction. (He may even like
to walk backwards.) Ask him to
put something in the wastebasket,
and he is more likely to empty
out what is already in it. Hold out
your hand for the cup which he
has just drained, he will drop it
onto the floor. Give him a
second sock to put on, and he will more
likely than not remove the one
which is already on his foot. His
enjoyment of the opposite may be
the reason why it works so well,
if he is running away from you,
to say 'bye-bye' and walk away from
HIM. Then he may come running.
Not only does he not come when
called -- he seldom obeys any
verbal command. 'No' is his chief word"
(ibid., p. 22).
To state the
"eighteen-monther" does all these disobedient
acts simply by virtue of being
18 months old is simply not true!
The 18-monther will do these things only
if he has been left
without any supervision, has
never been trained, never been taught
the meaning of obedience, and
has been turned out to "pasture" like
any animal, rather than reared
by his parents.
Let's really
understand.
The Mythical Phases of
Childhood
By having already carelessly assumed any
means of punishment
or control over a child to be
harmful, some child psychologists
have laboriously catalogued the
"behavior" patterns of children
-- by merely observing them.
They have, instead of training the
children, seeing how
positive methods of real
teaching, instruction and discipline will
work, merely
"observed" the little children much in the same manner
as watching monkeys in cages.
They have busily made notes, and
collected sage observations. As
a result of these widespread
"observations," the
modern child psychologists have carefully
documented certain definite
phases in the actions of children.
Let's notice carefully, however, that these
phases are merely
the inevitable reactions of
untrained children, undisciplined
children, who have been OBSERVED
instead of trained. Tell a dog
which has been trained to
"come here" and it will obey. Give a
horse a command when it has been
trained, and it will obey. BUT,
some child behaviorists assure
you that you cannot expect such
obedience from the infinitely
more intelligent, far superior human
mind.
My own 18-monthers, when asked to
"Come here, dear!" -- came
here! When asked to put
something in the wastebasket -- they
immediately put it in the
wastebasket. When holding out my hand for
the cups they had drained, they
immediately gave them to me. Given
a second sock, they always put
it on.
Why?
Simply because they had been patiently
TAUGHT to do these
things.
Later, the authors of this particular
work, in breaking down
the supposed "stages"
through which all children are to pass, said
this of 2 1/2-year-old children:
"TWO AND A HALF YEARS: This is an
age about which parents may
need warning because so much
that the child now does naturally,
almost inevitably, is directly
contrary to what his parents would
like to have him do. The 2
1/2-year-old is not, temperamentally, an
easily adaptable member of any
social group.
"The change in behavior which takes
place between two and
two-and-one-half can be rather
overwhelming, perhaps to the child
as well as to the adults who
surround him. Two-and-a-half is a peak
age of disequilibrium.
Parents often say that they can't do a thing
with the child of this age ...
First of all, a
two-and-a-half-year-old is rigid
and inflexible. He wants exactly
what he wants when he wants it.
He cannot adapt, give in, wait a
little while. Everything has to
be done just so. Everything has to
be in the right place he
considers its proper place. For any
domestic routine, he sets up a
rigid sequence of events which must
follow each other always in the
same manner."
Here we are assured the little, tiny
toddling two-and-
a-half-year-old human baby, a
very sweet and lovable little
reproduction of our own selves,
is just BOUND to act in this
prescribed fashion, simply
because he has reached one of the
"steps" along the
ladder of life -- the "stage" at two-and-a-half
years of age. Parents are
assured this child cannot adapt.
That means, if parents attempt to get
him to "adapt," they may
run the risks of "breaking
his spirit," "giving him a complex," or
any number of perfectly horrible
results. Parents are assured the
little two-and-a-half-year-old
toddler cannot possibly "give in" or
"wait awhile."
Therefore, the entire household often revolves
around, waits on, is ordered
according to, adapted to, and adjusted
to the childish whims of a
little toddling two-and-a-half-year-old
baby.
What would a parent do if he had
seriously followed these
teachings in some of the
following eventualities?
Effects of No Discipline
Suppose a little
"eighteen-monther" was toddling off the curb,
into the path of rumbling,
swiftly moving traffic. If he is to be
normally expected to "run
the other way," if you don't dare command
him to "Come here!"
then what are you to do?
"Surround him with interesting
objects" as the psychologists
recommend? How? Is there time?
Do you merely accept the already quoted
thought that the child
simply "cannot wait
awhile" and that he "seldom obeys any verbal
command" and then resign
yourself to his IMMEDIATE DEATH?
The authors continue:
"Second, he is extremely
domineering and demanding. He must
give the orders. He must make
the decisions. If he decides 'mummy
do,' daddy cannot be accepted as
a substitute ... Two-and-a-half is
an age of violent emotions.
There is little modulation to the
emotional life of the child at
this age.
"Furthermore, it is an age of
opposite extremes ... Total all
these characteristics together
and you have a child who is not easy
to deal with. Vigorous,
enthusiastic, energetic, the typical
two-and-a-half may be. But he is
not an easy person to have around
the house. However, mothers will
find that great patience, a real
understanding of the
difficulties of the age and a willingness to
use endless techniques to get
around rigidities and rituals and
stubbornness will help get
through the time till the difficult
two-and-a-half turns three"
(ibid., pp. 25-27).
Fantastic, isn't it? The little
two-and-a-half-year-old is
extremely domineering and
demanding, and he must give the orders.
HE must make the decisions for
the family. If he decides that his
mother should perform some task
for him, he will not accept "daddy"
as a substitute. Thus gullible
parents are assured that these
characteristics of a
two-and-a-half-year-old child are just as
sure, just as irrevocable as an
approaching cold front out of the
north. There is nothing they can
do about it. It is just "that
way."
Then, supposedly, he advances to the
stage of 4 years, where
he likes to hit, bite, throw
rocks, break toys and run away. The
4-year-old, assured the doctor,
is just normally expected to do
these things, because, you see,
he is four. He is not cowed by
maternal threats and does not
fear threats of punishment, but is
defiant and swaggering.
And then, the incomprehensible
suggestion is given by the
learned doctor -- that parents
must use "firm discipline." But what
kind? How? And are results to be
expected?
The doctor didn't say. But they went on,
"The 6-year old often
likes to say 'I'll kill you,' or
'I hate you.'" It is also, advises
the doctor to bewildered
parents, the age when he is most apt to
cheat and steal.
But -- this isn't all!
By the time the child is 8, he is
exuberant, expansive, cocky
and rarely finishes anything he
starts. At 9, he is independent and
resists bossing, exploiting
adults to get his own way, and uses
neurotic excuses. At 10, he is
suddenly "nice," said the doctor,
but at 11 he is rude and
argumentative, The doctor warned sagely
against making demands on any
11-year-old.
At 13, they like to be left alone; at 14
they are "noisy,"
said the doctor, and at 15 they
are "hard boiled" and practically
secede from the family union.
"Better Days"
Coming?
But parents who are busily
"sweating it out" are advised not
to fear these awesome gyrations,
neurotic tendencies, rages,
psychotic behaviors, expressions
of hatred and sudden
disappearances of their growing
progeny.
No, there will be a brighter day
tomorrow. "And 16," said the
doctor, "is really
sweet 16." At last, according to THIS PARTICULAR
pediatrician, your children are
happy, friendly, good tempered,
self-assured and "realize
that Mom and Dad have finally learned
something in the past few
months."
Funny?
It would be, if it were not so piteous,
so utterly shameful,
and so terrifyingly damaging to
the eager, pliable, growing minds
of our youths.
Isn't it almost a complete insult to the
intelligence of any
normal-minded human being to
accept and believe, let alone attempt
to "practice" such
methods of "child observance" (since it
certainly cannot be called
"child REARING")?
Can you see? Can you really
comprehend what is behind this
false concept?
Some behaviorists have merely put
together the tendency toward
rebellion in a child with his
obviously increased energies,
coordination, scope of activity,
increased motor facility, longer
reach, and growth in all
physical capacities.
Obviously an untrained child of four
will be getting into more
trouble than an untrained child
of one and one half. Obviously the
eighteen-monther, who has not
experienced proper child rearing
principles, will not obey his
parents' commands. The child
psychologists can very safely
predict these "behavior patterns" in
untrained, somewhat rebellious,
little children who have never
really known proper and loving parental authority.
Yes, let's really
look at what we've read -- let's really
get
PRACTICAL with it, and ask some
truly basic questions. Isn't it
pretty poor comfort to tell a
parent with the little
two-and-a-half-year-old already
described that he should be willing
to use "endless
techniques" and develop "understanding" to help him
survive the time until his
little 2 1/2 year-old turns 3?
Apparently, my own children were so
ignorant of these "stages"
through which they have been
growing they forgot to express the
characteristics that these
"stages" should have demanded of them!
At any rate, our children, at
the "stage" of "two-and-a-half" NEVER
were domineering and demanding
-- they NEVER tried to give
orders -- they NEVER made the
decisions -- they were NEVER given to
temper tantrums -- they were
decidedly flexible and not at all rigid.
They were able to adapt to
anything; they were able to give in
constantly -- in fact, several times
a day, and they were able to
wait -- even days or months
should that have been necessary. But more
of this later.
Do Children "Store
Up" Emotions?
Frequently, you hear of adults speaking
of "getting unwound"
by means of recreation or other
activity. We talk of being "tense"
or "high-strung" or
"keyed-up." So far, so good. This, to a degree,
is absolutely true.
Every adult, especially engaged in the
type of occupation
which demands high-tension
mental concentration, needs a "change of
pace" once in awhile -- to
"unwind." But wouldn't it be a strange
society if the adults were given
to weird emotional outbursts, in
which they seized a gun, shot
down five or six helpless bystanders,
cudgeled a policeman to death,
and then, their feelings assuaged,
lapsed into their ordinary and
daily routine? A ridiculous
suggestion -- to say the least.
And yet, this is the exact advocation
of some who would assure you
they are foremost authorities on how
to rear children.
It is reasoned that children also need
to "unwind." But, since
their minds are not yet
intelligent enough to lead them into other
recreational activities or
diversions, they oftentimes throw a
"temper tantrum."
This, some child psychologists assure you, is
merely a method of "letting
off steam" and should be patiently
ignored by the parent.
"Anger and resistance are the
natural responses to being
blocked. Children show this by
having temper tantrums when they
have to be interrupted to be
washed, dressed, or taken to the
toilet. They burst out if they
are interfered with at play. Hunger
and fatigue are other kinds of
thwarting situations that produce
anger" ("The Complete
Book of Mothercraft", p. 356, Parents
Institute).
Yes, anger and resistance are the
natural responses to being
blocked. But simply because they
are the "natural" responses to
authority does not make them
right.
"At about the age of two, children
show anger more often than
they are likely to when they are
older ... If we can somehow interest
him in the new thing we want him
to do, we may avoid a scene ... A
negative reaction to commands at
this age is so common that the
foresighted mother tries to
avoid conflict by giving as few orders
as possible and making requests
instead" (ibid., pp. 356-357).
How does a parent in a restaurant, or in
a public market or
shop, really
put these empty theories into practice? How would you
apply this suggestion in the
following circumstance?
You are in a nice restaurant with your
wife and children.
Johnny, aged 2 1/2, becomes
angry at the food you've chosen for
him. While you are trying to
politely give the waitress your order,
Johnnie begins to scream with
anger. He shouts, at the top of his
high-pitched voice, "No!
No! No! I don't want that!" and, throwing
himself to the floor, begins to
kick, cry and scream in a frenzy of
unbridled emotion.
Do the parents merely calmly smile,
placidly ignore Johnnie,
and go right on ordering?
If they should -- I doubt if the owner
of the restaurant would
permit them to remain in his
place of business. Well, then, do they
"somehow interest him in
the new thing" they want him to do, and
"avoid a scene"? Not really
very practical, is it? Here again, the
authors assure us a negative
reaction to commands is common at this
particular age.
This is true -- only if the child has
not been trained correctly
from infancy. It is true only if
the parents have not had right and
correct discipline, have not
known how to rear their children
properly, but have merely been
"observing their children growing
up" instead of really
actively rearing them. Otherwise, IF the
child of two years of age has
been trained, has been shown the
proper and deep love,
consideration and care, but at the same time
has had authoritative discipline
given from love, and in love, he
will not burst into anger and
shout "no!" at his parents. I have
had the living proof of this
fact in my own home!
Habits of Hatred
"It has already been pointed out
that a child between the ages
of 18 months and three years
tends to say 'no' to every suggestion.
If he is not constantly being
given directions and commands he has
less chance to build up this
habit of balkiness.
"If parents could only train
themselves not to be shocked when
their young children express
their anger by saying 'I hate you' or
by calling them names, they
would improve their relations with
their children. The average
father and mother have forgotten the
feelings of resentment they had
in early life toward their own
parents ... A child drains off
his resentment if he is allowed to
express it ... if he is made to
feel guilty over these natural
reactions, if he has to suppress
them or be punished, his feelings
may be in a turmoil! But if his
parents can say to his expressions
of hate, 'Of course you feel
that way. I used to, too, when someone
made me do something,' he
doesn't STORE UP guilt over his
conflicting feelings about his
father and mother" (ibid., p. 359).
Does a child really
"let off steam" and "drain off his
resentment" if he is
allowed to express it?
Let's understand! Some child
psychologists have followed the
theory that human emotions are
much like compressing air in a
bottle. The more it is
compressed, the more resistance it has
against the cap. Just like a
pressure cooker, or a boiling pot of
water on the stove, they
theorize, resentment and rebellion,
building up within the child,
need to "explode." A child, they say,
needs to "let off
steam" every now and then! Actually, the child
psychologists are in total
error.
The child who is supposedly allowed to
"drain off his
resentment" in this fashion
is the child who could well be opening
up his mind to extremely SERIOUS
consequences. Such a child will
very definitely build a HABIT of
rebellion toward authority,
disobedience, temper tantrums,
and hatred. The thought of allowing
a tiny toddling boy of barely
over two years of age to shout and
scream at his own parents,
"I hate you!" is shocking to think
about. Will that same child at
twelve pick up a knife and kill his
parents? It does happen -- and
all too often.
Ignore a Tantrum
"The mother who says she cannot
ignore a screaming, kicking
youngster usually means she has
not found out how to use ignoring
as a constructive method.
Leaving him and going about her business
may work better than she thinks
it will. The minute he hasn't an
audience his pleasure in the
performance begins to die down.
Naturally, if she herself is so
angered by his temper that her
attitude in ignoring him is
hateful, ignoring will only cause him
to feel more hostile. But if she
can treat his anger as not too
serious a matter, if she is
prepared for it just as she is prepared
for other primitive ways of
acting in early childhood, like eating
with fingers, it will be more
likely to subside" (ibid., p. 358).
Parents are told this is merely a phase
through which the
child is passing, and he will
soon get over it all.
"In most families the phase in
which tantrums are most likely
to occur passes and is
forgotten. If tantrums are continuous,
however, or recur past the age
of five, they may be a signal to
seek help from a child-guidance
counselor equipped to discover
underlying causes" (Sidonie
Matsner Gruenberg, editor, "The
Encyclopedia of Childcare and
Guidance", Garden City, New York,
Doubleday, 1963, pp. 548-549).
"... We see that the baby protests
against unpleasant
experiences by crying. These
responses may be considered as
emanating from the instinct of
self-preservation.
"The response ... continues
throughout life. This crying of the
baby becomes the temper tantrum
of the older child and a part of
the life-long fight for
independence. As such it represents one of
the strongest impulses
responsible for human behavior" (Beverly,
"In Defense of
Children", p. 28).
This very aptly titled book assures
parents temper tantrums
are nothing more than the
natural outgrowth of the first wails of
a tiny baby, expressing his need
for "independence."
These theories are simply untrue. Temper
tantrums show a
complete lack of self-discipline
-- and far from being merely a stage
through which the child is
growing, are gravely serious warning
signs of a child totally lacking
in self-control. It is just such
teachings as these that have led
thousands of children past the
bars of justice across our land,
and have made hopeless emotional
wrecks out of uncounted millions
of others.
Rather than going through a
"stage" of child development,
which they will grow out of,
children allowed to express rage at
their parents are building a
natural habit of hatred!
Now notice a refreshingly sound
quotation for a change:
"Let us -- parents, teachers, and
all others having to do with
the training of youth -- see to
it that adolescents acquire
SELF-CONTROL. Let us save them
from the injurious effects of this
new-fangled idea that young
people can grow up to do as they
please. Confusion worse
confounded will be the state of the next
generation if it is generally
accepted. If you, as a parent, have
done your duty in the nursery
and during the pre-adolescent period,
I assure you the days of actual
punishment will be over long ere
your youngsters reach their
teens. But if for any reason you have
failed in the earlier years, and
your children have attained
adolescence without learning
self-control, then I admonish you not
to depend exclusively upon these
newfangled psychologic notions or
on any fantastic interpretation
of Freudian philosophy, to refrain
from chastisement through fear
that your children will not develop
leadership. Leadership -- bah!
Who wants a boy to grow up to be a
leader of a criminal gang?
Indeed, if we go on after this fashion,
we can truly say 'what price
leadership!'" (Sadler, "Piloting
Modern Youth", p. 141).
Sound advice, indeed. Read it again.
Many and varied are the mythical phases
of childhood. If you
want to rear a child who will
defy every supposed "stage" through
which he is obligated to grow,
simply rear him properly. He will
not throw things at one, kick
you at one-and-a-half, scream "no!"
at two, throw temper tantrums at
two-and-a-half, bite the
neighbor's children at three,
run away from home at three-and-a-
half, be overbold at four, or
neurotic at five! Rather, at all
these ages, he will be basically
lovable, obedient, helpful,
self-reliant, respectful toward
authority.
Chapter Two
CRIMINALS ARE MADE, NOT
BORN
THE very first form of government with
which the child comes
in contact is the government
within the home.
If there is no authority, no government
in the home -- how can
the parents expect their
children to respect the authorities and
governments in the society?
Authority Begins in the
Home
"It is certain that if our young
people are to have total
obedience to the laws of the
land, a love for the orderly processes
of government and a desire for
ethical forms of behavior, the
strengthening effect of
religious training which will instill a
sense of moral responsibility
becomes apparent. The place to start
is in the family circle.
"American families are developing
the personalities who will
determine what type of society
our nation will have tomorrow"
(Statement of the late J. Edgar
Hoover, former Director, Federal
Bureau of Investigation, quoted
from excerpt from Committee Print,
81st Congress, Second Section,
"Juvenile Delinquency").
Mr. Hoover was further quoted in his
statement before the
Special Senate Committee to
investigate organized crime in
interstate commerce:
"The home is the first great
training school in behavior or
misbehavior and parents serve as
the first teachers for the
inspirational education of
youth. In the home, the child learns
that others besides himself have
rights which he must respect. Here
the spade work is laid for
instilling in the child those values
which will cause him to develop
into an upright, law-abiding,
wholesome citizen. He must learn
respect for others, respect for
property, courtesy,
truthfulness, and reliability. He must learn
not only to manage his own
affairs but also share in the
responsibility for the affairs
of the community. He must be taught
to understand the necessity of
obeying the laws of God."
Think of it! The former leader of our
highly trained and
efficient Federal Bureau of
Investigation wanted to impress upon
the average family in our nation
that it is absolutely necessary
that the child understand that
he must OBEY THE LAWS OF GOD.
He stated, further:
"These qualities, of course, are
transmitted to the child only
if they are exemplified and
taught within the family circle. By way
of contrast, homes broken by
death, desertion, divorce, separation,
neglect, or immorality stamp
their imprint on the developing
personality. The products of
these homes, unguided and unsupervised
children who seldom receive
needed love and attention, develop
distorted attitudes and may
easily engage in antisocial behavior.
These products of ADULT
NEGLIGENCE have become easy recruits in an
already vast army of youthful
offenders."
What a remarkably accurate analysis. And
what a clear picture
of the cause of disobedient and
delinquent children.
Bear in mind the delinquent is the youth
who has actually run
afoul of the law. Bear in mind,
also, that the lack of government,
the lack of love and respect,
the misery in a home becomes evident
to the public only when it is
officially broken by divorce, then
"counted" among broken
homes.
Again, let us restate the vitally
important fact that these
general conditions, the
underlying disrespect for authority, the
lack of government, constitutes
a broad picture of the majority of
all homes today.
The chances are very great these
conditions exist in YOUR
home -- Now!
To a tiny, squirming infant -- his
parents are "god." That is,
they are the supreme authority
in his life. They constitute his
life-giver, his provider,
protector, his law and his ruler.
If the little child cannot have an
orderly existence, and
cannot be kept within certain
bounds which he is made to
understand, he becomes confused,
frustrated.
The parent who truly loves his own
children will want to
discipline them in the right
manner, at the right time, when they
are doing things which will
cause much greater hurt.
To a tiny, newborn infant, his parents
reign supreme. He knows
of no other authority, no other
law, no other governing influence,
no other protector, provider --
and he knows of no other love.
Recognizing this fact, parents
should again realize that the time
to begin training their children
is early in life.
Criminal Behavior is
Learned
Adolf Hitler, Benito Mussolini, Hideki
Tojo, Joseph Stalin and
other so-called
"international gangsters" -- yes, and all the "bums"
on skid row, the drifters who
come to your back door for a handout,
the arch-criminals, the petty
offenders, and the sex fiends who
have committed horrible
atrocities -- all of them -- were little babies
once!
Did the mothers of
"pretty-boy" Floyd, John Dillinger and Al
Capone, and also the other
infamous gangsters of the '20s and '30s,
know their children would
develop into some of the most vicious
criminals of their day?
A particularly heart-wrenching
occurrence was reported of an
11-year-old boy in Connecticut
who coldly and deliberately shot to
death his 14-year-old brother,
his own mother, and his father in a
carefully planned and
purposefully executed murder plot. Did the
parents of this 11-year old boy
ever for one moment begin to
visualize their own son would
ever turn on them in hatred with a
Could you have convinced the parents of
any of the hundreds of
youthful criminals their
children would turn out as they did?
Of course not!
Where, and when, do criminals learn that
kind of behavior, and
what are the causes behind
criminal acts by mere youth?
A police commissioner of Philadelphia
has said, "Throughout
the country there is a general
DISREGARD FOR CONSTITUTED AUTHORITY.
I think that goes for the adults
and is reflected in the thinking
of the juvenile." When
questioned further about some of the causes
behind juvenile delinquency,
this commissioner replied: "I think
the change has been going on
over a number of years in the attitude
of OLDER PEOPLE toward
constituted authority."
Notice it!
Because adults sneer at authority --
impugn the law, make fun of
the "cops," and are
openly disrespectful of national and
international dignities -- they
are actively teaching their children
the same habits.
Remember, criminal behavior is LEARNED
behavior -- human beings
are creatures of habit. The
child who is confronted with parental
strife, indecision, lack of
authority, upset conditions within the
home, neglect and indifference
from his own parents, will develop
accordingly.
Any child reared in an upside-down home
is going to develop
into an upside-down child.
Why Some Psychologists Fear Corporal
Punishment
Some prevailing false concepts are at
the very root and core
of much of today's confusion
over child rearing. Let us analyze a
few of the more outstanding.
"Any kind of punishment either by
means of words or force, or
even mild reprimands on the
subject, is extremely unwise," advises
one foremost source, assuring
gullible young parents they should
NEVER punish their children.
"The chief danger of punishment is
that it makes the child feel
guilty -- that he is bad, naughty. The
child is likely to have a
stronger feeling of guilt about his
activity than about the other
things he does. His ideas are vague
and confused and his imagination
vivid. He may build up pictures of
the terrible things that will
happen to him because of his
naughtiness, thus sowing the
seed of more fears and more anxieties,
and increasing his emotional
difficulties" (Parents Institute, op.
cit., p. 391).
Notice that great stress is laid upon
the supposition that
punishment will make the child
feel guilty -- that he is
"bad" -- naughty.
This "feeling," some child
psychologists assure us, is
extremely harmful, and will
surely lead to many and terrible
consequences.
"The ineffectiveness of corporal
punishment has been
repeatedly demonstrated. The
punishing parent or teacher
'frequently forgets that he
loves his child; he forgets it because
something in the child's
behavior has made him forget that the
child loves him.' Of the problem
cases described by one hundred
teachers, not one was improved
by whipping. School social workers
frequently report that a child's
emotional difficulties are
aggravated by beatings at home
... Many parents have said, 'The more
I whip him the worse he
gets'" (Ruth Strang, "An Introduction to
Child Study", New York,
Macmillan, p. 345).
Here, incomplete and partial information
from "school social
workers" is used to
apparently "demonstrate" that corporal
punishment is ineffective.
Nothing is said of the METHOD of
punishment, the frequency with
which it was done, whether it was
CONSISTENT, or whether correct
and thoughtful use of punishment was
being made. Nothing was said of
the quality of family life -- whether
there was warmth, respect,
concern on the part of parents. Rather,
that punishment for the sake of
punishment is supposedly wrong.
