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HOW
TO HANDLE MARITAL CONFLICTS
Samuele Bacchiocchi, Ph. D., Prof. of Theology, Andrews University
> Some conflicts are
inevitable in every marriage because no
>two persons have exactly the
same personalities, attitudes, and
>values. Some of the differences do not come to
light until the
>couple has been married for
some time. When the differences
appear,
>some conflicts are bound to
arise.
>
> There is nothing wrong with
conflicts, provided they serve a
>constructive purpose by
improving communication and strengthening
>marital relationships. Sometimes
conflicts can bring smoldering
>resentments to surface,
which, left unresolved, can destroy a
>marriage or at least cost
the psychic health of one or both partners.
>
> Conflicts, per se, are not
necessarily bad or sinful. It is
>the way conflicts are
handled that determines their impact on the
>marriage relationship. Conflicts may destroy a marriage, but they
>may also strengthen it. A successful
Christian marriage is not
>necessarily one in which
there are no conflicts, but rather one in
>which the partners have
learned to resolve their differences openly,
>honestly, and
constructively.
>
> Unfortunately, in many
instances, conflicts are detrimental
>to the marriage relationship
because they become a way to attack,
>wound, and diminish the
other partner. When a couple engages
in
>name-calling, ridiculing,
and belittling each other, the result will
>only widen the gap between them. To prevent conflicts from
>deteriorating into an
all-out war, it is important to observe the
>seven
basic rules outlined below. These
rules, if obeyed, will
>enable a Christian
couple to handle their conflicts constructively,
>turning them into
opportunities for removing obstacles
to a stronger
>marriage.
>
>1. Be Committed to Preserve Your Marriage
Covenant
>
> The first rule in handling
marital conflicts successfully is
>to be totally committed to
preserving your marriage covenant. It
is
>only within the context of a
loving and irrevocable commitment that
>marital conflicts can be successfully
resolved. When couples are
>determined not to let
anything or anyone put asunder the marital
>unions established by God
(Matt 19:6), they can risk being honest and
>open in discussing their
differences.
>
> If we are deeply committed
to preserving our marriage
>covenants, we will not allow
any issue to divide us. We will not
>permit any argument to
degenerate into a hostile confrontation.
We
>will not waste our time
quarreling over things we cannot change.
> There are many differences
in marriage that by God's grace
>can be overcome, but there
are also inherited or acquired
>characteristics which we
cannot change. There is no point in my
>wife's criticizing me for my baldness or for my
heavy Italian
>accent. Similarly, there is no point for my
criticizing my wife for
>the shape of her nose or for
the extra pounds she has gained since we
>got married almost thirty
years ago. Being committed to
preserving
>our marriage covenant means
to ask God to make us willing to accept
>what we cannot change, to
give us courage to change what needs to be
>changed, and to give us
wisdom to know the difference.
>
> A total commitment is only
possible by divine grace. It is
>God that gives us the power
to hold fast to our commitments. God is
>interested in our marriages.
He not only joins our lives together,
>but He is helping us stay
together when conflicts arise. He
wants us
>to enjoy happy, harmonious marriage
relationships. He will move
>heaven and earth, if
necessary, to resolve any conflicts that may
>arise in our
relationships. But He needs our
cooperation.
>
> We must take God as our
partner into our marriage
>relationships by keeping the
fire ever burning on the altar of our
>daily worship. We must begin and close each day praying
together,
>renewing our commitment to
God and to each other. We must ask God
>daily for the enabling power
of the Holy Spirit to be truthful, kind,
>patient and understanding
toward each other. The couple that prays
>together stays together. As
our love for God increases, our love for
>one another will grow
stronger and our capacity to resolve conflicts
>will become greater.
>
>2. Be Honest and Fair in Handling the Conflict
>
> A second important rule in
handling marital conflicts is to
>be honest and fair. Couples
who are committed to preserving their
>marriage covenants will not
engage in "dirty fighting," hitting below
>the belt, or lying to win
the argument. Paul alludes to this
>principle in Ephesians 4:25
where he says: "Therefore,
putting away
>falsehood, let everyone
speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are
>members one of
another." The verses that follow
contain other
>significant principles to be
considered. The particular tense used
>in Greek for "putting
away falsehood" (aorist participle) conveys the
>idea of something already
done at a specific point in time.
Thus, a
>literal translation would
read: "Having put away falsehood, let
>everyone speak
truthfully with his neighbor."
>
> Applied to a marriage
relation, this text challenges husbands
>and wives who have laid
aside falsehood from their lives and
>relationships to speak
truthfully to one another when conflicts
>arise. It is essential for a couple to commit
themselves to an
>honest relationship so that
when conflicts develop, they will not
>fall into the trap of lying
to each other just to win the argument.