"The word punishment should not
appear in our dictionaries
except as an obsolete word, and
I believe this should be just as
true in the field of criminology
as in that of child rearing. The
parent's object in rapping the
child with a pencil is to get it to
react in conformity with certain
social usages -- to behave itself.
Why then should the parents ever
be angry? Why should they ever
punish in the old Biblical
sense? Such things as beating and
expiation of offenses, so common
now in our schools and homes, in
the church, in our criminal law,
in our judicial procedure
[published in 1928 -- times
have changed!], are relics of the Dark
Ages."
Think of it!
This quotation, now seriously outdated
-- has actually come true
in part.
Criminals are being exonerated from
guilt by the courts after
being caught red handed in
committing a crime. We are becoming more
concerned for the
"rights" of criminals than for the rights of the
victims.
It is a proven fact today that
criminals, even after
confessing freely to their
guilt, have had such confessions
"dismissed" as proper
evidence by a conniving counsel for the
defense -- interested not in
whether or not the man is really
innocent or guilty, but merely
in making a reputation for himself
because such confession was made
"improperly."
The system of no punishment has taken
hold.
The result is the appalling,
heart-wrenching, sickening stench
of a mountain of crime, a
cesspool of sadism, a sewer of
pornography and dope addiction,
a gigantic, mounting rush toward
complete anarchy.
A Substitute Plan
Some child psychologists have a
"substitute" for discipline.
Notice how impractical their
ideas really are.
"The parent's attitude should be
positive, should be that of
the instructor ... by
surrounding the child constantly with objects
that it has a right to work
with. In this way 'forbidden' objects
come gradually to lose their
stimulating value; the children cease
to play with fire [that is, if
they are still alive and your home
is still intact], with matches
[same comment], they stop turning
gas jets on and off [that is, if
they are still alive and your home
has not been blown to bits,
together with a dozen others in the
block], picking up sharp knives
and forks [that is, if they have
not been so seriously cut or
have fallen on one of the sharp
instruments and are now dead],
pulling over glass vases and
bottles. But where the positive
method of training does not make
them let these objects alone,
then gentle pencil rapping is a safe
and sane procedure" (John
B. Watson, "Psychological Care of Infant
and Child", New York, Arno
Press, 1928, pp. 63-65).
But wait!
Will this work?
Can you actually wait for your own child to
be "surrounded
with objects it has a right to
work with" so it will become
interested in them, instead of
running into a busy street, pulling
over heavy glass vases, turning
on gas jets, playing with sharp
knives? This would be so
laughable, so ridiculous that it would be
painful -- if it weren't so
seriously in error.
Of course the child should be able to
have constructive toys,
and be surrounded with right
objects. But this positive teaching
cannot take the place of proper,
loving, diligent punishment to
teach a child NOT to handle
objects, or follow practices that will
take its life.
Certain child psychologists seem to have
adopted the idea that
parent-child relationships are
as difficult and involved as
international diplomacy. So many
and varied are the suggestions on
the tactful employment of modern
psychology in the parents' dealing
with their children that one is
thoroughly confused by the
self-contradictions, the
incomplete statements, and the unanswered
questions in the dozens of
volumes dealing with the subject.
Playing a "Friendly"
Role
Another example of such contradictory
partial information is:
"Punishment affects parent-child
relations and teacher-child
relations. A spanking which the
child considers unrelated to the
situation is likely to make him
hostile to the person who
administers it. It is better,
whenever possible, to let the
punishment fit the crime -- to
let the situation itself punish the
child. Then the parent plays the
friendly role. He gives warnings.
If the child persists in doing
the thing, he will get hurt. The
parent can be sympathetic, but
reminds the child that he said it
would hurt. The problem is much
more difficult when the forbidden
is rewarding, like running out
into the street -- an exciting
excursion that many times
may cause no harm (yet sometimes be
fatal). But over a period of
time the parent can build a relation
based on rewarding experiences
in which his advice was heeded"
(Strang, op. cit., p. 221).
Taken at face value, this advice
"seems" to be relatively
sound. However, when looking
more closely, so many are the errors
and false concepts, that this
particular quotation must now be
enlarged upon.
Re-read the first part of the last
quotation.
It is sound. It makes sense. But notice
again that even though
it is admitted the problem is
much more "difficult" when a child
runs into the street -- THIS
eventuality is not dealt with at all.
Why?
Because, having already committed
himself to no punishment
theories, this author wouldn't
know how to keep a child from
running into the street without
tying him in the yard or keeping
him in a pen!
Even after admitting this
"excursion" (there is no plurality
involved in this word) may sometimes
be fatal, he offers no
suggestion for coping with the
problem.
Love and Punishment
Society cannot seem to reconcile itself
to the fact that love
and punishment could possibly
come from the same source. It is
somehow beyond the realm
of conceivability to the average person
that there could be any love
involved in punishment. Punishment is
such a "nasty" word,
that some child psychologists (as already
quoted) have even advocated its
deletion from our dictionaries.
Today's modern movements to
rescind punishments, to abolish the
death sentence for demented,
brutal, sadistic murderers who
themselves have inflicted
torturous and horrifying death sentences
on perhaps dozens of helpless
human beings, the desire of the
average wife to have the word
"obey" taken out of the marriage
ceremony, and the vast,
all-comprehensive movement of religionists
to strip the pulpit of its
power, rip laws and authority from the
Bible, and throw discipline to
the winds, may serve to illustrate
the depths to which the roots of
the anti-discipline weed have
grown.
Notice again, from a very respected
group of psychologists and
child-behaviorists, how, because
of certain abuses of right
punishment -- ALL punishment is
assumed to be utterly wrong:
"Sometimes
one sees a letter in a magazine or newspaper in
which an individual or a group
of parents recommends the
INDISCRIMINATE use of corporal
punishment with a cruelty and
sadistic satisfaction that is
frightening.
"Most parents, however, turn to
this extreme as a last resort,
and because they think that
nothing else will work" (Parents
Institute, op. cit., p. 365).
The next quotation from the same authors
serves graphically to
illustrate the aforementioned
principle of the basic inability to
understand that love and
punishment CAN come from the same source:
"It [corporal punishment] usually
is the end step in a long
course of happenings that has
carried both parents and children
away from positive feelings of
love and understanding" (Parents
Institute, ibid., pp. 365-366).
Notice that child psychologists view the
use of corporal
punishment as a complete
breakdown in "parent-child relationship,"
something that is done only in
anger, as a result of outside
coercion, or of complete
frustration on the part of an upset and
helpless parent.
Abuses of Punishment Cause
Criticism
The authors go on to say:
"The child's failure to live up to
what is expected of him,
either by the school, or the
family, or his parents, is a painful
and bitter experience for the
mother or father. They feel a deep
sense of their own failure in
their most important job. Angry and
upset at themselves, as well as
their children, they strike out in
the only way they know!"
This type of punishment is an ABUSE. It
should NEVER be done!
Frequently, sensational stories of
thoughtless parental
brutality have been emblazoned
across the pages of newspapers.
"Father Beats Children to
Death," "Mother Whips Six-Weeks-Old
Baby," "Father Ties
His Children in Woodshed -- Leaves Them All
Night!" and similar
outrages have shocked and horrified the public.
But human beings are creatures
of EXTREMES. Like the constantly
moving pendulum, they seem to
swing from one opposite to the other.
There have been certain terrible abuses
of corporal
punishment -- misapplication and
thoughtless use of it by parents who
are punishing their children in
anger. There have been sensational
stories of torments upon tiny
tots by a few who are not proper
disciplinarians and who are
completely unequipped and ill-fitted to
be parents. As a result of these
extremes, many have been convinced
that any use of corporal
punishment must, by its very nature, be
wrong.
-------------------
PHOTO CAPTION: An innocent child
can become a hardened criminal by
improper child rearing.
-------------------
There are many abuses in child
discipline even in various
schools, as well as in the
homes. However, seeing these abuses and
malpractices by untrained and
unskilled parents should not lead
other parents to assume there is
not a proper use for discipline.
Some child psychologists have,
true to form, swung to the opposite
extreme -- and begun to advocate
NO DISCIPLINE! Very recently, as a
result of the surging increase
in a worldwide wave of juvenile
crime and lawlessness, law
enforcement agencies, government
officials, and even some few
child psychologists have begun to
advocate more and more
discipline, more respect for authority, and
the introduction of corporal
punishment into some school systems.
Taken in its right perspective,
with its correct application, this
is certainly a very good thing.
However, let us hope it is not
merely the swing of the pendulum
back to another "extreme."
The Imagined "Effects" of
Corporal Punishment
Parents have been increasingly reluctant
to punish their
children because of the supposed
"effects" which they have been
told punishment engenders.
"Spanking seems the quick way of
'getting results' but these
usually take the shape of
temporary conformance, not of growth in
self-direction and self-control.
Autocratic control usually
produces one of two
personalities: An over submissive child who
does what he is told but shows
no initiative, or the rebellious
child who is constantly waging
war against authority" (Strang, op.
cit., pp. 221-222).
This is an untrue assumption. The right
use of spanking does
not produce an "over
submissive child" who acts as an automaton,
but rather it guides and
controls initiative, inventiveness and
self-reliance.
Notice the next example. Seeing only the
misuse of punishment
by distraught, incapable
parents, the author remarks:
"Some mothers are always nagging
and scolding their children,
yank them when they cross the
street or get into buses, and slap
them whenever they do something
the mother doesn't like. These
mothers may be tired and cross,
but they do not understand that
they make their children cross
and irritable, too, and make things
harder for themselves.
"If you let yourself go
occasionally and slap or spank when
you are excited or upset, it
probably isn't too serious, provided
your child is left with the
feeling that he has been punished only
for something he has DONE, and
that you love him anyway" (Parents
Institute, op. cit., pp.
366-367).
Wrong Kind of Discipline
Here again, punishment is viewed as
"letting oneself go
occasionally" or, in other
words, losing one's temper. It is viewed
as if the adult human being, in
anger, were "getting back" at the
child, and inflicting physical
torment upon the child merely
because the child has
"bothered" the parent.
Again, seeing this misapplication of
discipline, the child
psychologists, IMAGINING a
number of terrible "effects" of
spanking, have been responsible
for deeply etching the fear of the
"unknown" in the minds
of many young parents -- assuring them their
lovely little children may turn
into perfectly horrible monsters,
become demented, or develop
harmful "complexes" as a result of
spanking.
"But if you find that you are
punishing and slapping
repeatedly, you may be sure you
are on the wrong track.
"Spanking may stop your child for
the moment, but you don't
know what else it may do.
"It may make him angry and
resentful, or humiliated and
ashamed. Or he may become
hardened and pay no attention to it; or
become just so afraid that he
can't trust himself to do anything.
"None of these feelings helps him
learn what it was that he
did wrong, or how to act the
next time."
Of course -- "feelings" don't
help him learn the positive part.
But notice how incomplete is
this assumption! If amply warned
first, and then punished in
love, accompanied by kind, patient,
positive teaching of the right
as opposed to the wrong, this
objection becomes worthless.
"The best that can be said for
spanking is that it sometimes
clears the air. BUT IT ISN'T
WORTH THE PRICE, AND IT USUALLY
DOESN'T WORK" (Parent's
Institute, ibid., p. 367).
Notice that parents are threatened with
unforeseeable and dire
consequences if spanking is
utilized! One author said:
"Corporal punishment develops
resentment and misunderstanding.
It stresses what the child
should not do rather than what he should
do, produces fear, and makes him
lose confidence in his parents.
Intelligent parents rarely
resort to corporal punishment ... An
intelligent disciplinary method
is the use of reasoning at the
child's level of understanding.
The more calm and free the
discussion, the more clearly can
the desirable conduct be
formulated" (Isaac Newton
Kugelmass, Growing Superior Children, New
York, Appleton-Century, pp.
452-453).
To some authors, the whole meaning of
the term "punishment"
seems to revolve around blind,
unreasoning beatings inflicted by
calloused and indifferent
parents in a fit of frenzied anger.
"The typical result of the whipping
in childhood is either the
servile, timorous individual,
who usually is at one and the same
time cringe and crafty, or the
arrogant and objectionably
self-assured person. Almost
everyone who was beaten in his
childhood has a tendency toward
brutality."
Notice the employment of the terms
"whipping" and "beaten" as
being the obvious reason for
"brutality." This author continued:
"Yet the method of corporal
punishment continues to be
employed, although its
uselessness, absurdity, and downright
harmfulness should be apparent
to everyone. This mystery finds its
explanation in the fact that it
is mostly the whipped children,
who, as parents, advocate the
theory that whippings are
indispensable. They believe they
are following their good sense
when they deal out blows,
whereas actually they are following only
a strange inner urge. They want
to give their child a vivid and
drastic demonstration of their
own superiority; they fear that
otherwise they will be unable to
subdue his resistance; and they do
not realize
that the use of brute force plainly betrays an
essential weakness that has no
other resource at its disposal. Nor
do they admit to themselves how
much cowardice is implicit in such
a procedure" (Rudolf
Dreikurs, "The Challenge of Parenthood", New
York, Duell, Sloan and Pearce,
pp. 138-139).
Here is further proof of the swinging of
the pendulum. Many
child psychologists observing
parents lashing out in anger, as a
result of their own frustrations
and tensions, have witnessed
thoughtless misuse of corporal
punishment -- often with serious and
long-lasting consequences. On
the premise that punishment, by its
very nature, must come from the
source of anger, bitterness,
hatred, resentment, frustration,
tension, they label corporal
punishment as "anything but
good" for the child, and a word which
should be deleted from our
dictionaries.
And, that type of discipline -- under
those emotional
conditions -- has no place in
proper child rearing practices. There
is, however, a time for
discipline and a right way to administer
it.
Discipline Can Be
Constructive
Punishment, when meted out in the proper
manner, and at the
proper time, is one of the
greatest BLESSINGS a human being -- at any
age -- can receive.
First, let the Bible explode the theory
of society, once and
for all, that punishment and
love cannot come from the same source.
The Apostle Paul said:
"Ye have forgotten the exhortation which speaketh unto you as
unto children, My son, despise
not thou the chastening of the Lord,
nor faint when thou art rebuked
of him: for whom the Lord loveth he
chasteneth, and scourgeth every
son whom he receiveth" (Heb.
12:5-6).
Notice, Almighty God punishes His
children, because He LOVES
them! True Christians
today are recipients of God's just and
merciful chastisement, His
punishments and His admonitions, His
corrections and rebukes -- as
well as His encouragement and comfort.
God says:
"All scripture is given by
inspiration of God, and is
profitable for doctrine, for
REPROOF, for CORRECTION, for
instruction in righteousness:
that the man of God may be perfect,
thoroughly furnished unto all good
works" (II Tim. 3:16-17).
The Holy Word of God is GIVEN to correct
us, to chastise us,
to rebuke and reprove us.
"If ye endure chastening, God
dealeth with you as with sons;
for what son is he whom the
Father chasteneth not? But if ye be
without chastisement, whereof
all are partakers, then are ye
bastards, and not sons ... Now
no chastening for the present seemeth
to be joyous, but grievous:
nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the
peaceable fruit of righteousness
unto them which are EXERCISED
thereby" (Heb. 12:7-11).
One of the very CHARACTERISTICS of a
loving God is His NATURE
of meting out just, merciful and
loving PUNISHMENT WHEN IT IS
NEEDED! Of course, God also
comforts and encourages in time of need
(II Cor. 1:3-4; 7:6-7).
However, to be without chastisement, to
be left without God's
punishments, to go our own way,
uncontrolled, unrestrained and
unchecked, would mean the
ultimate destruction of our society!
In like fashion, a CHILD who is allowed
to grow up through
various "phases" of
rebellion, unchecked and unrestrained, without
the loving but firm hand applied
WHERE it ought to be, WHEN it
ought to be, HOW it ought to be,
is going to end up as a confused,
uncertain, neurotic, emotional
mess -- and in some cases, a hardened
unregenerate criminal!
The oft-quoted "scripture,"
"spare the rod and spoil the
child" is NOT a scripture!
It is a "saying" which people have
repeated down through the years
as being scripture -- and is not
found in the Bible in this exact
form. However, in principle, it is
certainly based upon the Bible.
Chapter Three
HOW YOUR CHILD LEARNS
THE human child is the most helpless of
all newborn creatures.
The young colt, the calf, even
the baby porpoise and whale are able
to stand, walk, leap or swim
within hours, even minutes after
birth.
But they are creatures of INSTINCT. A
human being does not
have instinct, but a mind! No
one had to teach the young colt where
to go for its
"dinner." It simply went there -- automatically. But
man has a mind capable of
accumulating knowledge.
At birth -- you knew absolutely nothing.
The newborn human
infant would starve to death if
it were not taken by the more
intelligent parent, and nursed.
Oftentimes, though not always, the
mother must even begin a type of
sucking motion with the jaws of
the child by manipulating its
lower jaw in order to teach it the
habit of nursing. This is not
always true, but serves to illustrate
the amazing fact that the
greatest creation in the physical
sphere -- the human mind -- has
such a simple beginning.
Learning by Association
As a creature of habit, a baby begins to
learn at the very
instant of its birth. The way in
which it first learns is by mere
association. But these
"associations" begin to form certain habits
within the rapidly growing and
developing mind of a newly born
human baby. Let us understand
the way in which the newborn child
learns.
Very quickly, the baby becomes
accustomed to the smell, the
taste and sounds of its own
mother. (We are here speaking of that
which is the average and normal,
not foster mothers, wet-nurses,
etc.) If the infant of only a
very few weeks is hungry, and begins
to cry for his food, it may be
observed that he will oftentimes
quit crying the moment he is
picked up by his mother, because the
sound of her reassuring voice,
the feeling of her arms lifting him
from his bassinet, and the smell
of her own body has begun to
become completely associated
with the satisfying taste of her milk.
Perhaps you have seen cases where tiny
babies have been reared
in very quiet homes. It takes
only the slightest rattling of the
bottles by the milkman, the
dropping of the cover on the mailbox by
the postman, or the barking of a
dog to awaken the child from a
mid-afternoon nap. This is true,
because the baby has become
accustomed to living in a very
quiet environment. If the child has
been used to a noisy
environment, such trivial sounds would never
disturb him during his nap.
This factor of learning by association
is so vitally important
that it must be understood
thoroughly.
No sensible dog trainer would think of
confusing a dog under
training with more than the
simplest, straightforward and direct
commands.
In attempting to "house-break"
a dog, the dog is simply taken
to his sandbox, newspaper, or
outdoors. He is reassured, patted and
fondled. The trainer tries to
carefully take the dog to such a
place at prescribed intervals.
If and when the dog makes a mistake
(and they nearly always do!) the
trainer very severely rebukes him,
says "bad dog," forces
him to smell the mess he has made, and
spanks him for it. Gradually, by
constant diligence, and by means
of association, the dog becomes
housebroken. He learns that it is
going to net harsh words, and a
spanking for relieving himself in
certain areas. He learns, on the
other hand, that he will be given
tidbits to eat, a reassuring
hand and a soft voice when he uses his
prescribed areas.
There are absolutely millions of parents
today who do not know
how to keep a child from
becoming as destructive as a proverbial
"bull in a china
shop."
They are completely helpless to keep
their child from crawling
around from one thing to
another, turning over knick-knacks,
pulling doilies from tables,
pulling out electric plugs, tearing up
books and magazines, or any
other of the one thousand and one
different things a little
crawling infant seems to "get into."
Countless, it seems, are the
parents who have not the slightest
glimpse of understanding as to
how to cope with such a situation.
Isn't it a pity? If they could realize
their child is a
creature of habit -- but that
habits are formed by association, that
each habit must be taught, much
of the problem would be solved.
When Should You Begin to Train
Your Child?
A vitally important principle every
parent needs to understand
is that good habits must be
constantly taught the child from early
infancy.
"'Never too old to learn' is truer
in reverse. The further it
is reversed, the truer it
becomes. 'Never too young to learn' is
the idea parents and nurses
should always bear in mind. The more a
behavior pattern is affixed to
the primary, simple, unconditioned
responses, the easier it is to
establish firmly. That is to say,
the sooner habits (good or bad)
are inculcated, the more force they
will have, the longer they will
endure, the harder they will be to
change" (Hohman, op. cit.,
p. 22).
Yes, the time to begin training children
is MUCH EARLIER than
most parents think!
It seems to be much simpler for children
to acquire bad habits
than it is to learn good ones.
Hence, it appears that
thumb-sucking, throwing silver
on the floor, or other habits are
acquired after only two or three
attempts, while it takes many
months to teach a child to stay
dry. The simple answer to this
problem is that the selfish
child learns much more quickly to do
that which is pleasurable, that
which is curious, interesting, and
easy to do, rather than that
which takes effort, concentration, and
persistence. It is much easier
to learn a bad habit than it is to
acquire a good one!
Obviously, since the child repeats what
he enjoys, it is good
for parents to make habits which
the child needs to acquire
interesting and enjoyable.
However, when all is said and done, the
child must learn to do that
which is right, enjoyable or not.
Most parents assume their very tiny
children are too young to
teach. They believe they should
wait until the child is old enough
to "understand."
However, this excuse is often carried over into
most of the pre-school years by
many parents, resulting in a
perfectly horrible little child
who is rebellious, ill-mannered,
disrespectful toward his elders,
and generally destructive.
A good slogan to remember is the one
already quoted: "Never
too young to learn."
More will be said about this later -- on
exactly how to attain
the desired result with very young
children.
Learn by Imitating
Perhaps the second most important manner
in which a very young
child acquires certain habits is
through mimicking and imitating
others.
"Aren't such activities as
climbing, imitation, emulation and
rivalry, pugnacity, anger,
resentment, sympathy, fear,
appropriation, acquisitiveness,
kleptomania, constructiveness,
play, curiosity, sociability,
shyness, cleanliness, modesty, shame,
love, jealousy, parental love,
and all of those pure instincts
which appear and run their
course completely beyond the control of
the parents? Surely, these
things are not dependent upon the way I
let my child grow up.
"Most of the older psychologists
would agree with you. The
behaviorist believed, too, when
he began his work, that some of
these acts would spring forth
fully formed. But we waited for their
appearance in vain.
"Now we are forced to believe from
the study of facts that all
of these forms of behavior are
BUILT IN by the parents and by the
environment which the parent
allows the child to grow up in. There
are no instincts. We build in at
an early age everything that is
later to appear" (Watson,
op. cit., pp. 37-38).
As has been previously outlined, human
beings know NOTHING at
birth. They must acquire,
through the channels of the five senses,
everything they come to know.
One of the major ways in which every
human being learns is by
mimicking and imitating others.
This method of learning is so powerful,
so intense that it
follows us all through our lives
-- often guiding and ruling our
every action, our customs and
our habits, even as mature adults.
Understanding this broad field of
imitation as a means of
child training -- it should
become immediately clear that parents
have a frightening
responsibility of setting the right example
before their children.
Imitating Evil
Parents who are raucous, who disagree,
and show they are
frequently upset with one
another are going to be surprised to find
they will have children who will
also become raucous, disagreeable
and given to temper displays and
angry outbursts. It also logically
follows that parents with bad
table manners, unclean personal
habits, resentment toward
authority, inherent laziness or any
number of hundreds of similar
frailties and faults are presenting
a constant, powerful influence
over their children to develop these
same habits.
So strong is this imitative impulse in
children that it
becomes one of the truly major
reasons for the development of many
child criminals. As has already
been outlined previously, criminal
behavior is learned. Perhaps one
of the best illustrations of this
factor is in the modern habits
of television viewing. Isolated
voices have been lifted up in
alarm over the brutalities paraded
across the television screen and
into the minds of tiny tots.
The Christian
Science Monitor (October 27, 1971), in an
article titled "TV Still
Lives by the Sword," reported: "Contrary
to a widespread public
impression that television violence has been
tempered, an informal Monitor
survey shows that the amount of
violence in adult programming
continues to bombard the viewer at
the same high level recorded by
this newspaper in a similar survey
in October, 1968.
"In 74 hours of prime-time evening
viewing over a period of a
week, Monitor staff members
recorded 217 incidents and threats of
violence and 125 killings and
murders. This compares with 254
incidents and 71 killings and
murders tabulated in the 1968 Monitor
survey.
"These statistics do not include
violence in comedy shows,
news programs or documentaries.
Separate tabulations were made for
children's programs on a
Saturday morning ...
"There is considerable pressure on
the networks to improve
children's programming in view
of the recent report from the office
of the Surgeon General of Public
Health, which found that THERE WAS
A CONNECTION BETWEEN VIEWING
AGGRESSION AND ACTING AGGRESSIVELY,
especially as it concerns
children."
Effects of Mass Media
A noted judge, with 25 years of
experience in the municipal
courts of Chicago, including
more than 10 years of presiding over
Chicago's unique Boys Court
said:
"Much of the inspiration for the
juvenile crimes of today
comes from motion
pictures, radio, and television, where the
gunman, the outlaw, the illicit
lover, the gangster is often
glorified and -- at the very
least -- is made out as a perfectly normal
and necessary part of our
civilization.
"The hope that the men who produce
this junk would be
sufficiently enlightened to
police themselves and accept their
tremendous responsibility in
building youthful morals and standards
intelligently and constructively
is apparently useless. They have
demonstrated that the certainty
of dollar profit in smut and
violence is more important to
them than the moral profit in
constructive fare.
"So it's up to parents to know what
their children are
watching and hearing, and to
exercise some intelligent restraint
for them. Parents also have the
power of life and death over what
is shown on television. Get
vocal. Make yourself heard. Refuse to
buy products. You'll get
results."
Too many parents today think it is
"cute" to see a child
actually IMITATING the carrying
out of a horrifyingly brutal crime!
There has been tongue-in-cheek
amusement over the specter of young
children whooping around the
tree where they have tied an amused
and patiently tolerant father,
pretending they are burning him at
the stake. There have been too
many parents who have smiled with
benign condonation at the antics
of little tots trotting through
the house shouting "Bang!
Bang!" at each other -- getting the
vicarious thrill of killing one
another when they are hardly old
enough to walk.
Children would far rather imitate
gangsters, crooks and
hoodlums than they would the
heroes. Have you ever noticed how
often children, in playing
games, will call themselves by the names
of some of their heroes? The
chances are -- the more of a merciless
killer he is -- the more "fans"
in the youthful generation he will
acquire.
Pet owners may be quite concerned about
allowing a cursing man
around their talking parrot --
but would think nothing of letting
their children witness thousands
of murders watching the mass
media.
Knowing this vital principle of the
rapidity with which a
child learns by mimicking and
imitating, it is a capital crime
against your own children to
allow the totally indiscriminate use
of television, the unsupervised
and uncontrolled reading of comic
books and novels, or to permit
yourselves to display wrong habits
and glaring errors in front of
your children.
How Habits Are Acquired
Bad habits are acquired after only one
or two experiences!
Remember, it's the pleasurable
experience that is most often
repeated. A little baby likes
the sound of his spoon hitting the
floor, and seeing his mother or
father pick it up for him. He likes
the excitement when he dumps his
cereal bowl, or spills his milk,
and sees the flurry of motion
and sound around him.
Naturally, unless he is firmly taught
not to do these things,
he will repeat them until they
become habit.
There are hundreds of things you will do
automatically. Why?
Because you have learned the
habit of doing them. They are not
carefully thought-out actions,
but automatic reflexes as a result
of certain stimuli to the
nervous system.
How, then, can you teach your children
the correct habits of
obedience, cleanliness, proper
eating, good posture, orderliness,
truthfulness, and respect?
The first time your baby reaches out a
chubby little hand to
grasp a spoon, he may drop it
several times, get it between his
fingers, and in both hands, and
try desperately to put it in his
mouth. He will trade hands with
it, bang it on his highchair tray,
and throw it on the floor. It is
only after weeks and months of
patient teaching that a child
will gradually learn to hold the
spoon correctly, eliminating all
the unnecessary movements and
actions, and finally solving the
complicated process of all the
muscular movements involved in
simply holding a spoon. This is
learned through trial and error.
Obviously, the parent should place
the spoon in the baby's hand,
and show the child how to hold it
correctly, helping him along
until he is able to do it for himself.
The first time a child drops a spoon
(after he has attained
the muscular coordination
necessary to properly hold it), the
parent should merely say,
"no" and pick it up, placing it back in
his hand. The second time,
repeat the command, and swat the back of
the hand sharply -- it won't
bruise or injure. In a very short time,
you will have a very small child
who will not ever, unless by pure
accident in a very rare
instance, drop his silverware on the floor.
Practice Makes Perfect
Some habits are learned almost
instantaneously, because they
give a pleasant reward to the
child. Other habits, and usually the
most necessary ones, take a
little longer.
For example, the child of three to four
years of age may have
great difficulty lacing his own
shoes -- tying them in horrifying
knots, or hardly tying them at
all. However, at the age of five or
six he may be tying them
smoothly and with seemingly no effort.
This is as a result of literally
hundreds of experiences with tying
and untying his own shoes. It is
the constant practice which has
made him finally efficient in
tying his shoes.
If we want a child to hold his spoon
correctly, tie his shoes
correctly, walk, stand or sit
correctly, should not this same
desire project itself into all
phases of life?
It is practice, in the right habits,
which will bring about
perfection. Thus, teaching a
child to open or close a door softly
and correctly several times
in a few minutes will begin to instill
in him the right habit of always
opening and closing the door
correctly. Teaching him to go to
the bathroom to wash his hands and
face prior to eating as a very
young child will instill in him such
a HABIT of doing this that it
will carry over into all his adult
life.
You may have heard it said that children
coming from a large
family are usually more generous
as adults. Why is this? Simply
because they were forced through
environmental circumstances to
learn to share as a very young
child. They had to share their toys,
bedroom, dinner table, games
and, oftentimes, even clothing.
Habits From Satisfaction
The more pleasurable an experience, the
quicker the child will
form a habit of repeating the
experience. Thus, the tiny baby, when
accidentally finding its own
thumb, begins to suck. This
thumb-sucking brings about a
feeling of solace and comfort which is
immediately pleasurable to the
child. Only one or two times, and a
full-fledged habit of
thumb-sucking is acquired! But this is a bad
habit, and should be broken as
early as possible.
Some modern child psychologists advocate
allowing a child to
suck his thumb up until ages of
five and six or even seven!
However, acquiring the proper
type of nighttime covering, and
dealing with the problem
diligently during the daytime will break
the child of this undesirable
habit which could, contrary to some
popular opinion, cause slight
damage to the gums and even
protruding front teeth. By using
a zipper-type sheet at night,
where the child's hands are not
allowed to come in contact with his
mouth, this bad habit can be
broken.
Obviously, since a child learns much
more rapidly if the
experience can be made
pleasurable, the problem arises as how to
make the desirable habits more
pleasurable.
"Only when some success
is attained does the child have a
feeling of satisfaction. A few
words of praise given now and then
for his somewhat bungling
attempts will often do more toward
helping a child acquire a
desirable habit than any amount of
unfavorable comments. To point a
child's mistakes rather than his
successes, in other words, is to set up in his mind an
unpleasant
association with the desired
act. The wise parent who wishes his
child to learn to lace his shoes
will compliment him, even though
he occasionally misses a hole or
falls short of the adult standard"
(Marion Ellison Faegre and S. E.
Anderson, "Childcare and
Training," University of
Minn., p. 86).
Parents who show only disgust at the
mistakes of their
children, are presenting a very
difficult barrier to the formation
of right habits.
If the principles outlined in this
series are applied in
individual cases, there are many
hundreds of right habits which may
be acquired without too much
difficulty. And, whatever the
difficulty -- the results are
well worth it.
Personal Cleanliness
Perhaps some mothers make a
"fetish" out of personal
cleanliness, always to be seen
chasing their child about with a
damp washcloth, and always
horrified if they become even slightly
dirty. This is an extreme. But
nevertheless, personal cleanliness
should be instilled early in the
child as a habit! Obviously, this
can only be done if the parent,
in the beginning, keeps the child
meticulously clean at all times.
If children are always made to clean up
immediately upon
coming into the house after
play, if they are always made to wash
and comb prior to each meal, if
the first thing they do upon
arising is to wash, comb their
hair and brush their teeth, they
will learn the habit of personal
cleanliness very early. Later, in
the early school years, when it
becomes a matter of personal self-
discipline, you will find you
have a child who is acutely aware of
personal hygiene and
cleanliness.
Teach Your Child to Eat What is Set
Before Him
Frequently, parents who express disgust
at a certain vegetable
in the presence of their
children find their children form a
"dislike" for that
particular vegetable. Remember, your child
learns by association. He learns
by your example. Spanking may be
used to teach the child to eat
all that is set before him, or
deprivation of a reward, such as
letting the child go without
dessert, will sometimes
gain the desired results. Nature will not
let the child starve. Sometimes,
mothers feel a child who is made
to go without a meal will
"starve to death." This is simply untrue
-- and even spinach will acquire
a peculiarly interesting taste if
the child gets REALLY hungry.
Teach Your Child to Come When He
Is Called
Never, at any age, is there an excuse
for children to run away
from their parents, or to
disobey when told to come when called.
Don't ever let your child become
like the "average" 18-monther
described already who, when
"asked to 'Come here, dear' ... either
stands still or runs in the
opposite direction" (Ilg and Ames, op.
cit., p. 22).
Instead, as your child learns how better
to walk, begin to
teach him to come when he is
called. Make your commands short and
to the point. "Come to
daddy!" "Come to mama!" or, simply using the
word "Come!" is ample
for an 18-month child.
Obviously, the first time you call, the
child will not
understand what you mean, and
probably will not come. This should
be accompanied, then, by placing
the child squarely in front of you
when he first learns to
"toddle around," backing away from him a
few feet to a chair or
convenient place, and then accompanying his
toddling toward you with the
words "Come!" or "Come to daddy!" in
this fashion, the child learns
by association that coming in your
direction is the result of
hearing the command "Come!" Later, as he
increases in ability to walk,
try calling him even if he is walking
in the opposite direction. At
first, when he doesn't immediately
turn around and come to you, go
to him, pick him up and turn him
around, then back away and
repeat the command -- holding out your
hands. You will find the careful
repetition of this practice will
soon instill the habit in your
child of coming when called.
If the child begins to think it is all a
game, and laughingly
runs in the other direction,
what should you do? Most parents would
probably "hate like
everything" to punish their child at this
juncture, because they would
simply reason to themselves "but he
thinks I'm just playing."
That's just it. How is he ever going to
find out you are not
playing -- if you don't teach
him?
In the fashion already outlined, give
the command "Come here!"
If the child runs in the other
direction run to him, spank him with
a few firm swats, enough to be
felt. Don't just mildly surprise the
child. Place him squarely in his
tracks, facing in the same
direction in which he was going.
Retire to the same position in
which you were when you made the
original command. Repeat the
command. This time, the chances
are, he will come to you when
called. If he does not, repeat
the same procedure until the child
has thoroughly understood what
is required of him, and has begun to
come at your call, regardless of
the direction in which he is
headed, regardless of what he is
doing, regardless of how far away
he may be.
Perhaps this sounds quite unnecessary to
some -- but it is
exceedingly remarkable to note
the scores of parents with little
children today who couldn't get
their children to come to them when
they call if their very lives
depended upon it.
Teach Your Child to Listen to Your
Instructions
Sounds simple? But it isn't. Again, NO
child will ever listen
to his parents unless he is
taught to listen. The parent who
constantly says, "Did you
hear me?" or, "Did you understand?" or,
"Pay attention to
mama!" is the parent who has never learned to
teach the child to listen.
First-grade teachers could form a
veritable army of witnesses to
tell surprised parents how few
children have ever learned to
listen to instructions. It is another
of the beginning principles in
child rearing.
It is truly amazing what a few sharp
spankings will accomplish
to improve a child's hearing. If
your child does not seem to hear
you when you call, or his mind
wanders when you are instructing
him, or he pays no attention to
you -- the following measures should
be applied: Speak ONLY ONCE.
Speak sufficiently audibly so that you
are SURE your child (if he has
normal hearing, which we are
assuming, since we are dealing
with the "average" case) can hear
you. In this way, you will be
assured at the outset that his lack
of attentiveness is not due to a
fault on your part. If he doesn't
listen, simply go to him and
apply a sharp, but comparatively mild,
spanking! Explain to the child
he did not listen to you -- and tell
him to be more attentive next
time.
Apply the proper methods of positive
teaching, followed by
swift, never-failing and loving
punishment for infractions. In this
manner, you will break the bad
habit of not listening to parental
instructions and admonitions,
and instill the good habit of always
listening attentively to the
parent. In this fashion, whether your
child is playing, or engaged in
some pursuit which calls for his
undivided attention, he will,
nevertheless, always "have one ear
tuned" to the voice of his
parent.
This is another point at which many
parents fail-simply
because they are never sure
their child really could have heard
them. Use wisdom. If your child
is outdoors, and banging on a tin
pan or playing noisily with
toys, the chances are you should not
even attempt to call loudly from
inside the house, unless there is
an open window very near the
child's play area. Rather, you should
go to a place where the child
can see as well as hear -- and then
call your child or give whatever
instructions or teaching you wish.
I know of a case where a parent was
finding herself calling
repeatedly for her son. He had a
backyard "project" involving his
pets, and was invariably
"busy" and "occupied" with them. He
apparently didn't hear the calls
of his parents. He was reminded to
listen carefully, and sternly
admonished. Next time, he still
didn't come. He was firmly
spanked for it. The next day, he came to
the door several times
when his mother hadn't called, saying, "Mom,
did you call me?" Does this
illustrate the point? Always be sure
any normal child couldn't help
but hear, and then, if the child
does not respond, apply the
lesson until he does learn to respond.
Teach Your Child How to Answer His
Parents
Remember, one of the greatest lessons
any of us can learn is
a deep inner sense of respect
for authority. Not only do many
children "speak against
dignitaries" today, but millions are
allowed to "sass"
their parents, to talk back, to say "Yeah!" or
"Naw!" to parental
questions or commands.
Children should be taught to look up to
the office and
authority of their parents. The
child who truly loves his parents
will be able to experience an
even fuller love if he is also taught
a deep inner sense of respect
toward his parents. This may be
evidenced in the manner in which
the child answers the parents.
It is neither "old-fashioned"
nor wrong to teach children to
say, "Yes, sir!" or
"Yes, ma'am!" to their parents. Teaching the
child to say, "Yes,
father" or "Yes, mother" may sound, perhaps, a
little too laborious and lengthy
and the same purposes may be
achieved by a simple "Yes,
sir" or "No, ma'am." My child invariably
answers me with a "Yes,
sir" or a "No, sir" and, in looking back,
I can recall having to apply a
very mild spanking on only one
occasion in his entire life to
instill in him this habit. It was
simply a matter of the positive
teaching. He was taught how to
answer.
You should begin at a very early age,
when a child is first
learning to put together simple
phrases and learning to talk. When
asking a child a question, such
as, "Did you have a good time
today?" if the child says,
"y-e-e-e-es" -- then you should say: "Say,
'Yes, sir!" and have your
child repeat this a few times. As a
result of diligent teaching in
each instance, within just a very
few days, or, at the most, a few
weeks -- you will have instilled in
your child a habit which will
last through the remainder of his
natural life. At age four, or
five, my boy was answering "Yes, sir"
on almost every occasion.
However, I began to notice frequent
slips, and that he would begin to
drop off the "sir" on occasion.
I said, "Mark, you should
always say 'Yes, sir,' or 'No, sir,' when
you talk to your daddy, or 'Yes,
ma'am' or 'No, ma'am,' when you
talk to your mother. You have
been slipping up on this lately -- and
forgetting. I'm calling this to
your attention -- now -- to tell you
about it as a reminder -- so you
won't slip up on it in the future.
If you do, then I will have to
give you a spanking to help you
remember -- do you
understand?" "Yes, sir!" answered my son.
However, true to form, he did forget
within a few hours, or
days -- I don't remember now. At
any rate, true to my promise, I did
spank him for it. I don't
believe I swatted him more than four or
five times.
He tearfully apologized, and I put my arms around him
and loved him, telling him I was
giving him the spanking merely to
help him remember -- and that he
sometimes needed this help as a part
of his positive teaching -- so
he wouldn't forget.
Teach Your Child to Perform Certain
Definite Tasks
At a very early age, children may be
taught to put up their
own toys, fold and hang up
clothing, help make their beds, clean up
after themselves in the
bathroom, or do other simple tasks about
the house or yard. This is not
with the aim of acquiring cheap
labor about the home -- far from
it. It is with the goal in mind of
teaching your child one of the
most important lessons of life,
which, simply stated, is this:
to do what he is told to do -- when he
is told to do it.
By constantly teaching your child to
perform certain tasks
about the home, you are
instilling several habits within him at
once. The habit of obedience, of
neatness, of cleanliness, of
listening to parental instruction,
of answering correctly and that
of performing definite tasks are
all involved in this procedure.
At first, you will need to "spell
out" exactly what is
expected of the child. For
example: With your child, bend over and
pick up one of his toys. Hand it
to him, and then, take him by the
hand, show him the proper place
for the toy. After you have done
this a few times,
then you may have him pick it up and carry it to
its proper place unaided. After
a few times, giving simple
instructions all the while, you
will find that your child is able
to pick up an object from one
part of the house, and,
progressively, going through
several rooms, pull open the right
drawer and put it in its proper
place.
As your child gets to the age where he
can understand more
than one simple instruction at a
time, begin to link together two
or even three simple
instructions. For example, say, "Johnny, pick
up these toys and take them to
your room -- and put them away in
their proper place. Then, bring
daddy his slippers from his
closet." Be slow and
definite in your instructions. In this
fashion, going to his room, and
then relating the putting away of
one or two objects with the
obtaining of another, you have begun to
teach your child how to
accomplish certain definite series of
tasks -- how to follow parental
instructions!
As he grows older, you may increase the
instructions
proportionately. Again, these
may sound like simple principles -- yet
there are literally vast hordes
of parents who have never taken the
time or the effort to teach
their children how to respond to simple
commands.
A small girl was being "brought
up," or perhaps it would be
better to say was being allowed
to grow up, the "permissive" way.
Her family would be talking to
guests, and she would appear,
beating loudly on a tin pan. Her
mother would imperturbably smile
and gently say, "Joan,
dear, take your pan into the other room,
darling, so we may talk
..." Joan would shake her head and continue
drumming.
Her mother would repeat the request, to
which the child
finally replied, "No! I
want to play HERE!"
Then followed a long discourse by
mother, on the rights and
desires of other people -- how
the "grownups" wanted to visit, and
would she please be a "good
girl" and leave the room?
To all this, Joan merely continued
shaking her head and
drumming.
Finally, the mother arose, and led the
guests out on the
patio, retreating in full
flight, leaving little Joan in possession
of the field, clearly the
victor. The mother murmured, as she left
the house. "I'm sorry folks
-- but you know how it is -- she's so
little, and it's so difficult
for her to understand ..."
How about it? Is this the way you want
your child to be?
You see, little Joan did really
"understand"! She understood
that she could get her own way
-- that she didn't have to obey her
parents' suggestions, and that
she could do just as she pleased.
This parent, not quite sure the
child was old enough to
"understand" things on
an adult level -- and therefore to "reason
out" what her logical
course of action should be, was actively
engaged in teaching her child a
terrible habit of selfishness, lack
of respect for her elders, and
disobedience.
This is far from an uncommon situation.
It is almost a rule in
many homes today.
First, make sure your child understands
the simple, direct
commands and admonitions you
give -- then make your child obey them
by piloting him through the
first few routines -- and then having him
accomplish the tasks on his own.
Your children can and should learn right
habits and respect at
an early age. As mentioned,
infancy is the time to start teaching
your child right habits. In the
early years of infancy, the child
should establish the basis of
good habits and proper respect. Then,
as he grows toward teenage,
there will be no problem of the
"impossible" child who
simply will not obey his parents.
Be diligent and firm -- but loving --
when the child is young. You
will be amazed at the results.
Chapter Four
YOU CAN PUNISH YOUR CHILDREN IN
LOVE
PUNISHMENT should never be merely
negative -- but always,
without fail, accompanied by
positive teaching. The right action,
the right method, which is
expected of the child, should be clearly
shown him -- not only the wrong
ones.
Some parents, who are actually
unqualified to be parents, are
prone to punish their children
in the heat of anger, with hardness
and cruelty. Rather than
instilling into the child the healthy
"fear" which is right
and good-not "terror" -- these parents do cause
children to build up feelings of
resentment and anger.
They will probably find their children
lying to escape
punishment, and developing into
cheats and child criminals! Seeing
these abuses in the punishment
of children, many have assumed that
all punishment must be wrong.
This is simply untrue. God plainly says,
"Children, OBEY your
parents in the Lord: for this is
right. Honour thy father and
mother; which is the first
commandment with promise; that it may be
well with thee, and thou mayest
live long on the earth. And, ye
fathers, PROVOKE NOT YOUR
CHILDREN TO WRATH: but bring them up in
the nurture and admonition of
the Lord" (Eph. 6:1-4).
Notice, God says do not provoke your
children to WRATH.
But a constant attitude of negativism --
of only saying "No!"
and never saying
"YES!" -- of only showing a child what he should NOT
do, and never showing him what
he CAN and SHOULD do -- punishing ONLY
in a NEGATIVE way, will, in the
long run, "provoke your children to
wrath."
God always punishes His children in LOVE
-- NEVER in anger and
wrath. Notice how Jeremiah
prayed: "Oh Lord, I know that the way of
man is not in himself: it is not
in man that walketh to direct his
steps. O Lord, CORRECT me, but
with judgment; NOT IN THINE ANGER,
lest thou bring me to
nothing" (Jer. 10:23-24).
God's very nature is love. Yet, we read
that God says He
PUNISHES every son that He truly
LOVES! Jeremiah prayed for
punishment. But he wanted God to
punish him in judgment, in mercy,
and in LOVE -- NOT IN ANGER.
How to Discipline
Most parents usually punish children
only when those children
have driven them to it. They are
punishing because they are
literally trying to "get
back at" their children and are angry
because their child has done
something which has disturbed them.
This is improper punishment, and will
never bring the right
result.
Let's really
understand! There is NEVER, under any
circumstances, a time to beat a
child. A child should NEVER, under
any circumstances, be punished
in anger! A child should NEVER be
bruised, or injured!
Another danger in punishment is leaving
the child to himself
immediately after the punishment
-- and leaving him with the
impression that he is still
guilty.
The positive type of punishment always
carries with it the
automatic understanding that the
child is now forgiven for his
wrong action, and is now in the
good graces of his parents.
Only by parents carefully explaining
this to their children,
and showing that they are
punishing in love, with judgment and
wisdom, using great discretion,
will they avoid some of these
dangers in punishment.
You will be surprised how often a child
will thoroughly repent
of his wrong action and assure
you that he is sorry for his wrong
deed, throwing his arms around
you and telling you how much he
loves you when you punish in an
attitude of love, and let him know
that the punishment carries
forgiveness with it.
What Effective Punishment Should
Accomplish
Any type of punishment, whether a
physical spanking,
deprivation of privilege, or
other type, must always suit the
offense. It must, at all costs,
be prompt, and must never be done
unless preceded by a warning. It
must never be done in anger -- but
it must always be felt.
Effective punishment is never
"temporary" in terms of the end
result. It is aimed, NOT merely
at temporarily quieting a child, or
causing him to discontinue some
annoying act, but at the LONG-RANGE
goals of establishing the habit
of obedience, proper self-control
and self-discipline.
In ordinary cases, states one authority,
corporal punishment
is unnecessary after the younger
years of childhood. At any age, it
is, they stress, a temporary
measure. We have not been successful
in our training until the child
obeys from CHOICE, and "from ideals
that have been developed and not
because of fear of physical
punishment" (Pyle,
"Training Children", p. 172).
If parents have applied effective
punishment in the early
years, the formative years, and
"bent the twig" before it becomes
a gnarled, huge, unyielding
tree, THEN punishment is truly a
temporary measure.
However, if there is not loving,
temporary parental punishment
to instill true self-discipline
and the proper ideas and
morals -- then society may well
inflict much harsher, and far more
permanent punishment on that
same child who has become a hardened
criminal.
Remember, habits must be formed.
Corporal punishment, done in
discretion and love, must take
the place of higher motives when the
child is too young to really
know the difference between right and
wrong.
When the child is entirely too young to
discern right from
wrong, good from evil, his
parents have the God given
responsibility to make his
decisions for him.
This must be done in a workable,
practical manner.
You simply cannot afford to let a child
"gradually" quit
running away, or out into the
street, or turning on the gas,
playing with fire, and breaking
vases and bottles. You've got to
get results -- and get them
fast.
Let's analyze another example of a child
who openly flaunts
authority before his parents. As
already quoted, some child
psychologists assure us:
"The eighteen-monther ... asked to
'Come here, dear,' either
stands still or runs in the
opposite direction. (He may even like
to walk backwards.) Ask him to
put something in the wastebasket,"
they tell us, "and he is
more likely to empty out what is already
in it. Hold out your hand for
the cup which he has just drained, he
will drop it onto the floor.
Give him a second sock to put on, and
he will more likely than not
remove the one which is already on his
foot. His enjoyment of the
opposite," they continue, "may be the
reason why it works so well, if
he is running away from you to say
'bye-bye,' and walk away from
him. Then he may come running.
"Not only does he not come when
called -- he seldom obeys any
verbal command. 'No' is his
chief word!" (Ilg and Ames, op. cit.,
p. 22.)
What Could Happen to Your
Child
Assuming a young couple have been
attempting to "rear" their
child according to this idea,
let's see what could easily happen.
The parents, with a small
eighteen-month-old boy, are walking
casually along the streets of
their town. Their boy, simply because
he is supposedly in one of the
"phases" of childhood which demands
a negative and rebellious answer
to everything, is disobedient. He
rebels at any command of his
parents, saying "no" to their every
order, and laughingly runs from
them when they attempt to correct
him, scorning their feeble
efforts at keeping him under control.
They approach an intersection. The light
is red. The child,
seeing something interesting
across the street, begins to run for
it. Each parent, frightened almost
beyond words, shouts, "No! No!
Stop!" at the top of his
voice. A screech of tires; the laughing
face of their child looking back
at them as he follows his babyish
habit of "running away from
them" when they say, "No"; a sickening
"thud!" and their baby
boy is a lifeless, grotesquely sprawled form
lying under a car.
A purely hypothetical case, you say? No.
Far from it. It
happens quite frequently. But it
only happens to children who are
disobedient to their parents'
commands, and who have not been
taught not to run away from
their parents, not to resist, rebel,
and do the exact opposite of
everything their parents tell them.
Almost the identical situation took
place with my son.
Except -- I had taught my boy
what "No!" meant. We were walking home
from church, and Mark had run
ahead about 15 or 20 feet. As we came
to the crossing before our
house, a car came racing down the
usually quiet street on which we
lived. Mark began to step off the
curb, to run across to the
house. Seeing the car rapidly
approaching, I shouted,
"No!"
There was no time to "reason"
with Mark. There was no time to
"surround" him with
objects that he "could build up and manipulate"
in order to take his mind off
running across the street. Instead,
there was only time for the
single shouted command -- "No!"
There was the roar of an engine, a
swirling of leaves and
dust, and the face of my boy,
standing stock-still, waiting
obediently at the curb, smiling
at me as he stopped INSTANTLY upon
hearing that command. I breathed
a sigh of relief, and expressed my
thankfulness to God, and then to
my wife, for the wonderful
blessing it is to know the right
method of child rearing really
works!
Teach the Habit of Obedience
There can be no absolutely hard and fast
rule as to the exact
moment at which you should begin
corrective measures to instill the
habit of obedience and respect
for authority within your children.
However, since we know
correction must be just and graded to the
nature and the degree of the
offense, it should hinge upon the time
when it is first required.
Let us now understand when effective
discipline may be
required. Any parent quickly
learns to discern the difference
between a "hunger"
cry, a "wet" cry, a "hurt" cry and an "angry"
cry. Let us repeat, any parent
should certainly be able to discern
the differences in the emotional
outbursts in their children.
To spank a child simply because it is
crying would be a
terrible mistake. A parent would
feel grievously ashamed and
terribly hurt if, after
administering a spanking for crying, he
found an open safety pin
sticking the child had caused the
outburst. However, let us not
swing to the opposite extreme and
"kid ourselves" that
every time the child cries there is some
reason other than anger or
rebellion for it.
Let us assume the following situation
develops:
Your child is properly bathed, fed, and
put to bed
comfortably. It is now well past
the time he should normally be
sleeping. However, he begins
crying or "fussing." You arise from
bed, go to his room and check
carefully to see why he is crying.
You know he has been fed; you
have checked his diapers and clothing
carefully to see that he is not
bound in his clothing, or that
there is not any open pin. (Many
"locking type" safety pins are
available which make this almost
an impossibility today.)
The child is not pulling his knees up,
indicating he does not
have a stomach ache. You notice
that he ceases crying immediately
when you pick him up, and begins
to cry the moment you put him back
down. Now you have ascertained
his cry is an "attention"
cry -- merely wanting to be held.
Not a serious crime in itself, and
certainly it is good and right
for a parent to rock his child to
sleep, to allow the child to go
to sleep on the bosom of the parent
and then quietly place him in
his own crib, or to walk with him
until he is asleep. However --
you must start sometime to teach him
the meaning of the word
"no!"
Teach the Meaning of
"No!"
Place the baby back in his crib. Retire
from the room. After
he begins "fussing"
again, walk to the side of his crib, bend over
and make sure he hears you.
Point your finger at him, and say once,
firmly, but not too loudly,
"no!" Retire from the room. Usually, he
will either stop crying
momentarily at the sound of your voice, or
will be continuing to cry all
the way through your entry into the
room and your command. However,
don't begin to make the mistake
here that so many parents make
of "not being sure" their child
heard or understood them.
Usually, he will begin to cry again the
moment you leave the
room. Next, walk firmly to the
side of his crib, and, using only
one or two fingers, deftly and
smartly swat him on the buttocks.
You may, without removing the
heavy nighttime diapers, spat him
sharply very high on the side of
the thigh. But first, strike
yourself on the back of the
hand, the wrist or the cheek to
determine the strength of the
swat, and make definitely sure you do
not strike the child too hard.
However, do make sure you strike him
hard enough so that he feels it.
The child may drop off into a deep sleep
within a few moments
of crying. Allow him to cry
until you can tell by the sound of his
crying that the pain, hurt and
surprise has died down and he is not
still crying merely as the
after-effects of his first "spanking."
This will vary, and needs a great deal
of wisdom and judgment.
But it also needs firmness, and
assurance you are doing this the
right way, and purposeful
determination to carry the lesson
through.
If
the child then, after 10 or 15 minutes, begins to cry
again -- and you can discern
this is another "attention" cry, repeat
the performance. Repeat it
exactly as it was done before. Walk
firmly into the room; bend over
the crib; say "No!" to the child
sharply. Already, he may very
well cease crying immediately. But,
true to form, the crying will
probably begin again the minute you
leave the room. Usually, the
second sharp swat will be all that is
needed for this lesson. The
child will fill his lungs with good
pure air, wave his little arms
and kick his feet, have a good
healthy cry, and usually lapse
into a full, deep and tired sleep.
Why Spank?
Most of us are looking for temporary
goals. The only purpose
in spanking children, with many,
seems to be in getting the child
to immediately cease whatever he
is doing that is annoying them. We
may want our child to quit
running while in the house, quit running
out into the street, to quit
"bothering" us when we're busy, or any
number of things which encroach
upon OUR personal peace of mind.
In this fashion, spanking truly does
become entirely negative.
It is usually done by
thoughtless parents in anger.
Since this is one of the most common
abuses of proper
discipline, some child
psychologists have made mincemeat of the
practice -- using improper usage
as a premise against any proper use.
Most parents who do spank their
children, unfortunately, do
spank them in anger. They are
concentrating only on the immediate
goals. They want their child to
"quit bothering" them.
Have you ever heard a parent say,
"That makes me so mad at
you!" to his child? Such
parents are admitting they use spanking
only negatively, and not as a
proper method to teach those lasting
values -- those permanent habits
of obedience that are so necessary.
Another common miscalculation is that of
supposedly "adding
insult to injury." Some
parents reason a crying child, or one who
is "upset," is already
suffering from something -- and a spanking
would only make him suffer all
the more. Therefore they reason a
spanking at this juncture would
be harmful.
This may be true in some circumstances.
A child who is
disappointed over a broken toy,
who is excessively tired, or who
has become emotionally upset
over a similar situation should NOT be
spanked. Sorrow, disappointment,
regret or hunger -- these should NOT
be punished. But anger,
resentment, rebellion, or hatred -- these
definitely should be punished.
The long-range goal of spanking for a
show of rebellion is to
prove to the infant mind that
rebellion nets punishment. Never fear
that the child will have any
difficulty in connecting the
punishment with the crime. He
will automatically connect the two
together.
However, many parents are dissuaded from
accomplishing these
lasting goals by reasoning,
"Why spank him if he's screaming and
crying hard when a spanking is
just going to 'upset' him all the
more?"
Parents are deluded from their
long-range goals by reasoning
the following:
"But supposing he does get angry?
What shall we do?
"If he is angry because he is
sleepy or hungry, we have to try
as matter-of-factly as we can to
get him fed and into bed. If we
can be calm ourselves it will
help. What use is there in being
disturbed and annoyed when that
will only add to our child's anger
and our own trouble?"
(Parents Institute, op. cit., p. 357.)
Herein lies a basic principle which
needs to be thoroughly
understood.
Don't Make Excuses
Most parents are inclined to make
excuses for their children's
poor behavior. Actually, they
are excusing themselves, as the ones
who are really
to blame for the irresponsible actions of their
children. Parents who CONSTANTLY
excuse the squallings of a child
by saying he "is
tired," or ignore the angry outbursts of a toddler
by saying he's "just
upset" today, or say he "didn't get a nap" and
therefore is acting like an
uncontrollable monster -- are merely
excusing both themselves and
their children.
But the real
truth is very clear. This child comes from a
POORLY SCHEDULED ENVIRONMENT,
from a poorly managed home. He is the
product of a careless mother and
father who, after having made
numerous mistakes in his care
and training, merely make excuses for
the obvious result of their
carelessness. (Parents can avoid some
of these problems by getting
their children to bed on TIME.)
Should a child be chastised for
expressing anger by crying?
God's answer is: "Chasten
thy son while there is hope, and let not
thy soul spare for his
crying" (Prov. 19:18).
Simply being "sleepy" or
"hungry" is one thing -- but being
angry because of it is another.
Parents quickly learn to discern
between a "sleepy" cry
and an "angry" cry.
How to Accomplish Permanent
Goals
Of course your child will cry all the
harder when he receives
a spanking. If your immediate
goal is merely to get your child to
be quiet -- then you are
thwarting your own purpose. But if you have
a long-range goal of teaching
and training your child while he is
young, you will recognize each
particular situation as a challenge,
not for the immediate present,
but for the future. You spank for
anger and rebellion now, fully realizing
he is going to cry all the
harder, in order to instill in
him the habit of obedience, and to
teach him rebellion against
authority is absolutely wrong. This
teaching is going to stand him
in good stead later.
Let us notice an example of parents
eating out with their
children in a restaurant.
Johnny, aged 2 1/2, begins to play with
his silverware.
Dropping his knife on the floor,
his father picks it up and takes
the silverware away from him.
Immediately, Johnnie bursts into an
angry outburst of tears.
Embarrassed, realizing there are many
others suddenly looking at them,
the father tells Johnnie
"sh-h-h-h-h-h." But
Johnnie does not "sh-h-h-h-h-h" -- he cries all
the louder. What should the
father do? Should he pacify the child
by giving the silverware back to
him? Should he rap him sharply on
the hand while in the
restaurant?
His feelings are in a turmoil. He realizes
if he tries to
spank him in front of all these
people he will merely cry all the
louder. And so, nearly always
the child gets his own way. The
father, not wanting to create a
"scene," gives the silverware back
to the child -- and he has won a
major victory. He has found crying
gets him his own way. Anger pays
off.
But if Johnnie's father had realized
he should be
concentrating on the long-range
goal of teaching his child respect
for authority and the rights of
others, he would have done the
following:
Handle the Situation
He would have left the silverware right
where it was in front
of Johnny. (Of course, had
Johnnie been receiving all the proper
training at home this situation
may have never arisen in the first
place.) He would have picked up
the knife patiently, placed it in
its proper place on the table,
looked levelly at the child and said
once, sharply, firmly but
quickly, "No!" The chances are about
999,000 to 1 Johnnie would
immediately seize the silverware in his
chubby little hand again. Of
course. That's what is expected. He
must be taught not to disobey.
The next step is to firmly take the
silverware from his hand calmly
and patiently, arising from the
chair, picking up Johnnie and
carrying him outside -- to a PRIVATE
PLACE such as your automobile.
This is going to cause far less
disturbance, far less
embarrassment in the immediate situation -- and
is going to help form a good habit
in the child. After Johnnie's
father gets him to a private
place, such as their own car, he
EXPLAINS to the boy what he has
done. He might say, "Johnnie, you
dropped your silverware on the
floor and disturbed others. I told
you No! -- not to touch the
silverware again. You disobeyed. And now,
because I love you, and I don't
wish to have you grow up to be
disobedient, I must teach you I
mean exactly what I say when I tell
you No!" Whereupon the
father should punish Johnnie appropriately.
Five or six firm licks on his
bottom may be enough. But, in any
event, this punishment must be
appropriate to the occasion, neither
too severe, nor too lax.
Punishment, in order to be effective, must
be felt.
Then, the father picks up the child
after his tears have
subsided, wipes his face and
carries him calmly back to the table,
placing him again in his seat.
An unnecessarily lengthy procedure, you
say? It is, if the
only thing about which you are
concerned is a little peace and
quiet during one of the
thousands of meals you are going to eat in
your lifetime. Far from it, if
you are concerned about rearing your
child correctly, teaching him
the meaning of parental authority and
discipline, and using these
minor incidents as a means toward the
long range goals.
However, try to use wisdom. Avoid making
a scene that is
uncomfortable for others.
Ultimate Benefits of Constructive
Discipline
J. Edgar Hoover said something so
piquant, so strikingly
applicable, that it should be
briefly quoted:
"Criminals are made, not born. Long
before a youngster is
legally labeled 'juvenile
delinquent,' his acts repeat a familiar
pattern of conduct --
falsehoods, disobedience, truancy, petty
stealing. Each dereliction leads
to another. Unless he learns the
fundamental lessons of
self-discipline, trouble is inevitable.
"Every child should have maximum freedom
of expression, but
when such freedom
transgresses common decency or infringes upon the
rights of others, it must be
curtailed. Our prisons are filled with
individuals who enjoy freedom
of expression without
self-discipline" (J. Edgar
Hoover, "How Good a Parent Are You?", p.
3).
A child who has been TAUGHT obedience
from the time of mere
infancy will have practically no
chance of ever turning into a
juvenile delinquent. This is not
to say mere punishment and respect
for authority is the only
panacea against juvenile delinquency.
There are many other reasons,
among them: parental neglect, broken
homes and divorce, unhappy
homes, bad examples, outside influences,
dangerous literature and the
pressures of modern-day society.
But correction should be utilized as a
POSITIVE part of
learning. And it will bring the
results you want -- obedient, happy,
responsive children.
Biblical Childrearing
Principles
God says: "Train up a child in the
way he should go: and when
he is old, he will not depart
from it" (Prov. 22:6). The clear
indication from this scripture
is that a properly trained child is
very likely to continue in a
desirable way of living when he
reaches maturity.
Remember, God is love. God punishes us
because He loves us,
even as we should punish our
children in the right manner, at the
right time -- because we love
them. "He that spareth his rod hateth
his son: but he that loveth him
chasteneth him betimes [early]"
(Prov. 13:24). God says to
withhold proper punishment from a child
is LACK of love, and is actual
HATRED for the child! Your Creator
says you are withholding
something mighty precious from your child
if you do not punish him when
such punishment is deserved.
"Withhold not correction from the
child: for if thou beatest
him with the rod [stick or
switch], he shall not die. Thou shalt
beat him with the rod, and shalt
deliver his soul from hell" (Prov.
23:13-14).
The Hebrew word used here for
"rod" would be better translated
into our modern English
"switch." Certainly no implement which
could be termed a rod, such as a
curtain rod or a heavy stick of
any nature should ever be used
in disciplining a child.
Correction should be utilized as a
positive part of learning.
It is, as revealed in the Bible,
one of the METHODS of teaching.
King Solomon wrote:
"Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child;
but the rod of correction shall
drive it far from him" (Prov.
22:15).
Further, your Bible reveals "The
rod and reproof give wisdom:
but a child LEFT TO HIMSELF
bringeth his mother to shame" (Prov.
29:15).
Yes, reproof, correction, proper
discipline can be utilized as
one of the most important
methods of positive TEACHING.
Chapter Five
HOW TO GET RESULTS
IF YOU have really
seen, and you know that you can and must
punish your children when they
need it -- and do it in love -- then you
need to know how. What do you
use?
You've heard of the old razor strap, the
belt, the buggy whip,
the ruler and pencil of the
school teachers of a few decades ago.
But should these implements be
used?
What Should You Use?
We have already seen how two or three
fingers of the hand
should be used for a very young
child, and first tested on your own
forearm or thigh. Generally, it
is best to spank with the hand.
But, again, there are many
cautions.
First, never try to spank a small child
with the whole hand
through his diapers! Before you
would ever accomplish the job of
administering a proper spanking
to drive the lesson home, you might
run the risk of injuring the
child's back. The whole hand against
one or two thicknesses of
diapers would not really be felt except
as a clubbing type of blow to
the child.
As mentioned previously, you should
raise the corners of the
diaper, and sharply swat the
child with only two or three fingers.
Make sure it is felt -- but
first try it on yourself.
Before continuing with these methods,
let's understand where
you should spank a child. It is
certainly all right to swat the
back of a child's hand as he
reaches for a forbidden object, such
as a lighted stove, china vase,
or something he may pull down and
break. In fact, as one author
states, "A slap on the hand of the
infant who is reaching for a
forbidden object has the advantages of
immediate and direct association
with the misbehavior and of being
quickly over. To do any good the
slap must be sharp enough to be
felt, but should not be severely
painful" (Hohman, op. cit., p.
49).
But these are the only areas in which
you should ever spank a
child. Either high on the backs
and sides of the legs, directly on
the buttocks, or occasionally on
the backs of the hands. You should
NEVER "box his ears"
or strike a child about the head or face.
Any time a parent is seen slapping a
child on the face, or
thumping him on the head,
striking him anywhere else but the areas
described (and then never hard
enough to bruise or injure) that
parent is probably punishing in
anger, and is truly "hitting" the
child -- not really
punishing in love.
Generally it is going to be better to
spank with your own
hand. That way, you can feel it,
too, and you will be even surer
you are not overdoing it.
Many parents utilize a small switch,
which will sharply sting,
but never break the skin or
bruise. As the author already quoted
said, "Spanking or nettling
small legs with appropriately small
switches are only two of the
methods that may be used" (ibid.).
Certainly, nothing in the old-fashioned
buggy-whip category
should ever be used. An
extremely effective implement is one of the
lighter ping pong paddles,
applied to the bare buttocks.
Use common sense. Punish your child in
love -- calmly, never in
the heat of emotion -- and you
need not fear "over-punishment."
It is very strongly recommended not to
use anything that could
properly be considered an
"implement" for punishment short of one
year of age. Parents are
strictly cautioned to be EXTREMELY CAREFUL
in the application of proper
punishment to a very tiny child. BE
careful! DON'T HARM THE CHILD!
Now that we have discussed how spanking
should be done, let us
cover, in principle, other
important things to remember.
It Must Be Prompt
To be effective, spanking should always
be prompt. Frequently,
because of
"embarrassment" in the presence of friends, being in a
public place, driving in a car,
or some other such difficulty which
seems to make the immediate
application of punishment somewhat
problematic, parents will defer
punishment until a later time. This
should never be done! The child
(and the younger the child the
truer this is) will tend to lose
sight of the seriousness of his
offense, and the exact
relationship between the offense and the
punishment meted out will become
somewhat unclear in his mind after
a period of delay.
"Punishment, to be effective, must
be prompt, especially with
a very young child. Prompt
punishment does not mean hasty
punishment, in anger. Rather, it
means bringing the results of an
act close enough to the event so
that a child, whose memory is
short, will not have forgotten
why he is being punished" (Figure
and Anderson, op. cit., p. 179).
The parent should think more of the
child and of the child's
future than he does of another
uninterrupted meal. He should
quietly and calmly take the
child OUT of the restaurant -- preferably
to a PRIVATE PLACE such as his
automobile, apply the proper
punishment, and return, rather
than deferring the punishment until
later.
"The fundamental in all discipline
is to be SURE you are
right, then go ahead. Go ahead
in a way which leaves no shadow of
doubt whether you or your child
wins. Whatever you do, do something
decisive. Do not tell a child
who coasts down a dangerous and
forbidden driveway that he
cannot use his coaster any more that day
and then let him coax you into
giving it back in five minutes. Do
not spank a child and cuddle his
tears away, murmuring: 'Daddy is
sorry he had to spank you'"
(Hohman, op. cit., pp. 50-51).
Only when punishment is administered
immediately after the
offense, and especially is this
true with a very young child, will
it be truly effective. This is
the only fashion in which the very
young child can be expected to
associate the immediate chastisement
with the wrong action.
The more swiftly the punishment can
follow the act of
disobedience, the more effective
it will be. This is a principle
which should never be forgotten.
It Must Be Consistent
To punish for an infraction one day, and
then to allow the
same infraction without
punishment the next day is totally
confusing to a child.
"The habit of obedience should be
developed by the second
birthday and firmly fixed by the
third. It should become automatic.
By the end of the first year,
the foundation should be laid. This
foundation arises out of a firm,
calm, CONSISTENT treatment of the
child during the first year. The
child will get his first lesson of
obedience in learning
inhibitions. There is something which babies
should not do; mother says 'no'
and sees to it that the baby does
not do the forbidden thing [by
punishing immediately if an
infraction occurs]. The mother
must be sure that the first lessons
are absolutely successful.
She must say 'no' only with good reason,
but when she says it she must
see that the child obeys" (Pyle, op.
cit., pp. 148-149).
I have observed many parents make the
gross mistake of totally
inconsistent punishment and
training. The underlying cause for
inconsistency is that the
parents have lapsed into the habit of
punishing their children only
when the children finally "get on
their nerves" to the effect
that the parent becomes angry, and
"lashes out" at the
child in retributive haste.
Frequently, parents will say, "But
I DO spank him," and then
go on to argue, "But it
doesn't seem to do a bit of good!" Always,
at the root of a statement such
as this, is discipline that is
totally ineffective because it
is not being done consistently.
This is perhaps the most common of all
parental failings in
administering just and loving
discipline. On one day, mother may
spank little Johnnie for having
pulled a knife out of the drawer.
On the following day, she may
totally ignore Johnnie as he plays
with a whole fistful of knives
and forks.
Speak Only Once
Here, too, is one of the greatest errors
of parents today.
"Johnnie! Get back up there on that
chair and finish your
dinner!" says the parent.
But Johnnie ignores the parent, going
about his own pursuits as if he
had not even heard the voice of the
parent. Most parents are taken
in by this "ignoring" which all
children will "try"
with their parents, and so are convinced
Johnnie really
didn't hear the command. The command is
repeated -- and repeated -- and repeated. Finally -- the child may
even be
picked up
and placed on the chair by the
frustrated parent. Or
what is just as likely (in the
practice which I myself have
observed on many occasions)
after five or six fruitless
admonitions, the parent himself
may turn away from this futile
attempt at child training and go
back to his newspaper or other
pursuits, letting the child have
his own way. Parents who say, "Did
you hear me?" are those who
always speak more than once. Parents
who say, "What am I going
to do with you?" are parents who always
speak more than once. Parents
who say, "Am I going to have to give
you a spanking?" are
parents who always speak more than once.
Have YOU been using these phrases? Do
you speak more than once
to your children?
Speak to your child ONCE! Then, if
disobedience follows,
immediately apply the proper
punishment. It is only in this way
that punishment can be truly
effective.
It is truly amazing the degree to which
a child's hearing may
be sharpened by only speaking
once, firmly, and sharply.
You may have heard of the children who
were startled into
humble quietude by the mere
"clearing of the throat" of their
father as a warning. You may
have heard of other children who could
have been silenced with a mere
look. But by far the more average is
the child who can't be quieted
with a thousand admonitions, and who
never listens to his parents.
This is such a common failing of parents
that it deserves
ample discussion. Check up on
yourself. Begin to speak only once.
If you want your child for something,
simply say, "Johnnie,
come here!" If the child
ignores you, wait just a moment or two,
then arise from your chair,
calmly bare the child's bottom and
apply about five or six good
sharp swats. If Johnnie pretends he
"didn't hear you" and
tearfully tells you he didn't realize you
were calling him -- you may be
positively assured that if you explain
the reason why he is being
spanked, he will hear you the next time.
I have seen so many dozens, yes, even
hundreds, of parents
speaking time and time again to
their children without any visual
effect, that it is truly
amazing.
You, as a parent, should begin to speak
to your child only
once. Say, "Eat your
dinner." And then, if, after a few moments,
the child is still toying with
his food, showing disinterest, or
daydreaming -- calmly take him
down from the dinner table, into
another room, lower his pants
and give him a good effective
spanking. Allow him to remain in
his room until the crying has
completely subsided, and until
he is settled down again, and then
firmly place him on his chair
and say, "Eat your dinner!" This
time, you may be fully
persuaded, the chances are far more likely
that he is going to finish his
dinner. However, let's assume he
doesn't. What then? This brings
up the next basic principle.
Always Finish What Is
Started
Never cease. Never quit. Never give up.
Once you have begun
teaching your child the meaning
of the word "no," and to respond to
a single command, don't ever
give up. Let's assume your child does
not learn to eat his dinner
after this one spanking. If he eats
only two or three bites after
the first one, and then begins to toy
with his food again -- repeat
the whole process. Don't speak again
you've already done that --
simply arise from the table, take him
into his room, and administer
another spanking.
Perhaps it may seem unnecessarily harsh
to you -- but you should
continue this process as long as
is made necessary by your child's
rebellion.
There is going to come a time in the
life of every child when
he is going to "try"
his parents almost to the breaking point. He
will rebel. It may be over a
simple thing such as eating his
dinner, picking up his toys,
coming when you call, going to bed
quietly, or any number of
things. My son, on one occasion, simply
refused to blow his nose! My wife
would say, "Blow!" and wait,
holding the handkerchief to his
nose. He had been blowing his nose
by himself for quite some months
-- there was no question but that he
knew how. He rebelled. My wife
spanked him, and then told him,
"Blow!" again. Again,
he refused. My wife spanked him the second
time. Finally, my wife called
me. I took over the situation, and he
still refused to
"blow." It took a number of separate spankings.
However, after the last one --
he BLEW!
Had I let my son win that battle, I may
never have gained
control of him again!
My child was not bruised -- he was not
injured -- and the pain was
all over in just a few moments.
But the lesson he learned is still
with him to this day. My wife
and I then explained to him that he
would never have needed even one
spanking if he had merely blown
his nose as he should have -- in
the beginning. We impressed this
firmly upon his mind, telling
him that spankings are not enjoyable;
they are not "fun" for
anyone concerned, but that because we love
him, we must teach him what is
best for him, in order that he will
grow up to be an obedient,
loving, respectful child, always doing
exactly what his parents tell
him.
I have seen many parents spank their
children once or twice
for an infraction, and then give
up because their children
continued to rebel. This is
disastrous to teaching real discipline.
Use caution, however. NEVER go to an
extreme and beat your
child. Punish wisely, in love.
Punishment, to be truly effective, must
always be just and
graded to the nature and degree
of the offense. Never punish
harshly, or overly much for a
small infraction. Never punish
lightly, or too little for a
major infraction. Use wisdom and
judgment. I never punished very
hard for reaching for a knick-knack
or teacup. I punished very
firmly for running out into the street.
The one offense, if repeated,
might result in a broken teacup; the
other, if repeated, might result
in the loss of the life of the
most precious possession any
parent can be given.
Use Right Psychology
Punishment must be adapted to the
individual child. However,
in explaining this, I may run
the risk of having some parents
retort, "My child never needs
a spanking!" But this would be sheer
ridiculousness. Any and every
child needs spankings. It is a vital,
integral part of his positive
teaching and training. To be left
without punishment is to be left
without a very precious tool for
instilling a deep sense of
respect, discipline, self-control and a
settled, orderly appreciation of
loving authority.
Granted, some children are of totally
different NATURES than
others. Some are "easily
upset" while others seem to be quite
stoical, almost imperturbable.
It may take only one or two sharp
swats for one child to burst
into a veritable flood of tears and
repentance. It may take more for
another child to show equal
remorse. Surely, no one is in a
better position to know and
evaluate this than you -- if you
are wise and loving parents.
A child should always understand the
purpose of the
punishment. Spanking should
always be accompanied by the positive
teaching as to how to do the
right thing, as opposed to the wrong.
Most parents have come to feel
that spanking is entirely
"negative." This is
simply not true. Spanking should be, if
properly utilized, the most
positive method of child rearing there
is. With the proper teaching of
the right action, both before and
after the spanking, a positive
and negative side to the spanking
procedure is given. This will be
lastingly beneficial.
For example, your child is frequently
running in and out of
the house, and leaving the door
open. Simply call him back, inform
him of his mistake and firmly
tell him to always close the door
after him when either coming in
or going out of the house. Assuming
he forgets within a few minutes
and leaves the door ajar again,
call him to you, show him the
open door and administer a just
spanking. Then, take the child
to the door, and have him close it.
Have him then go in and out of
the door five or six times, each
time he does it, opening and
closing it properly. Instill the habit
of obedience.
Positive Instruction
Necessary
Teach him the positive act he should be
expected to do. In
this way, with the positive
teaching immediately following and
accompanying the spanking for an
infraction, a valuable and
long-lasting lesson may be
taught.
Most of the time, your child is going to
disobey
"accidentally." He
will disobey through carelessness,
thoughtlessness, forgetfulness,
or simply through a lack of
understanding what is expected
of him. However -- don't be deceived.
There are occasions when a child
will deliberately disobey -- and
needs to be spanked accordingly.
Let your child know you believe in his
underlying good intent.
Frequently, the young boy or
girl will say, quite tearfully, "I
didn't mean to!" You should
answer, "Of course you didn't mean to!"
Explain to the child how you
understand that he did it merely
through carelessness or
forgetfulness. But say, "Had I thought you
would have done such a deed on
purpose I would have punished you
much more severely. I know and
understand that you wouldn't have
done this deliberately
-- trying to be disobedient -- but because I
love you, I must impress upon
you that you should never do this
through forgetfulness or
carelessness again."
Then, when the tears have subsided after
a spanking, love your
children -- take them up and
show them some affection! Never allow
the child to run from the one
parent who has done the punishing to
the other for the loving and the
affection -- but always make sure
the child is loved, first of all
by the parent who has done the
punishing.
Yes, punishment when used properly and
in love, is a truly
marvelous method of positive
child teaching and training.
There are many methods of proper
punishment -- not all of them
involving physical or corporal
punishment.
Natural Consequences Sometimes
Punish
Sometimes,
natural consequences of a child's action may serve.
However, this should only be
done when the natural consequences of
the act are not too severe, and
no real injury or lasting harm is
involved. Obviously, a parent
should not wait until a very young
child is severely shocked in
order to teach him not to pull out or
play with electric cords.
However, a child will oftentimes learn
unassisted by the parents,
through natural consequences of his
acts, how to get along in his
surroundings. For example, he may, by
bumping his head when raising up
under the piano bench or the
table, learn to crawl out from
under any such obstacle before
pulling up or standing. He will
learn after one or two minor
brushes with a hot radiator to
avoid it.
The parent may warn a child crawling
toward a hot (but not too
hot!) radiator --
"no!" The child may disobey this command, and reach
out to touch it anyhow.
Obviously, if it is going to result in a
severe burn, the parent should
snatch up the child before the child
is allowed to touch the radiator
and apply corporal punishment in
a right and loving manner.
However, if it is merely going to result
in a momentary pain, the natural
consequence may, in all
likelihood, serve to illustrate
to the child that immediate
retribution and pain will follow
the disobedience of the "no!"
command.
Isolation
Isolation may be used as a proper method
of punishment if the
circumstances warrant it.
Especially would this be beneficial if
the child is being uncooperative
in playing with other children.
The simple "no!"
command for a very young child, or a longer
admonition, in the event the
child is older, should always precede
any form of punishment. If the
child is taking toys away from
others, or not playing in a
cooperative manner, he may be secluded
in his own room, or removed and
taken to a safe place (never a
darkened closet, cupboard, or
small, confined place), preferably
his own room. He may be made to
remain there for a SHORT period of
time.
Deprivation
Deprivation of some special toy, some
particular pleasure,
dessert after a meal, a trip to
the store, or any number of things
will serve as a lasting
admonition for SOME offenses.
For example, a child who is old enough
to talk and can
understand such admonitions
might be warned: "If you don't eat all
your spinach, you shall not have
any dessert with the rest of us."
If the child persists in his
rebellion, and does not finish his
spinach -- the parent should be
firm, and deprive the child of
dessert.
Voiced disapproval may be utilized in
some instances. However,
mere "nagging" at the
child, constant recriminations and rebukes,
or parental disgust shown over
and over again will do nothing more
than frighten, dishearten and
induce sulkiness in a child.
Never Use Short Cuts
None of the aforementioned methods
should ever, under any
circumstances, supplant corporal
punishment. There are thousands of
parents who will assure others
that they can "reason with" their
children, and therefore have
never needed to spank them. There are
many thousands of others who
assure all who will listen that their
children can merely be
"shamed" as a result of any wrong deed, and
have never "needed" a
spanking.
These are simple excuses and attempted
"short cuts" by parents
who don't grasp the central
importance of corporal punishment.
Train Your Children
Together
It is a heinous crime for one parent to
nullify the
instructions of the other -- or
to "take up for a child" because it
is felt that the other parent is
dealing too harshly with him.
If the mother feels the father is being
too harsh and begins
to loudly say so -- in front of
the child or teen-ager -- it will
result in a sense of inner
conflict within the child, and begin to
set the stage for the child's
future HABITS of using one parent
against the other to get his own
way.
If the father does ALL the punishing --
this will be an
automatic risk. Therefore, the
parents should cooperate fully in
the positive teaching and
training of the child, and also in the
disciplining. The father should
certainly take the lead -- doing the
heavy share of the disciplining.
However, in many homes, where the
father is at work during most of
the daylight hours, and the mother
is with the children of
pre-school age during the day, it is the
mother who will have to do the
bulk of the punishing during those
hours.
A father who does discipline in a loving
and proper manner,
and a mother who is against
discipline and never uses it, is a
disastrous combination for child
rearing.
Never Be at Cross Purposes
If parents are at cross purposes with
one another in teaching
and training their children --
it would be far better if no children
had ever been born into such a
family. The children would have less
chance than the proverbial
"hoot in a whirlwind" for growing up to
be obedient, respectful, morally
and emotionally stable.
In all the examples of teaching and
discipline already given
in this book, each parent should
follow the exact same procedures,
together. Oftentimes,
both parents can share in the same period of
instruction. For example: If the
father gives Johnny a command to
pick up his toys, the mother
could follow the command immediately
with saying, "Johnny, as
soon as you finish obeying your father in
picking up your toys, come here
to the kitchen -- I have something
for you to do." In this
way, the mother acknowledges the father's
priority, driving home the
lesson that the father's command should
be FIRST obeyed -- and then
enforces upon the mind of the child that
she too is to be obeyed with
equal dispatch.
Never Take Sides
Let's assume the father really
is disciplining just a little
too hard.
What should the wife do? Should she
reprimand her husband,
attempt to intervene in his
handling of the problem?
The answer should be obvious! There is
NEVER a time for the
mother to openly disagree with,
disapprove of, or show contempt for
the teaching or discipline of
the father.
What, then, is she to do? Suppose she's
right -- suppose her
husband really
is disciplining a little harder than he should?
Then the mother should wait until later
-- wait until she is
alone with her husband -- and
discuss the matter.
The child will not suffer any injury if
the discipline is not
really overly severe. He would suffer far worse injury to his
permanent character if he saw
his mother shrilly accusing his
father, and taking sides. It
would be one of the most damaging
things she could do to her
child.
Never take sides with your children
against your mate.
Never try to countermand an order given
by the other
parent -- whether that order is
right or wrong!
If mother tells daughter she can't have
a new dress, and
father countermands mother's
decision -- father is guilty of taking
sides. He has hurt his daughter,
his wife, and himself, more than
he begins to realize.
The simple answer, to avoid taking
sides, is to talk things
over. Know how you intend dealing
with your children under specific
situations. Know each other
better. Cooperate with one another in
rearing your children.
Chapter Six
SHOULD CHILDREN BE SEEN AND NOT
HEARD?
TODAY, Americans laugh at the antics of
children of the
"Dennis the Menace"
type. It seems we believe that boisterousness,
interference by little boys and
girls in the activities of adults,
presumptuousness and rudeness
are funny.
The "Smart
Alec" Child
Have you noticed the "Smart
Alec" child? Have you noticed how
many children will boldly
interrupt their elders' conversations,
demand loudly to know,
"Where are you going?" or "What are you
doing?" or say, "Hey!
You!" to the postman?
How many children have you seen who
"talk big" and "act big"
and receive praise and glowing
flattery because of it?
Many seem to delight in a little child
acting "grown up." It
is "cute" we seem to
think, for a little child to use big words,
talk up boldly to his elders,
and become the center of attention in
every group. But in reality,
it teaches children to feel as equals
toward their elders -- to
disrespect the conversations of those who
are their superiors -- to be
rude, brusque, and presumptuous.
Let's use our minds! Is it really
"cute" for a little toddler
to walk boldly up to an adult
chewing food, and demand loudly to
know, "What are you
eating?" Is it really "cute" for a tiny boy or
girl to walk boldly into the
midst of a group of adults conversing
together, and interrupt their
conversation -- becoming the center of
attention with some quip or
"cute saying"? Do postmen, milkmen,
workmen and visitors really
think it is "sweet" to have your little
children demand their attention
in a loud and noisome voice?
Of course not! It is embarrassing,
frustrating and bothersome.
No milkman wants to loudly tell
your child to SHUT UP. But he is
probably thinking it. None of
the guests in the restaurant in the
scene already described had the
courage to speak up and tell the
little child to shut up and sit
down. But dozens of them were
grumbling under their breath
about it. No guest in your home will
answer to your child's demand to
know what they are eating that it
is "none of your
business!" But they will probably wish they could.
Do you begin to see? It is not
"cute" or "sweet" to permit
children to mimic the abominable
practices our depraved society
seems to laugh at in the comics
and TV today -- it is the exact
opposite. Check these tendencies
in your children.
Teach your children to show respect to
any and all elders.
Show them how others, whether
workmen, delivery men or guests are
superior to them -- that they
are older, mature, responsible. Explain
to your children that they are
just little children.
Treat Your Children Like
Children
What is a child's status?
That of a child!
Can we learn this simple truth? I have
heard parents say they
would never talk any of this
syrupy "baby-talk" to their children.
Their children were going to
sound like grown-ups. What a pity! Is
it a crime for a child to BE a
child, to act like a child, and to
be treated like a child? Is it
more proper to solemnly shake your
little toddler's hand, while
sternly telling him you are "pleased
with his performance" or to
catch him up in your arms, kissing him
all over his face and neck, and
roll around on the floor with him
in playful fun?
Pity the child made to act
"older" by naive parents who think
it a shame for a baby to be a
baby, a child to be a child.
Let your children be children! Teach
them their status. It
will not give them an
inferiority complex.
For an example, let's think of a child
riding with his parents
in a car. He has a healthy
curiosity, of course; and this should be
encouraged in the right way --
but channeled and guided,
nevertheless. Suppose he should realize
you are looking for a
parking place. What if he sees a
place across the street, and,
leaning over the back of the
front seat, loudly says, "Daddy! Turn
in here."
Here is an opportunity to teach your
children a vital lesson.
It is not necessary to
completely squelch all initiative, or to
take all spontaneity and
enthusiasm from children, but it is
necessary to teach them the
proper relationship to their elders and
their parents.
Here is an opportunity to teach such
balanced relationship.
Teach your child he or she is a
passenger. Explain why you can't
park in the place across the
street, and then tell the child that
when he is riding in the car he
does not assist in the guiding,
driving and manipulation of that
car. Tell him that Daddy is doing
the driving. Explain it. It will
be really GOOD for your children
to realize
you are in control. Explain to your children they should
be observant passengers -- but
passengers, nevertheless. As silent
observers, they can appraise the
driving, they can watch their
father's actions at the wheel --
but they should never be permitted
to presumptuously try to control
those actions.
Make your children realize
their status. Make them realize
there are many things they can
learn from their elders. Make them
respect those in authority over
them. Treat them like children -- not
equals!
What About Clothes and
Mannerisms?
I'm sure you have seen little girls
clopping along the street,
wearing their mother's
high-heeled shoes, or a big hat, and
carrying a big purse, haven't
you? Surely you've seen little
children try to mimic their
parents' habits, or their dress, and
their mannerisms.
Perhaps this is harmless enough -- and
certainly not necessarily
that which would warrant a
spanking (unless, of course, the child
has been forbidden to take such
articles, or has on her mother's
best things, and is being
totally presumptuous and careless with
them!) -- but it does illustrate
a potential danger nevertheless.
Today, the trend seems to be to hurry the
"growing up" process
in children. We want to hurry
them into school, hurry them into
adult clothing styles. In turn,
we see mere youths wanting to hurry
into marriage -- worried about a
tottering civilization closing in on
them, stripping from them the
years of happiness they had
envisioned as growing youths.
This is a trend! Clothiers and designers
have helped it along
by providing tiny replicas of
adult-style clothing for little
children. You've heard it a
hundred times. The grandparents, or the
relatives, or the guests in the
home would say, "Why, he's a real
little MAN!" as they
exclaim in pleased tones about the complete
little suit the toddler is
wearing, replete with necktie, tie pin,
and all the requirements of
adult dress. Or, "What a BIG boy you
are now!" they bemusedly
exclaim to Johnnie as he strolls by in his
adult-appearing clothing. Or,
"What a regular little LADY," they
say of the little girl, wearing
clothes styled just like mother's.
A Child Is Simply a Child
But no -- they are not big men and
ladies -- they are little
children. It is right to
compliment a child within reason
(remembering not to flatter, or
give a child a sense of vanity
about his appearance) but NOT to
imply he is older than he is, more
mature than he is, or that he is
anything other than just what he
is -- a child.
There is nothing embarrassing about
being a child. There is
nothing wrong with being a
child. There is nothing shameful about
being a child. Let your little
children BE little children. Don't
hasten them into adulthood too
soon.
But don't go to the opposite extreme,
and try to treat
growing, strapping big boys and
girls of early teens like little
children. Treat them just like
they are -- as growing boys and girls
in their teens, whose bodies are
maturing, and whose minds still
need a great deal of guidance
and control.
No one needs to encourage a child to
talk baby talk. But you
certainly should not, in the
beginning of his speech training, go
to the opposite extreme,
teaching him to talk like the head of the
Supreme Court. Do not try to
mold and shape your children merely
for the sake of the vanity of
the parents.
Now let's notice a few more examples of
how to teach your
children some of the vitally
necessary habits they should learn to
really be in their correct status as children.
I remember one occasion when my son,
Mark, who had behaved
inconsiderately in the presence
of guests, was taken to his room
and placed in a chair. I placed
him firmly in the chair, knelt down
and told him, "Mark! You
are to sit in this chair and not move
until I speak to you -- is that
clear?" "Yes, sir!" he answered. I
retired to the living room, and
we continued our visiting. However,
I forgot all about Mark, until
over TWO HOURS LATER! I was deeply
ashamed of having forgotten him,
and, suddenly remembering I had
not yet given him permission to
move from the chair, rose hurriedly
and went into his room. There he
was, curled up in the easy chair,
sound asleep. He had stayed in
that chair-had gone to
sleep -- because he had not yet
heard permission from me that he
could arise.
One major pitfall with this particular
habit which needs to be
taught young children is this:
Many parents attempt to enforce such
a habit only when friends are
visiting, or when in a public place.
Parents try to get a child to
sit still in church, for instance,
who was never made to sit still
for any period of time during the
other six days of the week. One
problem many parents seem to face
is that of having children who
increasingly "act up" and put on
their "very worst"
only when guests are present, or when they are
in a public place.
Notice what really
lies behind such actions of a disobedient
child.
"Where did the child get the idea
he could do anything he
pleased when discipline was hard
to enforce? Search into the past
and you will see. Extensive
observation has shown me that parents
who invariably cannot control
their children on special occasions
never really
control them at any time" (Hohman, op. cit., p. 38).
Any parent who is making a constant
display of spanking his
children in public, in a
restaurant, or in church, while attempting
to get the child to be quiet and
sit still, is merely advertising
that the child has never been
taught to do these things at home.
Teach your child to sit still at
various times during the day for
periods of five to ten minutes,
or even longer. On occasion, have
your child sit still, allowing
him to look at a picture book, or
color, or some similar pursuit,
for as long as an hour or longer.
In this way, you can begin to
instill a vitally important habit in
your child at a very early age.
Teach Your Child to Be
Quiet
There are all sorts of the
"grandparent" type of excuses for
a child's not obeying his parents
in sitting still. Young parents
are told their children just
"can't" be made to sit still for long
periods of time -- that their
little bodies are filled with energy,
that they must fidget, squirm,
change positions, jump and run
almost constantly.
Don't believe it. Children can and
should be trained how to
sit still in certain
circumstances. Begin to teach them at home.
No child should be taught to be quiet
all the time. Any child
should have an opportunity to
yell, to make various childlike
noises, to laugh and to play
boisterously with other children.
However, unless you have taken
the pains to teach your child to sit
still and be quiet in the house
on occasions before important
guests come, or before you go to
a restaurant to eat, or before you
take the child to church -- how
can you expect him to learn the first
time in such circumstances?
Such teaching takes concentration and real
attention to duty
on the part of the parent. The
parent cannot give the child a
command, and then dismiss the
child and the circumstances from his
managing on about his own
pursuits. On many occasions, I have seen
similar circumstances develop
where parents will give the child a
command to sit still and be
quiet. However, because guests are
present or the parent is
watching an interesting TV show, or has
his mind on other things, he
soon forgets what he told his child to
do -- and the child, willing to
"try out" his parents to the absolute
limit of their endurance -- has
long since gotten down from his chair
and is now just as noisy, if not
noisier, than he was before.
Teaching children should not merely be
"keeping them out of
your hair," "getting
them out of your way," or "keeping them
occupied." Too many parents
today seem to regard their children as
little "house-apes" or
a "ball and chain."
In order to teach your child any of
these constructive habits,
you will need to apply constant
diligence and never-failing
attention to duty. You simply
cannot expect to have decent results
if you just give your child
instructions, and then forget all about
the lesson -- letting the child
get down from the chair when he
decides, put up his toys when he
gets around to it, or begin to
talk when you have told him to
be quiet.
Don't Be a Liar to Your
Child
If you tell your child you are going to
spank, deprive him of
privileges, or punish him in
some other way for infraction of the
rules -- carry out your promise!
How can your child ever learn to trust
anything you say -- if
you do not even carry out such
simple promises?
Surely, if you have promised your child
a trip to the zoo, a
picnic or an outing, or some
type of a reward, the child is going
to fully expect you to be true
to your word. In like fashion if you
have promised your child a
spanking or other due punishment as the
result of an infraction, always
be faithful to your word -- and carry
it out.
For example: Father puts little Johnnie
in a chair when guests
are present and says,
"Johnnie -- sit still, and do not speak again
or I will spank you!" After
a few moments of conversation, the
parent happens to notice that
Johnnie is busy talking or making
other noises. He looks at
Johnnie warningly, with a ferocious
scowl. Johnny notices the look,
and his talking or noise making
subsides to a surprised whisper
-- and gradually diminishes
altogether. The parent goes on
talking with the guests, feeling the
situation has been met, and that
Johnnie has been silenced again.
However, he is going to notice
more and more frequent infractions
-- until, finally, he will have no control
whatever over
Johnnie -- unless he is true to
his word and always spanks when he
has promised such a spanking.
There are thousands of parents today who
kid themselves they
are doing a perfectly wonderful
job of child rearing. And yet, they
almost never spank their
children after only ONE infraction -- they
almost never follow up their
instructions, carry out what they say,
or teach their children positive
habits of obedience. To be sure,
they DO spank their children.
They do give their children plenty of
orders and commands. But their
inconsistencies, their broken
promises, their simple neglect
of their children is leading toward
disaster.
In order to teach your child these basic
right habits, you
must do it unfailingly,
persistently, diligently, consistently -- or
all your efforts will be of no
effect.
Should children actually be seen, and
not heard? The
surprising and perhaps
"old-fashioned" answer is yes. They should
be seen and not heard unless
their elders speak to them first. They
should be taught to be quiet,
reserved, and respectful around their
elders. They should be taught to
sit quietly and obediently in a
restaurant, on a bus, on an
airplane, or whenever told to do so.
Chapter Seven
YOUR CHILDREN AT PLAY
"BANG! BANG!" yells a little toddler,
fully equipped with
Stetson hat, cowboy boots and
chaps -- waving two six-guns in the
general direction of a playmate.
"Bang! Bang!" shouts his playful
opponent, bedecked with
glittering two-gun holsters and badge.
Adults chuckle to themselves, as they
see their little
children imitating their
favorite TV heroes -- they don't see any
harm in it -- the boys are
"just playing."
But what about children's play? What
kind of games should
children play? What kind of toys
should they use? Where should they
play, and with whom? Can play
possibly be harmful? Can it be used
as a teaching method?
Few parents give adequate thought to the
kinds of toys their
children have and the effect of
toys on future physical, mental and
character development.
"I Didn't Mean
It!"
How many times
have you read or heard of tragic accidents
involving firearms?
How many of those times
were those accidents involving
children?
Perhaps you have heard of a great many
-- because they occur
almost daily. Little toddlers,
barely able to walk, are often
equipped by naive parents with
various types of potentially harmful
toys -- including guns -- and
are busily pretending to kill one
another.
In hundreds of cases, little children
have been allowed freely
to play with "toys"
which are, in some cases, difficult to
distinguish from the real
thing. As a result, when playing with a
real gun, they have shot their own brothers, sisters,
playmates, or
even their own parents.
Today there are thousands of different
varieties of modern,
gleaming, beautifully designed
and fantastic electronic gadgets and
toys available for children.
But perhaps no toy will excite the
imagination of little
toddlers (especially boys!) as a
gun.
Today's toy stores display dozens of
models and varieties, all
the way from a tiny replica of a
cowboy's six shooter right up to
a deadly looking submachine gun
that "shoots real bullets."
Complete with some of these sets
will come even electronic gadgets
such as real-life
targets in the shape of a man, which will fall
over when struck, and then
spring back up to be shot at again.
And what a pity! What a pity it is that
naive and gullible
parents seemingly take for
granted or carelessly assume whatever is
manufactured and produced, and
therefore offered for sale designed
"for children," must
be all right for their children to use.
Why the furor over guns? Simply because
guns are not for
children! One especially
sickening example was that of a nine- or
ten-year-old boy who had been
allowed to play with toy guns freely,
and who was playing in the
upstairs bedroom of his parents' home
while guests were visiting in
the living room downstairs. The
grandchild of one of the guests,
a sweet, pretty little
five-year-old girl, and a cousin
of the boy upstairs, started to go
upstairs to find out what her
cousin was doing. However, the boy
upstairs had found several
rifles in a closet, which were war
trophies his father had brought
home from overseas.
As the little girl's head appeared at
the top of the landing,
the guests downstairs were
startled out of their chairs by a loud
roar, a series of sickening
thumps, and were shocked to complete
unbelief and incomprehension at
the sight of what had once been a
sweet, living, five year-old
girl lying in a sickening huddle at
the bottom of the stairs. She
had been shot through the head.
"I didn't mean it!" sobbed the
boy -- "I was only playing!"
Who really
was the culprit in this case? The misguided boy who
had been allowed to freely shoot
at his playmates with toy guns all
his life? The boy who didn't
know a real gun from a toy anyhow had
never been taught about guns --
and who had been allowed free access
to his father's guns? Or the
parents, who in the first place had
never taught their child a
healthy respect and fear for guns -- their
proper usage and proper place --
and had never taught their child he
should never point any kind of
gun at anyone under any
circumstances at any time -- the
parents who had left loaded guns in
the closet?
What about it?
Is it really
right, by any stretch of the imagination, for a
child to play with toy guns at
any time?
Today the gun ranks as the biggest
seller of the toy line!
Matched six-guns of the Cowboy
and Indian era are often slung low
on the hips of a four-year-old
outfitted in a space helmet holding
a death-ray gun leveled at your
midsection. Most popular was the
fad of secret-agent weapons of
the 007 ilk. Transistor radios,
fountain pens, attache cases
suddenly transformed into fantastic
death dealers at the touch of a
kiddie's finger.
Guns are for killing. If you don't
intend to kill -- don't use
a gun -- the real
thing or an imitation!
Children Like to Imitate
A great deal of space has already been
consumed regarding the
habits of children in mimicking
things they see and hear.
A great deal of time has also been spent
discussing the
tremendous pressures of a
berserk modern society plunging toward
its own oblivion. However, a
good deal more needs to be said about
the pressures of society from
the comics, books, movies, and
especially the television.
Need it be repeated again that the
"children's hours" on
television are truly some of the
most monstrously frightening,
hideously sadistic, ghastly
shows to be found at any hour?
As mentioned, surveys have been made to
determine the number
of shootings, knifings,
strangulations, occurrences of rape, armed
assaults, muggings, beatings, and
other sadistic forms of torture,
such as burning humans alive,
grinding them to bits in machinery,
or driving over them with
speeding cars and trucks that appear
during the "children's
hours." The results were shocking.
Even the cartoons -- supposedly
"harmless" short little skits
that are apparently hilariously
funny to children -- are not exempt
from terribly damaging forms of
violence.
In a cartoon, one character can be
chasing another, shooting
anything from a huge cannon to a
small gun, and if the other
character does not outrun the
bullets, he apparently never suffers
any ill effects. An explosion?
Perhaps the cat is standing bereft
of his fur, looking like a
charred match stick with a hideous
expression on his face in one
hilariously funny scene, but in the
very next scene he is completely
equipped with fur and a grin on
his face again as he chases the
mouse. He has apparently suffered
no harm from being blown up.
From this, little children
"learn" that there is no real
harm
in shooting a person, knifing a
person, or even blowing him to bits
in an explosion.
A little toddler, allowed to handle a
gun in a store, turned
and shot his mother in the
stomach. A look of incredibility crossed
his face when he saw the slowly
spreading pool of blood, and the
writhing body of his mother on
the floor! He simply couldn't
comprehend it. Hadn't
"other people" in the TV shows and movies
he'd always seen, gotten up and
run about just as actively as
before?
What about it? Do your children play
with guns? Do you allow
your children to vicariously
kill one another and do it all "in
fun"?
If you do -- it's time to take stock.
It's time to think really
seriously, and to think about
the play habits of your children.
Aimless Playing
Let us analyze just what a child does
when he plays with a
gun. In general he pretends to
shoot and kill human beings. He uses
his vivid imagination. But not
in the right way!
His imagination is used to
"kill" vicariously. It is not used
to create, plan, or build. It is
not used to organize. And he is
not learning anything
constructive.
He is just aimlessly wasting hours --
playing. His play has no
meaning. It is not constructive.
And in the cases where he is
pretending to kill -- it is
extremely destructive.
How can parents avoid these evils? How
can they use wisdom in
purchasing toys which will
create a constructive rather than
destructive influence on their
children?
The Purpose of Toys
Toys are a child's tools for learning.
They can help him
develop his mind and character.
They can also help him develop his
body and personality.
The development of your child's body,
mind, personality and
character should be foremost in
your thoughts when choosing a toy
for your child.
Look at this spectacle.
A parent walks into a department store.
His child is with him
as they walk through the toy
department. Suddenly the child begins
tugging on his parent's arm. He
pulls his parent over to a counter
and points with great joy at a
certain toy on the shelf. His parent
starts away. But immediately the
child cries and screams for the
object of his affection. In a
minute or two the parent acquiesces.
He buys the toy for his child.
Why?
Simply because his child wanted it.
There was no thought or
purpose to this purchase. It was
merely to satisfy his child's
desires. The parent wanted to
stop his child from crying and give
him a toy that would amuse him
for a few hours -- or at most a few
days.
After the newness is worn off in the
first two or three hours,
many toys are either broken or
discarded. The child has very little
to do with that toy afterward.
Many people can take you into a room
and point to hundreds of dollars
worth of purchases in toys.
The manufacture of toys is a gigantic
business today. With department
store shelves
literally bulging with all kinds
of toys, it is calculated that manufacturers'
sales of
toys are well over ONE
BILLION DOLLARS!
The amount of raw materials used in the
manufacturing of toys
is astounding. In a recent year,
toy manufacturers spent more than
100 million dollars for steel,
86 million dollars for plastics, 77
million dollars for packaging
and more than 10 million dollars each
for rubber, fabrics, and wood.
The toy industry is big business.
Many people who cannot afford too many
of the luxuries in life
seem to be able to spend money
on senseless toys. Actually, it
amounts to throwing money away.
Their child does not appreciate the
toy. He does not derive any
definite benefit from it. And very soon
afterward he is tired and sick
of it.
But how many people really
give thought to the toy they buy?
How many have a purpose in mind
when they buy toys for their
children?
How to Choose Toys
Knowing that toys are instrumental in
the development of
children, many toy manufacturers
have come out with "educational"
toys. And in this category one
may find nearly any type of toy.
It would be good to use caution in the
choice of even
so-called educational toys. Many
of these toys are designed to
appeal to adults. And when
purchased for children they become very
disappointing. Too many times
toys are purchased in the educational
line too far above a child's
level. Parents will purchase the toys,
give them to their children, sit
back, watch them become
"educated." But, to
their surprise, this particular toy only
frustrates their children.
All parents should beware of buying the
toy THEY want rather
than the toy that suits their
child.
In order to show their affection parents
tend to overdo the
purchasing of toys. In the
United States especially children tend
to have far more toys than they
need. This is not good.
Many child psychologists agree that too
many toys are worse
than not enough. The child with
too many toys actually becomes
confused and bored. He very
seldom plays with any of them. Thus
parents should concentrate on a
purposeful and useful toy. It is
better to purchase a few toys
that are used than dozens of toys in
many toy boxes that are never
touched.
Toys should be purchased with the
development of your child's
body, mind, personality and
character as a goal. They should also
be chosen with a concern for
safety.
Some suggestions of the National
Commission on Product Safety
are:
Test doll heads. Twist and turn the
head, as well as the arms
and legs, as a child might. Look
for sharp edges.
Make sure the eyes and ears of toy
animals are firm.
If a toy comes only in a package, ask
the retailer for a
sample you can examine.
Be wary of electrical toys.
Get assurance that paint on toys is
nonpoisonous.
And finally -- above all -- use common
sense!
Developing the Body
There are many toys that will provide
hours of fun and
entertainment for your child --
and at the same time will give him
plenty of exercise for
developing his body. Some parents feel toys
of this type are not worth
anything. They want only toys to develop
the mind. But in order to have a
well-balanced child -- he must have
a well-balanced curriculum. And
this must take place at home.
Here are a few examples of toys that
would aid in the
development of your child's body
and coordination. A ball can be
one of the most effective toys
along this line. Balls come in all
sizes and colors. They are
relatively inexpensive. And yet they
give a child hours of enjoyment
and fun. They are also a means by
which the parent himself can
participate in his child's activities.
Balls develop coordination, timing --
agility in bodily
movements. They also give the
child a chance to use his imagination
in inventing several types of
games. Most school sports are played
with balls. This will help your
child to become better adjusted in
games at school.
Tricycles and bicycles are excellent
toys in the development
of the child's body. They
provide fine exercise for children. They
give many hours of entertainment
and fun as well.
Other toys can be mentioned along this
line such as swing
sets, badminton games, and
various types of sport games.
Developing the Mind
There are many toys which can aid school
children and
preschool children in the
development of mind and education. At the
same time these toys and games
provide hours of fun. They are also
conducive to a close family
relationship. Parents can participate
in these games with their
children. It helps the children to become
more closely associated in the
family. It also helps them in the
development of their personality
by being with their parents.
For preschool children, sets of plastic
numbers and letters
are available. A small child can
learn to play with them and to
identify the various shapes.
Parents are surprised how quickly a
small child learns the alphabet.
Your child can learn to recognize
almost every letter in the
alphabet before going to school. And he
will not have been forced to
learn it. He will have done it as a
matter of course -- in his
playing.
Word games can be very helpful in
developing vocabulary and in
improving spelling. Parents and
children alike can participate in
these games. These, of course,
are for school-age children.
In this same category of developing the
mind, there are many
fine books on the market that
will entertain and teach your
children. But again, it is
necessary for the parent to choose
material that is suited for his
child's age limit and ability!
Animal books are excellent for one- and
two-year-old children.
There are other books which
supplement your child's learning in
school such as the "Child
Craft" series of educational books. And for
children in school, "The
World Book Encyclopedia" is certainly a
fine home addition to supplement
your children's learning if you
can afford it.
Developing Personality
Participation games are excellent for
developing personality.
Many games can be thought up in
which children have to participate.
There are games in which they
have to express themselves verbally.
These are excellent in helping
them in group playing. Some of these
games can be thought up rather
than purchased.
Along the line of personality
development is the development
of creative skills. In
expressing their personality through
creative thought, many children
enjoy tinker toys or erector sets.
In helping round out a child's
personality, music is one of
the best forms of entertainment.
Children can learn to sing many
fine songs. They can develop a
rhythm and genuine feeling for
music. There are children's
records which help the children in
songs and rhythms for their own
age.
Starting a child on a musical instrument
can help develop a
rounded personality. Children do
not have to be effeminate in order
to learn music. They should not
be pushed to extremes along this
line, but they can be encouraged
to learn to play some form of
musical instrument. This will
not only add to their personality
development but will also help
in discipline and the development of
creative skills. It will help in
their appreciation of finer things
too. It will give them a sense
and a feeling for beauty.
Developing Character and
Responsibility
Toys are a child's responsibility. In
having them he must
learn to take care of them.
Parents would do well to emphasize this
to their children.
Have you ever walked into a home that
was littered with toys
from one end of the house to the
other? This is not only unsightly
but indicates a breakdown of
character in a child. It shows a lack
of discipline from the parents.
Children should be taught to take care
of and put away their
toys!
Toys with many parts and pieces can
teach a child
responsibility. Blocks, farm
sets, tinker toys, etc., have many
parts. After a child is finished
playing, he usually is sitting in
the midst of parts and pieces
everywhere. It is HIS
RESPONSIBILITY -- and this
should be emphasized by his parents -- to
put away these toys. He must
pick up the pieces -- gather up his
toys.
This teaches a child responsibility. And
as he learns
responsibility and continues to
fulfill it, he develops character!
Many a grown man now wishes he had the
training of discipline
and character development. Many
upon growing up have had to learn
to discipline themselves. They
have had to learn in later life what
they should have learned as a
child. Their parents never enforced
rules upon them. They were never
taught to take care of their own
toys and possessions.
Teach your child these things NOW!
"All work and no play makes Jack a
dull boy." We have all
heard this expression. Its basic
principle is true.
Many parents see that their children
need more discipline and
responsibility. They then feel
that children should not be allowed
to play at all. Some even have
gone to the extreme of feeling that
play was wrong or sinful. But it
is not.
Remember to treat your children as
children!
The Extra Ingredient
There is an extra ingredient that makes
any type of
entertainment more enjoyable.
Without this ingredient, toys, games,
good times
cannot be enjoyed to the full!
What is it? Work!
At a very early age, children may be
taught to put up their
own toys, fold and hang up
clothing, help make their beds, clean up
after themselves in the
bathroom, or do other simple tasks about
the house or yard.
Without this responsibility, children
will never be able to
appreciate the good times
of entertainment and fun. Take our
society for an example. There is
more vandalism now than ever
before. Yet -- paradoxically --
we have more bowling alleys, skating
rinks, movie houses, miniature
golf courses, etc., than ever before
in the history of this nation.
Why then the vandalism?
Simply because children get bored with
playing. Without
responsibility and work, play
becomes frustrating to children -- or
anyone for that matter.
The person who can truly enjoy a good
time better than all
others is a person who has
worked hard and has fulfilled his
responsibilities. By making your
child fulfill certain
responsibilities you will
actually help him enjoy his playtime
more. This extra ingredient is
needed in his play and in his life.
Boy Versus Girl
"What are little boys made
of?" went the old poem. Children
are deeply impressed with the
idea, practically from birth, that
little boys are
"devils," "monsters," and inherently evil -- while
little girls are
"nice," "sweet," and inherently little angels.
Little boys are told they are made of
dirt, snails, and even
puppy dogs' tails, while little
girls are made of "sugar, spice and
everything that's nice."
The naive boy, growing up to mature
adulthood, marries, and
finally tells his son,
"There's no use, son -- you'll never
understand 'em." He means
the boy must swallow the same old line
that has been handed down for
generations and centuries that there
is something
"mysterious" and incomprehensible about women.
Don't you believe it!
Boys and girls in their basic selfish
natures are identical.
Perhaps they will express this
selfishness in different ways. But
to say girls are
"nice" and "mysterious" while boys are "bad" is
ridiculous. And to force little
boys and girls -- not yet
teen-agers -- into social dating,
dancing and the like is criminal
and nonsensical.
Surprising as it may sound -- much of
the play of children, and
the toys that are provided for
them, is bent toward accomplishing
the evil purpose of waging the
age old "battle of the sexes" even
from the cradle.
At a very early age, children begin to
be segregated by their
parents, or their teachers.
Girls are told they "do not play
'that way' or 'so rough' as
do the boys" and boys are
told "that's a GIRL'S game!" Normal
children who would play happily
together in active sports and games
are instead instilled with a
deep sense of the difference between
the sexes at a very early age.
Thus -- boys play with guns. Girls play
with dolls. Whenever
boys and girls play together it
is either in the earliest years of
their schooling (later, gym
periods are segregated) or, when still
of pre-school age, they play
such games as "Mom and Dad," "Nurse"
or "Keeping House."
These imaginative games of child fantasy seem
harmless to most parents at
first glance -- and yet, little do they
even begin to realize
how children, forced into an unnatural type
of play activity by poor
guidance, will begin to "imitate"
parents -- even beginning sex
experimentation as a direct result of
this type play.
Should Children Pretend?
Children should not be permitted to
"play house," or "doctor
and nurse," or any other
type game where they are building little
makeshift houses, tents, or
using garages, barns, or other
enclosures. They should not be
permitted to "pretend" they are
adults -- playing games in an
adult like fashion, in an intimate
enclosure, where parents cannot
check up on them from time to time.
Let's really
understand this principle.
Is it right for children to pretend?
"But they will just
'naturally' pretend ..."
some will reason.
Yes -- they certainly will just
"naturally" pretend to be a
personality, a character, an
individual they are not. And why?
Simply because they have never
been taught not to pretend.
Never forget PRETENSE is a wrong
principle! It is hypocrisy,
untruth, falsehood, a sham and a
mockery. It is not truth -- but
pretense. Many parents,
victimized by the tremendous pressures of
this berserk society, whose
minds are thoroughly calloused with
childhood myths, fairy tales,
enlarged and falsified "nighttime
'stories'" from their
parents -- would justify their children living
in utter day-dreaming pretense.
These tales themselves are sometimes
the most hideously
gruesome of any stories
imaginable.
Remember, however, there is a difference
between a child's
"pretending" the
airplane he is playing with is a real
airplane,
holding it in his hand, making
noises like an airplane -- and
pretending to be a different
personality than he really is.
There is a difference between a little
girl's pretending her
doll house is her own home, that
her little toys are real -- and the
little girl herself being a
totally different personality.
There are many dangers inherent in
allowing children to
pretend, without careful
parental knowledge and guidance. Do not
permit your children to pretend
they are "just like mommy and
daddy," and begin to get
off by themselves, where the parents do
not know what they are doing.
Teach your children to play healthful,
sensible, out-of-doors
games wherever circumstances and
weather permit. Kick ball,
softball, hide-and-seek, tag,
hop-scotch, backyard basketball;
these are just a few of the dozens
of healthful outdoors
activities, not to mention the
many, many games children will
develop among themselves.
Teach them they are not adults -- but
little children -- and that
they should be just what they
are!
Many parents try to force their children
out of the child's
age as soon as possible. They
want them to act more "grown-up" and
talk more "grown-up."
Therefore, many parents fully approve of
their children playing more
"grown-up" type games.
Left to themselves and without the
influence of this corrupt
society (at least as to choice
of playmates), boys and girls would
play with no self-consciousness
together in many really beneficial,
and really
interesting type games. They would remain, for several
years, in an open acceptance of
each other, and in somewhat
blissful ignorance of any sense
of great difference in them -- with
girls enjoying the softball game
just as much as boys; racing
together, playing
"tag" together, and engaging in dozens of the
active, healthful, out-of-door
type sports and games for children.
However, when children are inescapably
made aware of supposed
basic psychological differences
at a very early age, it leads
toward completely false and
harmful concepts toward members of the
opposite sex.
Boys become "afraid" around
girls -- and girls become "shy"
around boys. Why? Yes -- why,
when in large family after family with
several children of both sexes,
children play in many active,
beneficial games together with a
selfless enthusiasm, with complete
spontaneity, and with total lack
of any feeling of "difference"
between them.
It is usually by adults trying to make
adults out of CHILDREN
that many harmful attitudes are
developed.
What Are the Real
Differences?
There really
are differences, of course. But those differences
are primarily physiological.
They are in the physical makeup and
muscular development, rather
than really deep emotional and
psychological differences. Let's
understand. It is only when
children have been made AWARE of
some fabled "mystery" about the
opposite sex that they become
apprehensive of it.
Normally innocent childish play becomes,
instead of open,
friendly, enthusiastic and
carefree enjoyment, an intrigue. It
becomes burdened with
wonderment, with fears and embarrassment, and
with a natural desire to satisfy
curiosity.
Make no mistake. Far from being a mere
punctuation mark in the
day of a child, his play periods
(and the younger he is, the more
heightened is the intensity of
it) are, to him, the most important
part of his day.
A child will reveal himself in his play.
His inner
motives -- his attitudes about
his parents, his friends, toward many
situations will spontaneously
burst forth -- while he's playing.
That's why it is so important to guide
your children in how
they play, in what they play
with, and with whom they play, and
where.
If there is a truly normal, natural and
God-like attitude
toward the sexes in the home,
and if the parents realize that
children should be children, and
are not trying to force a little
girl to be a "lady" or
a mature woman, or a little boy to be a "big
man," then the children
will play happily together in a really
healthy, wholesome attitude.
-------------------
PHOTO CAPTION: For a child. the
greatest enjoyment in play is with
other children, not just things
or toys.
-------------------
What Kind of Play?
But let's get down to cases. What kind
of play should your
children engage in?
Let's speak plainly. It is, believe it
or not -- and shocking
though it may sound to many of
us in this "modern world" -- absolutely wrong
for
children to play war! To see a
little child pointing anything, whether real
gun, toy
replica, or a simple piece of
wood he picks up, at another person, and
pretending to
shoot him is a heinous act. It's
wrong. It should be stopped by parents who
have any
sense of love and responsibility
toward their children.
Further, the source of such play, such
as the TV and magazines
that inspire it, should be
removed or strictly controlled. Then,
the parents should really
explain God's principles regarding
killing. They should impress
upon the child the dead seriousness of
ever even playfully pretending
to point a gun at someone.
After ample instruction and guidance,
infractions should be
punished. The lesson must be
learned.
There are hundreds of varieties of
playthings being
manufactured today. The greatest
enjoyment a child seems to
experience comes from play --
not just with "things" but with other
children. Therefore, the group
type games are certainly to be
desired.
Certainly children will break things,
make mistakes, become
confused. But the type play in
which they indulge should be
orderly. It should make sense.
It should have an object to it -- and
not merely be aimless
wanderings, and hideous noises.
How often have you observed children
laughing in a silly
fashion or making noises that
are excessive? Noises that are not
controlled, that are
"silly" and that lead toward nervous, upset
confusion? Perhaps you have not
given it much thought before -- but
trivial as it may seem to some,
this is another very important
opportunity to teach your
children a lasting lesson.
Let them know it's good to express
themselves -- to laugh
loudly, openly, freely. It's
good to be enthusiastic about their
play. But even for children --
it's not good to be in confusion, to
be "silly" or to be
making hideous, uncontrollable noises.
So remember to encourage your children
to play in a manner
that is orderly. Teach them to
play orderly games -- games with rules
to be followed, such as
hide-and-seek, tag, and numerous others
which children invent
themselves.
The kind of play should always be
constructive. It should be
orderly. It should be beneficial
both to the child's mind and his
body. It should never be
dangerous, and it should never be
unsupervised.
When Should Children Be Left to
Themselves?
Some parents reason that children need a
time when they can
get "off by
themselves." But do they really?
Most assume the play period is the time
when children get
together by themselves. It is a
"sacred" kind of "children's hour"
in which adults are not to
interfere.
Not true. There is never a time when a
child should be left to
himself!
When a child is playing is when he will
evidence traits of
selfishness, of vanity, of
"foolishness" and other traits which
should be corrected. It is only
when the parent can observe, guide,
and really
control even the child's play that the parent can be
aware of certain problems, or
certain areas in which his (the
parent's) training has been
deficient.
Athletic directors are conscious of the
fact that the heat of
vigorous sports and games,
especially the competitive ones, will
quickly reveal basic attitudes.
A person with no basic drive, with
a lack of zeal in tackling his
problems will inevitably show that
lack, and show it plainly in
sports and games.
So it is with children.
Basic traits of selfishness which may NEVER
BE SEEN over the
dinner table will be observed
readily in children's play.
Nearly all child's games are at least
mildly competitive. It
is in the spirit of right
competition, the kind where one player
does not prevent the other from
doing his best, that many really
good and constructive habits can
be taught.
Realizing, then, that simple play can be
a very valuable
method of teaching your children
-- let's understand that children
should not simply be turned out
of doors, and left to fend for
themselves.
This is perhaps one of the greatest
infractions of good
child-rearing principles.
Of course a parent cannot
"watch" a child constantly. But
supervision does not mean merely
watching constantly -- it means
starting their play in the right
direction -- it means instructing in
where to play, how to play, with
whom to play, and when to quit
playing. It means having the
parent look in on the children from
time to time during their play
-- it means checking up on them
frequently.
But, sad to say, there are millions upon
millions of children
learning abominable practices
today, because instead of really
supervised play, they are merely
"turned out to pasture" like any
animal! Their parents don't know
where they are during major
portions of the day or night.
They don't know with whom they are,
or what they are doing.
No -- even in play, a child should never
be left to himself.
Is Play Only for Children
Another false concept is that children's
play cannot be
encroached upon by adults.
Misguided psychologists assume children
want to get away from
their parents -- that they wish
"Daddy wouldn't interfere" in their
games.
This is simply untrue. Children should
be able to play, and
play often with their own
parents.
The father who will frolic with his
children, play hide-
and-seek with them, run with
them, play catch and various forms of
ball with them, will find his
children really love to play with
"Dad." Not all the
time, or to the exclusion of other children
their own age, of course -- but
from time to time, they will actually
choose to play with their
parents instead of children their own
age.
Parents should not play like children.
They should not descend
in dignity. But they certainly
should play with their children.
They'll find their children will
love them even more for it.
When is the time for Dad to play with
his children?
Well -- certainly not by calling
them home from the middle of an
interesting game with a few
neighbor children (if all other
considerations are normal, such
as type game, type children, etc.).
The time should be spontaneous --
whenever Dad really feels like
it -- and when he wants to enjoy
playing with his children, not just
fulfill a "duty"
toward them, and it should be OFTEN!
Where Should Children
Play?
Thousands of parents do not know where
their children play
during the day. They could be on
the railroad tracks, on a raft in
the river, on the parapet of a
high building, or in the street, for
all the parents know.
Can we get the point? Children should
play in an area where
their parents can supervise them,
an area that is close to their
home, or, if farther away, a
completely safe area, and one that is
supervised by competent
personnel, such as playground managers,
teachers, or other responsible
adults.
Too often, the child comes home tired
from play, and mother
asks, "Where were you all
afternoon?" The child gives half an
answer, and the mother seems
satisfied.
Probably, the child was with neighbor
children -- and so "Mom"
assumes all is well.
But is it, really?
Where was the child playing? Was it in an
area conducive to wholesome,
healthy, orderly games and sports? Or
was it in an area, and with the
type of children, that would result
in serious trouble?
If children want to go to a public park
or playground, the
parents should accompany them
there the first time, look over the
area, and instruct the children
on how to play there. The child
should never be allowed to play
there alone, or even with a group
of children, unless the play
area is supervised by responsible
personnel the parent knows.
How many kidnappings, with sadistic,
bestial sex crimes have
there been lately, involving
little children, who were allowed to
be out on their own, away from
their parents, in a public area?
What a tragedy! Make sure it
doesn't happen to your child. Know
where he is playing at all times.
With Whom Should Children
Play?
Your child should play with the children
whose parents you
know, or else with other school
children at school, and in
supervised areas at specified times.
When it is purely
"neighborhood" children with whom your child
wants to play -- you should make
it a point to know the other
children. Know their parents.
Know something of their moral
character, and their principles.
Many people are very careful about the
kind of dogs their
favorite purebred pet is around,
but they will indiscriminately
allow their precious children to
play with practically anyone -- in
a place they know not where.
If your child wants to go to the
neighbor's yard to play -- let
him -- if you know the
neighbors, you KNOW their children, and you
know the area in which they'll
be playing. And then, only if you
know that the parents of the
other child will be supervising their
play.
If you do not know these things -- then
invite the neighbor
children to your yard.
It's a whole lot safer.
Why not be careful with your children --
and know where they
are, and what they're doing --
and know the same things about the
neighbors' children as well,
rather than be in ignorance of the
whole thing?
We all know that most children learn
most of what they
supposedly "know"
about the "facts of life" from other children of
slightly older age.
Why? Simply because they are
indiscriminately allowed to be in
areas, and with the type
children where they have access to smut,
and sex experimentation. What a
shameful pity to see the twisted
pervert peddle his pornography,
his heinous habit of dope
addiction -- right on the high
school grounds -- and for parents to
find their children, barely in
their teens, perverted, or dope
addicts.
Can we understand? Protect your
children. Don't be
"overprotective" to
the point of suppressing all independence as
they gradually grow and become
capable of being a little more
self-reliant. But don't go to
the other extreme, and leave them to
shift for themselves in a
rotten, hideous jungle of a society
filled with terrifying horrors
unrealized in your worst nightmares.
In summary, then, begin to look upon
your child's play period
as a vital part of his training.
USE the play times
to teach valuable lessons. Teach
unselfishness, sportsmanship,
cleanliness, orderliness, self
reliance (with special emphasis
on reliance on God over self!) and
real dependability.
Get your children interested in
constructive crafts and
hobbies as they grow.
Help them to become interested in
animals and wildlife. Help
them to become interested in
growing things-in the helpful,
constructive, interesting
activities that are in every way
UPbuilding, and not just whiling
away time.
Then, watch your children play.
Frequently, they'll want to
show you some new things they've
learned -- whether how to throw a
ball or how to play hopscotch
and you will learn more about your
children and you'll learn even
more about where they need your help
and instruction.
Chapter Eight
HOW TO PREPARE YOUR CHILDREN FOR
SCHOOL
MANY parents are in a frightful hurry to
get their children
out of the home, and into some
sort of formal education. A desire
for more time, for another job,
for belonging to various and sundry
"social" clubs and
groups has led countless young mothers to give
rise to a burgeoning new
profession in our land. It is the "day
school," the "nursery
school" and the "kindergarten."
Many parents try to enroll their
children in a public school
at 5 years of age, or one year
prior to the standard entrance age
in most school districts.
Seemingly their only concern is to get
rid of their children -- get
them in school as soon as possible. How
many ladies' magazines, novels,
TV serials and movies have
portrayed the
"typical" harassed mother who sends her poor,
shuffling, bumbling clod of a
husband off to work with a
disinterested peck for a kiss,
and then, hair streaming, apron
strings flying, bustles busily
through the house, scrubbing,
dressing, feeding and shoving
her children out the door, to
collapse on the couch with
exhaustion, a cup of coffee, and her
favorite love story?
Why, oh, why is it such a disgrace to
work in America and
Britain today? Why is it such a
disgrace for parents to really take
the time to teach their
children? Why are such normal, natural,
wholesome and good things as
homemaking, cooking, and teaching
children at home looked upon as
mere bondage and drudgery?
Decades of experience with growing
children has taught
teachers that a child is still
too immature, too much a little
INFANT to really
be placed in a DAILY classroom environment before
he is six full years of age.
Most teachers are very reluctant to
admit children under their sixth
birthday for that reason, and
rightly so.
The average child should never be placed
in a DAILY school
until after he is six. However,
today there are so many broken
homes, so many divorcees with
children, so many homes with parents
striving frantically to live far
beyond their means, and holding
down two jobs, that myriads of
children are, through one excuse or
another, placed in schools even
at age three. Here is another
heartbreaking tragedy of our
age.
There are, to be sure, INESCAPABLE
SITUATIONS that would
demand that a child be cared for
by a responsible, bona fide
nursery school. However, never
forget that such situations are the
direct result of the parents'
problems and that they are causing
the children to suffer for it!
There is nothing normal about tiny
children barely able to talk
being "farmed out" to others for
rearing. Millions of helpless,
innocent little toddlers have had to
pay dearly for their parents'
mistakes.
How Much Should Your Child Know Before
Going to School?
Some parents diligently teach their
children the alphabet
before placing them in school.
Others teach their children how to
read simple stories. Some even
have their six-year-olds doing
simple arithmetic before going
to the first grade. But why? "Why,"
they might answer, "because
I want my child to get a 'head start'!
I want him to learn a little
faster -- and not just be an 'average'
child!"
Parents who teach their children these
things prior to their
first year in school are
certainly in the minority. But in a far
greater minority are those who
teach their children the most
important things of all -- how
to learn!
Your child does not necessarily need to
know the alphabet, or
how to count, or how to spell
before being registered in a
competent school. But your child
does need to know HOW to learn
when he gets there.
It is certainly good to teach your child
how to read, count
and how to write, especially if
accompanied by proper discipline.
However, the emphasis should be
on correct discipline.
The greatest key to learning is proper
discipline. A
disciplined mind, an attentive
mind, a thoughtful mind, that is
generally responsive, eager to
learn, that is diligent to do what
the teacher says -- this is the
mind that will really learn in
school.
It is by teaching your child the real
meaning of discipline,
and how to be self-disciplined,
that he will become a really "good
student."
Discipline Most Important
Without exception, a well-disciplined
child will be a good
student. He might not be an all
"A" student, since this also hinges
on his heredity and his capacity
-- but he will invariably learn more
rapidly, and retain more fully,
than others of his SAME CAPACITY
who are undisciplined.
But what about your child? Your child is
your responsibility.
Even though there are
frightfully serious handicaps in today's
Babylon of confusion, you, as a
loving and conscientious parent,
can instill right values and
principles in your child, and he can
learn.
More important than any memory work,
such as the alphabet or
numbers, and more important than
any other thing that a child
should learn is discipline. A
well disciplined child will
invariably learn while others
are standing still.
What, then, are some of the most
important habits that will
aid your child in learning? What
should your child learn before
going to school?
Teach Your Child to Listen to Your
Instructions
"He is governed best who is
governed least," goes the saying.
But no one can be truly
self-governed until he has learned how to
be governed. When your child
begins in school, a great deal of the
time he will have to be
self-governed.
In today's unhappy situations,
classrooms are bulging,
teachers are overworked,
underpaid, and often poorly trained.
Classes are mixed according to
various ages, mental abilities,
race, religion, and so on.
The average pupil can get virtually no
personalized
instruction in the large city
school systems of this pulsating
Babylon of confusion we call
"society." Therefore, he will simply
have to be well enough
disciplined, and self-disciplined, at that.
Then he will learn in spite of
terrible handicaps.
Begin giving your child a basis for
attentiveness, alertness,
careful listening to
instructions with your mind set on the
long-range goals. Think of how
badly he will need this good habit
later, when he's in a classroom
literally filled with distractions,
noises, confusion, disobedient
children and, in some cases, a
disinterested teacher. Be
diligent in preparing your child for such
an eventuality.
Begin speaking only once. Speak firmly,
quietly, telling your
child to do certain tasks, one
after the other. Tell him to fold
his clothes, clean the room,
draw the drapes, put certain articles
in certain places.
Get him accustomed to following detailed
instructions, one
after the other in proper order.
He will be learning a vitally
important lesson that will be a
great aid to learning later on.
Remember to apply always, and never
feelingly, swift, sure,
and yet loving punishment for
infractions. Patiently explain the
whole procedure. Tell your child
exactly what is required of
him -- then see that he follows
through with your instructions to the
absolute letter.
If you tell him to pick up his toys,
then get his book and
color, or then put on his coat
and go outside, make sure he does it
just exactly in that order.
A child will -- at times
-- deliberately do things contrary to the
way in which you tell him. But
what is his attitude? What is the
look on his face? It is far more
important that you as the parent
come to recognize his attitude
of rebellion or of uncooperativeness
than to merely make him perform
the prescribed tasks -- although both
are surely important.
A first-grade teacher was telling me how
a child, when told to
sit up straight, would slowly
"wriggle" in a serpentine motion
until finally, after what seemed
like minutes, one part of the body
after the other would
"straighten up." Finally, he would be erect
in his seat. There is a case of
open rebellion.
What if a child is told to fold his
hands, and place them on
the table?
What if the child does not do it? Or
what if he is slow to do
it? What excuse would the
average parent give? That he is tired,
nervous, sick, or "didn't
understand"? But we really know better,
don't we? We know that if the
child were older, and more
independent, he would be saying
with a level stare, "No! I'm not
about to obey you!" But,
since he is a child, we tend to excuse
slowness to obey, and deliberate
rebellion.
Make sure your child listens to your
instructions, and then
make him carry them out, and
carry them out cheerfully, and in a
willing spirit. It isn't easy --
it won't happen the first few times,
or even the first several times
-- but if you diligently apply what
you have read in these pages, it
can and will be accomplished.
Teach Your Child to Sit
Still
Notice the example of a child going to
school for the first
time in his life.
In all of his youthful six years, he has
never been actually
taught to simply sit still for
any considerable length of time. All
of a sudden, he is thrown
together with dozens and dozens of other
children his own age, in strange
surroundings, under a teacher he
knows not, and is told to sit
still at his desk for perhaps many
hours during the course of a
day. He simply is unable. He can't
accomplish it so quickly. Hence,
first-, second-, and third-grade
teachers will tell you with
almost one voice that their biggest
problem is with a group of
"fidgeters" who squirm and writhe in
their seats, look out the
window, play with pencils, cards, or
papers, and who simply seem to
be unable to sit still while in
school.
Why? Simply because they have never been
taught at home. Too
many parents today wish to
abdicate their responsibility of
teaching their children anything
-- merely expecting to push them off
on a school system and have the
well-trained teachers, by means of
some unknown procedures and
near-miracles, turn out decent,
respectful, humble, obedient,
kind and loving future citizens. This
is nothing more than an idle
dream -- an abysmal miscalculation.
A child may be taught to sit still while
still very young!
Picking up the child after he
has had a lot of activity and simply
placing him in a chair or on the
sofa and saying, "Sit!" is ample.
If the child gets down, just one
sharp swat on the buttocks, being
placed back on the sofa and then
being told with a pointed finger,
"Sit" again might well
accomplish a great deal as a first lesson.
However -- once you have begun
even this first lesson -- keep at it!
You may be absolutely
guaranteed, that whether it takes more than
one spanking on this one
occasion for the child to associate
immobility in the chair with the
command "Sit!" -- he will certainly
learn it. This should be learned
very quickly after the child
learns to walk.
Most parents want their children to do
well in school, to
bring home good grades, and to
be at the top of the class
scholastically, if not to be the
most outstanding student in the
grade.
As never before, many parents are trying
to accomplish these
goals for their children by
enrolling them in preschool programs,
hiring special tutors, or, what
is even more common, trying to help
their children get a head start
by teaching them how to read and
count at home before they enter
school.
A few, at the other extreme, however,
are afraid to teach
their children anything,
thinking that when their children get to
school the teacher's instruction
might be so different from theirs
that their children will only
become confused.
The Real Key To Success
The real
key to the success of your children in school lies
neither in exposing them to the
"Three R's" before entering the
classroom, nor in a complete
lack of familiarity with such
teaching. It is the training in
character and in the right study
habits that will determine
whether or not your children will be a
success in school. It is character, and good study habits,
therefore, that every parent
needs to be teaching his children at
home before anything else.
Of course, if there is time it would be
good to teach your
children all you can about
reading, writing, and arithmetic. This
knowledge will not hinder their
learning when they start
school -- especially if you
explain to them that there are several
ways to do almost everything and
that at school they will learn
other ways of learning that are
just as good or even better than
what you are teaching them at
home.
But in this chapter I want to emphasize
developing strong
character traits and good study
habits in your children that are
even more important than any
technical knowledge about a certain
subject they will study in
school.
Let's first start with important
character traits every child
should be thoroughly grounded in
before entering school.
Character Traits
When school is about ready to start, we
see our ideal first
grader walking up the walk with
lunch pail in hand, hair neatly
combed, clothes clean and
pressed, eyes sparkling from a good
night's sleep, and with a big
smile for the teacher's "Good
morning." It is observed
that she is not afraid to come to school
without her mother coming into
the room with her, having already
learned that only babies are
tied to their "mother's apron
strings."
Upon entering the room, our little
student puts her lunch pail
neatly on the shelf provided,
hangs her coat on the hook by its
nape, walks happily but in an
orderly manner to her desk, and sits
quietly, ready for instruction
to begin.
As the class begins, it is noticed that
our little student is
not playing with fingernails,
picking her nose, scratching an arm
or ear, tying shoe laces, or
looking around the room.
When instructions are given to place
pencil, eraser, and book
on desk, our little student
quickly responds. Within a few seconds
she has the exact items before
her.
When the teacher asks for answers to
particular questions, her
hand is in the air -- not waving
frantically -- and she is eager to
respond. If her answer is wrong,
or if it provokes a sincere laugh
from the teacher and other
students, she does not begin to cry and
think about her mistake, but
quickly responds with another possible
answer.
Halfway through the period it is also
noticed that this little
first grader will raise her hand
to add her experience to the topic
being discussed or to ask a
question. She does not hold it high in
the air for several minutes
while the teacher is talking, or ask
questions having nothing to do
with what is being discussed. No,
our student has learned to wait
until her elders are finished
talking, and has learned to
think about the appropriate time to ask
her questions, besides.
During the play period, our student is
seen playing with her
whole heart and strength. If her
team loses or is behind,
discouragement or
"give-up-itis" does not set in.
If she falls down while running, she's
up and running again
before self-pity takes hold of
her mind. She is not too tired to
run again if the teacher asks
for volunteers, either. She is also
happy when others win over her
-- she has learned to be a winner and
a loser.
At lunch time, our little first grader
sits quietly with the
other students while finishing
her whole lunch within the allotted
half hour. No loud talking or
the telling of exaggerated stories to
gain attention, chewing of food
with mouth open, talking with food
in mouth, throwing oranges or
apples into the air that should be
eaten, not played with; no
continual unfinished lunches, or spilled
milk. Yes, she has even learned
to sit so her slip will not show,
and stand with good posture.
No, the teacher has not had to tell her
all these things: our
little first grader has already
learned these character traits AT
HOME!
When she begins to manifest a little
vanity, while the others
are busy working, the teacher
whispers into her ear, "You are
beginning to act a little silly,
I want you to stop it." Her eyes
fill with water, but within
seconds they are dry, and the
expression on her face shows she
fears to continue to do wrong, for
our student has been taught what
will follow if she doesn't change.
When the bell rings to go home, our
first grader gets her desk
in order, stops and thinks about
what she brought with her or needs
to take home -- so coat, hat and
lunch pail do not become left behind
or lost. She finds these things
and gives the teacher a big smile
as she WALKS quietly out of the
room.
Can you imagine what an inspiration a
student like this can be
to a teacher?
This can be said about your children, if
you will begin at
home to train them in the
important character traits illustrated.
But most parents make the mistake of
comparing their children
with others. What other children
do may be entirely wrong.
Here are just a few character traits
that your children need
to be developing at home before
ever starting school. These are
ever so much more important than
technical things such as the
alphabet or multiplication tables.
1. Personal cleanliness and
orderliness.
2. Friendliness.
3. Confidence; enthusiasm; positive,
happy approach.
4. Ability to follow instructions.
5. Respect for all elders.
6. Stick-to-it-iveness and perseverance.
7. Endurance of hardship.
8. Good sportsmanship.
9. Accurate description of events.
10. Good posture.
11. Emotional control.
12. Responsibility.
13. Courtesy.
14. Modesty.
With continuous effort strive to make
your children the type
that will warm not only your
heart but also those who must work
with them in school.
What then are some of the study habits
you should be teaching
your children?
Listening
First of all, as mentioned, teach your
children to listen.
Most teachers would tell you that one of
the biggest problems
they face in the classroom is
just getting children to LISTEN.
The number of minutes that are wasted
each day alone in
obtaining the attention of
children would probably total over an
hour.
Children need to come to school with the
habit of sitting
quietly and giving their
undivided attention to the teacher who is
conducting the class at the
front of the room.
But this is not usually the case.
Instead, lacking self
discipline over mind and body,
after only a few minutes most
children begin squirming,
looking around the room, or having their
attention diverted by a swinging
door, a passing car, or the roar
of an airplane overhead.
Here is the teacher, who through years
of training and study
has learned the knowledge that
is vital to your children's growth
and happiness, teaching away at
the front of the room, and most of
the students, instead of
listening, are simply
day-dreaming -- hundreds of
miles away, thinking about some worthless
pastime.
Yes, listening is an essential key to
learning. The ability to
concentrate on what is taking
place before you must be instilled in
children and adults alike. And
the earlier the better.
Here is one way we can prepare our
children for school. Teach
them to sit still and give their
undivided attention to what is
being said. Make listening,
whenever elders are speaking, something
they practice as a real
habit. You may start by teaching them to
listen for only a minute or two
at first. Then work into periods of
ten to twenty minutes.
You must have the wisdom to determine what
you can expect your
children to become attentive to
at their particular age -- which is
usually just a matter of
experience.
But whatever you do, start developing in
your children the
HABIT of listening. If you do,
they are going to push ahead of
other students in their class.
They will be absorbing the
information that most students
who are daydreaming never hear. On
tests and examinations they will
have the information their
teachers expect. Their grades
will thus improve. But most of all,
they will be learning that
knowledge so essential to their future
learning and to life itself.
It takes self-discipline to listen and
think out what is
taking place before you.
But, it can be done through developing
the habit of listening.
Taking Notes
Somewhere around the sixth grade begin
teaching your children
how to take notes. Although the
majority of what your children will
learn in school will come
through the sense of hearing, much of
what they hear will be forgotten
soon after hearing it unless some
system of recording that vital
information is established.
Teach your children to take notes.
Of course, if your children are very
young, this will be
impossible. But beginning around
age twelve you would be surprised
how soon they could learn the
habit of good note-taking if you
helped them.
(Just because young children are able to
take notes like
grown-ups, however, make sure
they realize they are still children.
Tell them note-taking is for
anyone who wants to remember what he
hears.)
In taking notes, teach them the
importance of writing the main
ideas and putting those ideas
into one's own words. There is no
sense in recording information
unless you understand what you are
writing.
Your children should also learn to make
important statements,
ideas, or thoughts stand out, by
placing stars in the margin of
their paper or underlining that
information they feel is most
important.
If they take notes properly, they will
have at their
fingertips the information they
should know -- and no doubt the
information they will be called
upon to remember in the future.
Scheduling Time
Time is one of the most important
possessions we have been
given. It might even be said
that life is nothing more than time.
Children should be taught to control
their time -- to schedule
their day. Every successful
man knows and practices this principle.
Yes, we should teach our children the
value of time. Teach
them not to let hours slip
through their fingers uncontrolled.
By the time they are in junior high
school -- about age children
should have some type of routine
to follow at least during the
week -- if not weekends as well.
Having a recreational or relaxing
activity immediately after
coming home from school would be
good followed, perhaps, by dinner,
cleanup, and then one or more
hours of study, before finally going
to bed.
Whatever the plan, help your children
schedule their homework,
play and recreation periods.
Teach them to make the most of the
twenty-four hours they have
every day. Make sure that somewhere in
that schedule is time for them
to be with YOU, their parent -- a time
when, as a family, you can relax
and enjoy one another. Playing
cards, or singing around the
piano, or just talking about the
interesting things that happened
during the day would suffice.
Not only schedule WHEN your children are
to do their
homework -- specifically -- but
help them find a quiet place where they
can do it as well. Many people
like to use the kitchen as a study
room. Others find the bedroom is
a good place for study. Whatever
the location, it should be as
conducive to study as possible.
And when your children sit down to study
-- away from
disturbances such as radio or TV
-- help them to really concentrate.
Reading
How important is reading? In this day
and age it is mighty
important. Everyone needs to
read, and read widely. There is a
storehouse of information in
books.
What we feed the mind is what we turn
out to be in the end.
There are many good books worth
reading, but we will have to teach
our children to select the good
from the bad.
Reading is important in many ways. It
helps us spell
correctly. It improves our
vocabulary and grammar-besides giving us
important knowledge.
It will be very hard at first, to apply
these principles of
character and study, because
most children, and for that matter
most college students and adults
alike, do not have these strong
character traits or study
habits. But, slowly and surely, they can
be acquired.
Remember, it is going to be little use
trying to teach your
children these principles unless
you get right in with them and
develop these habits, also.
Children learn principally through
example. It does little
good to tell them something
unless you are working on it too.
It is your responsibility to see that
your children are
prepared for school, and to help
them acquire these habits of
character and study.
Chapter Nine
HOW TO HELP YOUR
TEEN-AGERS
THE teens have been called the
"dangerous age" by many
sociologists and child
psychologists. They see the teen-age years
as an age of rebellion against
authority, of unbridled energy and
emotions.
Many psychologists have little
understanding of the basic
principles of dealing with
teen-agers. What's more, they know
little of how a teen-age mind
works.
Today many throw up their hands in utter
amazement and
frustration when their child reaches
teen age. Why should this be?
Do you know how to help your teen-ager?
How can you "reach"
him? How can you earn his
respect?
Why does he not confide in you? How can
you win his
confidence? And just what
mistakes are you making right now that
are driving your child farther
away?
Parents Just Don't Care
Young men and women have been given no
purpose for life, no
real training, no discipline, and precious little love,
attention
and interest from their parents.
Yet they are your children or your
neighbor's just down the
way. They live on your street,
in your city -- now! They will
certainly affect your future.
They are the leaders of tomorrow. And
all too often, as the grisly
crime statistics indicate, they are
the murderers, the muggers and
the rapists of today.
Increasingly, law enforcement officials
have come to realize
that the parents of these
lawless children are often the chief
culprits. A sheriff's officer
said: "The real trouble here is that
too many parents don't know --
or don't care -- where their children
are at night."
In an article on juvenile drug addiction
in the Reader's
Digest, the authors stated:
"Virtually every official we talked
with emphasized that the
ultimate cure for the teen-age drug menace
lies in the home, the
neighborhood, the community ... Lieutenant
Norbert Currie, head of the San
Francisco Narcotics Squad, put it
succinctly: 'We are never going
to lick this pill and glue stuff
until parents really
care about the youngsters'" (June 1966, p.
70).
It's time parents everywhere woke up!
If you are a parent, then you have a
God-given responsibility
to teach and train your
children. You also have the opportunity to
make your family life a thing of
joy and productivity -- enriching
your own life immeasurably and
preparing leaders for the world
tomorrow.
Positive Teaching and Proper
Discipline
Every child needs BOTH the proper
discipline and the positive
teaching and admonition of the
right way of life. Parents have a
responsibility to teach and to
train. In the early years of life,
children need more training and
discipline as they are unable to
understand much teaching at this
time. But as the child continues
to grow older, parents need to
continue to train through discipline
while consistently bringing in
more positive teaching. The older
child and teen-ager needs to be
continually taught, and thoroughly
instructed in the right way of
life.
If a parent neglects this proper
teaching he will soon find
his discipline not doing the job
it should. If, on the other hand,
he neglects the proper
discipline of a very young child and tries
to do it all through teaching,
he will find himself on the short
end as well. For the child will
be unruly, and unresponsive to the
teaching. The child will not SIT
STILL to listen to the teaching
given to him. Thus the parent
will be headed for many problems and
trials with his child.
Worldly Influences
Your children are constantly being
exposed to worldly habits
and teachings. Through other
children -- especially teen-age
children -- the world has
inroads into your family.
You send your child to school at six
years of age. He may be
well disciplined and taught to
sit still. He may be well behaved
and mannerly in almost every
way. But then he begins to learn
through sight, sound and the bad
examples of others around him. He
soon learns the dirt, filth and
smut of this world. He also sees
the unruliness and rebellion
that is evidenced by many in his own
class. This exposure is a
constant form of teaching -- a bombardment
which very few are able to
resist unless their parents come to
their aid with constant right
teaching.
As the child gets older, he or she
learns many dirty jokes in
school, is exposed to the theory
of evolution, hears curse words,
erotic sayings, and many other
things that appeal to his human
nature. Little by little YOUR
child is being influenced from a
right way of life to a wrong
way. Little by little the insidious,
cancerous growth of worldly
attitudes takes hold of your child's
mind. Soon the once sweet,
innocent little child you had now
becomes a DIFFERENT person.
Many parents exclaim, "Why, I don't
even know my child
anymore!" Why does this
parent not know his teenage son or daughter
anymore? Why is it that when the
real attitude of this youngster is
shown the parent is frankly
shocked?
The simple answer is this: The parent
has assumed that once he
has taught his child to sit
still, come when called, answer "Yes,
Sir" and "Yes,
Ma'am," he has done all that is necessary as a
parent. Thus his child comes
into the home, sits at the table when
he is told to sit, gets up when
he is told to get up, and answers
his parents with respect. But
what else is going on in his mind the
parents do not know.
Positive Teaching Needed
Year after year the child is bombarded
with wrong thoughts. He
is put under pressures,
frustrating circumstances in school life.
He is either ashamed or afraid
to talk it over with his parents.
And many parents do not
encourage their children and teen-agers to
talk their problems over with
them. The parent is too busy -- he has
done his job -- he has taught
the child to sit still, come when
called, answer with respect.
But there is much more to child rearing
than that!
Most parents do very little teaching of
their children. It is
much easier for some to spank
than to teach. Many parents don't
realize they cannot deal the same way with their child for
the rest
of his life. They cannot
understand that spanking ALONE is not the
answer. Spanking will have very
little effect on a child who has
passed the age where he will
repent through physical punishment. At
this point most parents throw up
their hands and say, "What's the
use? I can't do anything with
him!"
Necessary Homework
How is your home life? Do you really
know your teenager? Oh
yes, many THINK they do. But do
they? Are you sure you know what is
in the mind of your youngster?
Many parents never take the time to talk
with their children.
They have their own pleasures
and activities to do, television
shows to watch, and business to
take care of -- so they have no time
to talk with their youngster.
They don't know what's going on in
his mind. They are not aware of
the various problems he is facing
at school or the frustrations
which may be in his or her mind.
How many parents devote a certain amount
of time EACH DAY to
talking with their children?
How many times
has YOUR teen-ager come home with a serious
problem on his mind -- actually
wishing to talk it over with you -- and
you gave him no opportunity to
do so? How many times after a date
does a daughter come home
wishing to talk with her mother about
certain things, yet she is
partially ashamed or afraid to do so and
is never given the opportunity?
Do you ask your teen-ager what happens
at school each day? Do
you take the time to find out
what they have been doing? Or where
they have been? Or with whom
they have been associating? Do you ask
them certain questions to get
their point of view on life and its
problems? Not in a prying grill
session with suspicion in your
voice -- but an open, friendly,
warm and loving INTEREST.
Right Examples of Teaching
The Bible is full of examples on how to
teach your
children -- even what to say.
Many parents never realize that they
are put in the Bible to teach
the parent how to teach his own
child.
Here are some examples of proper
teaching of children.
Notice Proverbs 4:20. "My son,
attend to my words; incline
thine ear unto my sayings."
This is an example of a parent talking
with and admonishing his own
child. The parent asks the child to
listen, to pay attention to the
teachings he is about to hear. In
the next few verses we find the
things the parent should teach the
child. He also tells the child
the advantages of paying attention
to the things he is about to be
taught (verses 21-22).
Then the parent goes on to give the
child these various
admonishments: put away a fro
ward (wilfully contrary, not easily
managed) mouth and perverse
lips, look straight ahead (concentrate,
don't be easily distracted),
ponder ("look before you leap" -- think
about what you are going to do
BEFORE doing it) the path of your
feet, and don't turn to the
right or to the left from your goal
(finish the job you start).
These are SOME of the things you should
be teaching your children!
(Verses 24-27.)
Notice how many times
the Bible gives examples of a parent
teaching his child to heed his
words.
In Proverbs 5:1 we read, "My son,
attend unto my wisdom, and
bow thine ear to my
understanding." Again in Proverbs 6:20, we
read, "My son, keep thy father's
commandment, and forsake not the
law of thy mother." Again,
"My son, keep my words, and lay up my
commandments with thee. Keep my
commandments, and live; and my law
as the apple of thine eye. Bind
them upon thy fingers, write them
upon the table of thine
heart" (Proverbs 7:1-3).
So we see in these various examples how
the wise parent goes
about teaching his child. He
talks with him, instructs him in the
right way of living.
Every parent secretly says: "My
son, if thine heart be wise,
my heart shall rejoice, even
mine" (Proverbs 23:15). Also, "My son,
be wise, and make my heart glad,
that I may answer him that
reproacheth me" (Proverbs
27:11). Every parent is glad when his son
or daughter does well in life.
No parent wants his child to be
foolish, cause destruction and
bring on a bad name.
"A foolish son is the calamity of
his father" (Proverbs
19:13). But there is a way to
avoid this calamity.
But HOW does one teach his son to be
wise?
How much teaching and training is needed
on the part of
parents to counteract the
foolishness of this world?
"The rod and reproof give wisdom:
but a child left to himself
bringeth his mother to
shame" (Proverbs 29:15). Many parents do
just that. They do not ask their
children the proper questions or
take an interest in their daily
activities. They leave them to
themselves!
Wise or Foolish?
"A wise son maketh a glad father;
but a foolish son is the
heaviness of his mother"
(Proverbs 10:1). How true! It is the dream
of every parent to have his son
or daughter grow up to be respected
and liked, to be wise and
understanding, and to make a good name
for himself. Perhaps the only
reward a parent gets in child rearing
is to see his son or daughter
become a success in life.
But a foolish son, as the proverb says,
is the "heaviness of
his mother." He brings
shame, heartache and headache to his
parents. For a parent there is
no worse feeling than failure with
his children. To sit back and
watch your children reap harm from
the things they sow is painful
indeed. To see your children suffer
for things you have neglected to
teach them is agony.
This does not have to be!
Many are encouraging their children to
be foolish. Some
parents think it is cute or
smart when their child misbehaves. They
laugh at the wrong things the
child does. This encourages the child
all the more in foolishness.
Another way parents contribute to
foolishness is to encourage
laziness and slothfulness in
their children. Many parents never
give a child an assignment or
work to do around the house.
Many mothers never have their daughters
do anything around the
house. And if they do, it is
only a very small task. It seems
mothers have a hard time
teaching their daughters to cook, sew or
clean house. Many mothers say it
like this, "Oh, well, it takes her
so long. It's so much trouble to
teach her that I would rather do
it myself." Yes, this is
the common attitude. But in this case the
mother is concerned only with
herself. She is not concerned with
her daughter's development.
Thus many girls grow up not knowing how
to cook, sew or do
housework. Many grow up with no
idea of how to manage a home. It is
the daughter who suffers. But
the fault lies with the
parents -- especially the
mother.
Mother's Place in Child
Rearing
Today's society in America, Britain,
Australia, and South
Africa contains many career
women. The term "professional" seems
glamorous to women. Somehow they
feel a career outside the home is
very important. So they farm out
their children to day nurseries
while they pursue their careers.
Samuel G. Kling, a divorce lawyer, says
woman's "emancipation"
is a major reason why many
marriages fail.
"Today the very word 'housewife' is
an apology. Not to have a
career is considered unglamorous
and unattractive. There are books
by the thousands telling her how
unfulfilled she is. No wonder
modern women quail at the
thought of just being a wife!
"Before women were emancipated they
settled more or less
happily for being wives and
mothers. It was their destiny, and in
most cases they accepted it. Not
always, of course, and not always
happily. But in any case they
knew that this was their career. A
girl didn't have to waver all
through high school trying to decide
for which career to train. She
had a definite and tremendously
important place in society which
satisfied her ego and gave her
most of the fulfillment she
needed" ("This Week" magazine, November
20, 1966).
Many Hours a Day
Prior to school a child spends many
hundreds of hours under
the direct supervision of his
mother. In infancy much of his time
is spent in his mother's arms.
She coos, talks to, and cuddles him.
As the child grows older he is with his
mother every day while
his father is at work. His
mother has a tremendous influence on
him. She teaches him proper
habits, cleanliness, discipline. More
than anyone else at that tender
age her supervision over him is of
utmost importance. She sets the
stage for future habits in his
life.
Properly carried out, her discipline can
help ready her child
for years to come. Wrong rearing
makes it twice as hard for the
child later on.
Children will either love and respect
their mother and her
authority or will come to
relegate it to insignificance -- or worse
yet, despise it.
In
later life, a daughter must have the proper example of her
mother to follow. A teen-age
girl must learn how she is to fulfill
her place in life in just a few
years -- perhaps at age 23 to 25.
"Mother" has to teach
her all the basic things that she will need
to know.
Be Aware of What's
Happening
Another way parents encourage
foolishness in their children is
by not knowing what's going on.
In many cases everyone knows but
the parents. One example: A boy
was smoking and almost everyone
knew it except his father and
mother. They had no idea their son
was smoking. Yet it was common
knowledge among all the teen-agers.
And through them other parents
knew.
Why were his parents in the dark? Why
were they the last to
find out?
The answer is simple.
They never asked! Had his parents asked
him, the boy may have
readily admitted he smoked.
Are you afraid to ask your child?
When parents never ask, it encourages
more foolishness.
Children begin to think their
parents don't care. They then think
their activity is none of their
parents' business. Since their
parents do not care to know,
they feel that the parents have no
right to know. One girl made the
statement about her DATING HABITS,
"What they don't know won't
hurt them." She was speaking of her
parents.
[Editor's Note: Ambassador College
publishes an attractively
printed booklet entitled
"Modern Dating." This booklet is a must
for children about to enter
teen-age. It provides basic guidelines
in dating. Every parent and
teenager should read it.]
One foolish move some parents make is
this. They brag about
their children's smart-aleck
remarks and arguments. Many times
teen-agers talk back to their
parents. They come up with a "smart"
or "clever" (but
rebellious) remark. Parents become proud of their
child's "genius." This
is sheer folly! Being so "proud" of their
child, they neglect any
punishment. What kind of reasoning is this?
There are many ways in which parents can
help their children
and teen-agers. The most
important underlying principle is that you
come to know your children --
and that they know you.
This can be accomplished in several
areas, which will be
discussed briefly. All require
your time and effort. But it is
effort enjoyably spent; it is
effort which becomes an investment in
the future success
of your children.
Here are some ways to make your
children's and teenagers'
lives abundant and happy.
Make Family Play and Outings a
Habit
Build the habit of playing regularly
with your children and
sharing with them many
hours of good times. Often, children will
deeply and long remember the
fact that their father used to take
them "piggyback" and
laugh and romp with them on the floor. This
type of activity, kept in right
balance and without undue
roughness, can establish a sense
of rapport and closeness with your
children more quickly than
almost any other type of activity.
Having family card games,
monopoly, croquet, ball games -- these are
all things to introduce as the
children's ages permit.
Then, on weekends and vacations, family
picnics, hikes,
hunting and fishing trips,
camping out or going to the cabin will
be an experience your sons and
daughters will always remember.
You fathers need to teach your sons to
do masculine things -- to
hunt, to fish, to take care of
themselves in the woods and in many
other circumstances. Teach your
sons to speak like a man. Teach
them to think like a man and to
work hard, perspire, accomplish and
produce, and not be a coward.
Teach them to be self-reliant, not
pantywaists or effeminate
creatures and candidates for some type of
institution.
If you orient your children's play and
activities around the
family -- allowing them to bring
in one or two other children of good
character on occasion -- this
alone will prevent a great deal of the
tendency toward carousing and
juvenile delinquency into which so
many unattended children fall.
And you will be establishing a
closeness and contact with your
very heritage which will enable you
to guide their lives for many
years in the future.
What If One Parent Is
Missing?
You're working under a big handicap if
one parent is missing.
But it's not so big you can't overcome
it with a little
thought and wisdom, and a lot of
patience.
Let's assume the mother (since this
seems to be the most
general case) is trying to rear
her children without a husband
present. Perhaps there has been
a separation, a divorce, or even a
death.
She ought to realize,
then, that the basic environment for the
home is missing. She ought to
take whatever steps possible to
remedy that lack -- where those
steps are right and good.
What if you have growing sons, and they
have no father to be
with them, to give them of his
masculine personality, his male
interests and ways of doing
things, his discipline?
You should use real
wisdom. Think about your situation. Do you
know some of the close friends
of your children? Do you know their
parents? Is it possible for the
father of a neighbor boy to include
your boys on an outing just once
in a while?
What about the local YMCA? They have
arts and crafts classes,
swimming classes and the like
which are usually (but be mighty
careful to make sure) run by a
competent man in the field.
What about summer camp? Ever think of
sending your boys to one
of the many healthful, wholesome
camps where rigorous outdoor
activities are offered?
And, finally, what about being a little
more active yourself?
Get interested in some of the
activities, sports, hobbies that
would appeal to either sex.
Don't run the risk of letting boys
become
"mother-dominated" or begin to mimic or unconsciously take
on only feminine
characteristics.
Take them hiking where possible, with
groups of friends where
you, their mother, are along.
Take them picnicking, bicycling,
horseback riding, swimming.
These are activities that many men and
women enjoy with equal relish.
Look around at your environment and your
locality. Look at
your home life. Do you spend too
much time looking at TV? Too much
time with other women? Do you
spend time feeling sorry for yourself
instead of being really
absorbed in rearing your children properly?
Can you improve your situation? Based
upon a right knowledge
of marriage, is there any chance
for a reconciliation with the
father of your children? Think
about it. Realize what a handicap it
is to attempt rearing children
without a father around!
Make Family Study a Habit
Fathers should sit down regularly with
their children, at
least a few times
each week, and study with them and explain to
them important principles of successful
living. Read chapters of
the Proverbs -- explaining how
to apply the wisdom contained in these
pages. Inspire them to want to
make a success of their lives and
build the very character of God.
Have father-son or mother-daughter
talks with them, telling them
about your past life experiences and
lessons which you hope they will
not have to learn personally by
suffering as you did. Teach them
positive principles of success and
happiness.
Teach your children basic things --
honesty and integrity, the
value of hard work and
productivity. Teach them never to lie nor be
deceitful. Teach them to respect
and value human life -- to be
careful in their own playing,
swimming and driving so that you will
never have to have a funeral
ceremony for your own child! Explain
this to them heart-to-heart --
and make it meaningful.
Teach your children -- as they get up
toward the fourth, sixth
and eighth grades -- to read
newspapers and magazines, to be aware of
what is going on in the world.
Teach them to read worthwhile books
on geography, history, the
biographies and autobiographies of great
and successful
men, etc. Inspire the right kind of ambition and
desire for success
in your sons and daughters.
Take time to go over with them certain
outstanding articles in
various magazines and newspapers
you may read regarding principles
of life and success
which you want your children to know. Teach
them wisdom and balance in
applying these things. Remind them, for
instance, that many
multimillionaires would give all they had
simply to have one happy
marriage. Teach them that the grasping,
clawing, greedy, competitive way
of getting ahead is not the real
way to permanent happiness and
true success. But do, in right
balance, inspire them to develop
their minds, bodies, personalities
and characters so that they may
be productive human beings and
leaders as God directs their
lives.
Your children and teen-agers will never
forget this kind of
teaching, training, love and
inspiration. It will be a help and
have an impact upon their lives
which will last not only through
this age -- but through
eternity. And that is a fact.
Father Must Be Leader
Father MUST be the head of the home.
There is no substitute
for this primary requirement. If
the father is not the head of the
home then none of the other
rules used will really work. (However,
if the father is not at home,
then the mother must assume the role
of head of household. This is a
big handicap, as mentioned above.)
Children must see and experience
proper government in the home.
They learn the proper respect
for government through their home.
The man must be the dominating
personality and force that
stands for the right way in the
family. He also must take a very
active and intense interest in
the children. This point cannot be
over-emphasized. Every man needs
to examine himself and make sure
that he is doing all he needs to
be doing to be the head of his
house. He needs to be the head
of the house in SERVICE and LOVE, as
well as in authority.
Be a Family
Warm and loving family fellowship is a
major key in the
development of a child's sense
of security, a balanced personality
and positive approach to life.
Every family should talk, laugh and
share their lives with each
other at all times -- and especially at
mealtime. Having
"family" meals is certainly a great asset in the
development of your children.
Here, indeed, is an opportunity to
talk over with the children the
events of the day.
Ask Johnny: "What did you learn in
school today?" And show
yourself interested in his answer,
in his analysis of the events of
his life. Learn to know who your
children are associating with and
what kind of people they are. In
a positive way, not picking and
nagging, guide your children to
choose right companionships, to
play games in a positive manner
without fighting and quarreling,
and to develop habits for success
in their future lives.
Learn to listen to your children talk.
Notice their voice
inflection, their personality
and the enthusiasm -- or lack of
it -- which they convey. Then
try to guide and encourage them toward
further development, making sure
that you set the example above all
else. For children will follow
your example more than anything
else.
Learn to laugh with and love your
children deeply. Share with
them the knowledge of their
origins -- the type of people their
great-grandparents and
grandparents were, how you yourself grew up,
and things that will give their
lives a sense of continuity and
purpose. Although you should
always retain proper dignity as the
parent and leader of the child,
you can certainly joke and laugh
with and bring out his
personality and give him confidence in the
family situation more than in
any other.
Have a close family life. Dinner time
can help. There is
nothing like a family eating its
meal together to bring about a
close family life. This provides
an excellent opportunity for
parents to get to know their
youngsters. They can ask them about
problems at school -- daily
activities. This is a vital part of
family life. Don't neglect it!
Encourage loyalty to the family. When a
child loves and
respects his family -- has a
loyalty for it -- he will not want to
bring shame or problems upon the
family. He will watch his conduct,
being loyal to his parents'
teaching so that it does not reflect
upon his parents or the family.
He will do what is best for the
family. He will try to please
them. Right loyalty to the family
unit is indeed a very precious
and worthwhile thing. Parents should
cultivate more loyalty in their
children.
Develop Responsible Children and
Teen-agers
Teach your children responsibility while
young.
Millions of modern children grow up
without ever being exposed
to the discipline of work and
productivity. In their idle hours
they develop countless wasteful
and foolish habits. And they never
develop the habit of work and success
in this manner.
Teach your children the habit of work.
Even in the city, children can be given
many things to do if
you properly organize them. Your
boys can mow the lawn, rake
leaves, shovel snow, carry in
wood and kindling for the fireplace
and even help with the
vacuuming, washing and scrubbing of the
floors. Your girls can regularly
help do the dishes, clean the
house, polish the furniture and
other similar chores. Each child
should be taught to keep his own
room clean, to make his own bed
daily, and to be responsible for
putting things back where they
belong and organizing his things
throughout the house. This will
give each child a sense of
responsibility and accomplishment and
may help more than you can
imagine in the future success of your
children.
Today's children are encouraged to
neglect responsibility. The
philosophy of the educational
systems of this world is to remove
all responsibility from the
children, giving them a free hand.
Children are shielded from
responsibilities today.
Children of all ages should have
responsibilities at home as
well as at school. Too many
parents neglect this phase of their
children's training. It is good
for a child to have
responsibilities around the
house. It is necessary for that child
to fulfill them! This teaches
him responsibility. It disciplines
him at the same time.
You should give your children and
teen-agers certain
assignments -- routine work that
they are required to fulfill. This
teaches self-discipline. In
doing this work your child will assume
responsibility. He will exercise
self discipline. As he grows older
he should be able to assume more
responsibility. These
responsibilities should start
small when he is young and increase
as he grows older.
Numerous men desert their families each
year. They leave their
homes -- lose themselves in
society. They never had responsibilities.
When married they could not cope
with them. Many who stay with
their families are dominated by
their wives. Their wives take the
responsibility for the family.
Had these men learned responsibility
as boys, this tragedy would not
have occurred. To a degree the
blame lies with their parents.
Encourage Home
Entertainment
Why go out all the time? Too many
teen-agers today feel they
cannot have a good time unless
they "go out." This is wrong! And
the parents do nothing to
counteract this feeling.
There are many things a teen-ager can do
at home. Parents
should strive to provide a happy
atmosphere -- a "good time" at home.
Your teen-agers don't need to
always "go out" to have a good time.
But sad to say, most parents
make no effort to have fun in a family
unit. And this is essential!
There are all kinds of family games
that provide "at home"
entertainment.
Today most teen-agers think that a date
is not a date unless
they go to a drive-in movie and
neck. They feel their date is
spoiled if their parents are
anywhere around.
Why this attitude?
The answer is that they have been taught
to think like this.
They want to do things that are
not lawful. Their minds are on the
foolishness of this world.
Encourage your teen-agers to be with the
older men and women
you know to be of sound
character. They can gain much valuable
experience in an enjoyable atmosphere
and get their minds on more
serious and more edifying
things. If fathers will include their
sons in mutual activities, the
sons will gain valuable experience
and maturity. Thought this
association with older men they will
come to learn, and to love and
respect their father even more.
To be wise, walk with wise men. But many
consign their boys to
association with only other
"kids." These parents push them into
foolish contacts with other
teen-agers. Include your youngsters in
discussions with older, wiser
men!
The same goes for young ladies. Your
teen-age girls should be
included in conversations --
encouraged to associate with other
ladies.
The Bible gives us this principle: that
the aged women "may
teach the young women to be
sober, to love their husbands, to love
their children, to be discreet,
chaste, keepers at home, good,
obedient to their own husbands,
that the word of God be not
blasphemed" (Titus 2:3-5).
Teen-ager girls should learn from older
women about
homemaking. They should learn
how to be good mothers and wives!
Family Training and Discipline Are
Indispensable
Many people train their dogs far more
than they train their
own flesh and blood! They will
spend literally hours teaching their
dogs to sit, to heel and to
respond to commands. Yet practically no
time is given to teaching their
own children similar habits of
obedience.
As a parent you have both the responsibility
and the
opportunity to teach your
children not only obedience and the
respect for the rights and
property of others, but to teach them
personality development, proper
culture, and the importance of
self-discipline and study. You
have in your own hands the potential
leaders of the world tomorrow.
It all depends upon how much time
and effort you are willing to
put into training them.
All children are potentially juvenile
delinquents! It is a
matter of disciplining and
teaching them the right way. This kind
of loving correction is
something that gives a child -- all
psychologists and psychiatrists
to the contrary notwithstanding -- a
deeper sense of security and
balance in his mind and personality
than he will ever get by any
other method.
So be sure that you make this matter of
family teaching and
discipline an important part of
your family's life. Teach your
children not only to control
themselves physically but to control
their tempers -- control their
thoughts and guide them away from
competition, greed, violence and
envy, and from foolish daydreaming
and lust. Teach them to think
positively, to live positively.
Be Candid With Your
Children
Don't be afraid to tell your children
what will happen if they
will not obey. Sometimes
parents know their children are not doing
what is right but they are
afraid to tell them.
Why should parents be afraid of their
own children? Why not
call your teen-ager aside --
have a good serious talk with him. Why
not "lay it on the
line"? Tell him just where he is headed if he
will not obey. Tell him who is
the head of the house. Let him know
what his obligations are. Make
him understand. Explain thoroughly.
They should know this: Although their
parents may not have
done a perfect job in child
rearing, they -- the teen-agers -- will be
responsible for their own deeds.
They themselves will have to
answer for what they do. It's
time for them to sober up and face
the facts.
Many are in their last couple of years
in high school. How
many of them have concrete plans
for their future? For many it is
merely a vague idea. Some think
"maybe" they will go to college.
Some hide behind the high school cloak.
It is their protection
from responsible thinking.
Have you asked your son or daughter what
he or she plans to do
upon graduation? Will you let
them drift along until the last few
weeks of their senior year in
high school -- then try to rush them
into something?
Apply These Principles
Only the basic principles and a few
examples have been
covered. It is up to you to
apply them in the countless situations
that arise in the home.
Remember, knowledge is of no value
except as it is applied.
Read this material several times.
Think of how its principles apply
to your situation. Then, use the
principles consistently in your
family circle. Keep it as a
guide, and a manual. Refer to this
material whenever a special
problem arises. Reread it occasionally
as time passes. Your children
will, of course, become older and new
problems may arise.
May God give you the wisdom and
judgment, the patience and the
love you will need to guide you
in one of the most important
responsibilities of life --
rearing your children!
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