> From the very beginning of
their relationship, a couple should commit
>themselves to being totally
honest with each other. They need to
>say: "Let us not try to kid one another by
playing games. I promise
>to be honest with you and I
want you to be honest with me. If a
>conflict occurs, let us not
resort to unfair practices to win."
>
> The object of conflict
should not be not to find fault or to
>assess blame but to resolve
problems. Marriage is not a
competitive
>sport but a cooperative
endeavor. When a problem occurs, the
goal
>should not be to determine
who is right and who is wrong, but to find
>a satisfactory
solution. "The attitude of
partners," as Stephen
>Grunlan
puts it, "should not be a win/lose approach; that is, every
>solution involving a winner
and a loser. Rather, the attitude of
>partners should be a win/win
approach. The couple faces the problem
>together and when a solution
is found, they both win."
>
> When the concern of spouses
is for each to win the argument,
>ultimately, they both become losers: first, because they will often
>resort to unfair tactics to
win, and second, because the outcome of
>the conflict will be a
weaker relationship where feelings of
>resentment and bitterness
remain and eventually lead to new
>confrontations. Thus, it is most important for a couple to
handle
>conflicts with honesty and
fairness, seeking the best solution to a
>problem, regardless of whose
idea it is.
>
>3. Keep Your Anger Under Control
>
> Besides being committed to
honesty and fairness in handling
>conflicts in marriage, the
third rule is to keep your anger under
>control. Paul alludes to this principle in Ephesians
4:26 where he
>says: "Be angry but do not sin." We noticed that in the preceding
>verse Paul exhorts us to
speak truthfully to one another. This
does
>not mean that a Christian
should never feel or express anger.
Rather
>it means that truthful
persons will not allow their anger to become
>undiscipled
and uncontrolled.
>
> Something essential would
be missing in a marital partner who is unable to
feel or express anger.
Obviously, there
must be a right kind of anger.
There are situations where a
partner will be aroused to the point of
indignation by overt wrongs committed by the other partner. A marriage
covenant would lose its meaning
if, for example, spouses would not
become
angry at the infidelity of their partners. This verse tells us that there
is a place in the Christian
life for righteous indignation. God
says: "I
permit you to be angry, but don't let your anger lead you to
sin."
>
> We all know that anger
becomes sinful when is expressed
>through outbursts of temper,
profane or insulting language, or
>physical violence. Uncontrolled anger can become a deadly
weapon
>which must be banished from the
Christian life. But the
anger which
>is disciplined, selfless,
and pure, can be a great moral force in the
>world. This world would have lost much without the
righteous
>indignation of Jesus against
human hypocrisy (Mark 3:5; John 2:13-17).
>
> As sinful creatures, we are
all subject to feelings of pride,
>selfishness, fatigue,
and anxiety which sometimes
break out in
>uncontrolled outbursts of
anger and irritation. This ugly side
of
>our nature is revealed
especially in marriage, the place where we can
>safely blow off our steam
and release our frustrations. At home,
we
>can safely unload our
temper, anger, and tensions. Our angry
>outbursts, offensive
remarks, and sharp retort wound our partners who
>may also reveal their ugly
nature by retaliating with similar
>outbursts of rancor.
>
> Angry words, once spoken
even unintentionally, are deadly
>weapons that can wound and
crush our mates permanently. Just as
>God's word does not return
empty but accomplishes its purpose (Is
>55:11), so our words will
accomplish their purpose, even when we wish
>that they would not. A man who in a moment of anger tells his
wife,
>"Let's face it, I do
not feel like loving you anymore," will inflict
>upon her a permanent
wound. So does the cutting remark,
"No wonder
>you act so
irresponsibly. Your father died in a
mental hospital."
>Such cutting words cannot be
easily forgotten. Your mate may later
>say, "I forgive
you," but deep inside, the hurt caused by those words
>may never be healed. Angry words can gradually break that inner
>covenant bond that holds
marriages together. It is therefore,
>essential to learn by divine
grace to keep our anger under control.
>
> If a conflict gets out of
control in our marriage, the only
>way to still the storm is
for the more spiritually mature partner to
>break the cycle of mutual
attack by refusing to retaliate for the
>hurt received. This is the only way to bring to an end a
marital
>fight.
>
>4. Choose an Appropriate Time to Discuss a
Problem
>
> This leads us to consider a
fourth rule which is to choose
>an appropriate time to
discuss a problem. The wise man
Solomon notes
>that there is "a time
to keep silence, and a time to speak . . . a
>time for war, and a time for
peace" (Eccl 3:7-8). This is
certainly
>true of marital
conflicts. Marriage counselors agree
that timing is
>critical to constructive
resolution of conflicts. George Gach and
>Peder
Wyden write: "Far too many fights
become needlessly aggravated
>because the complaint opens
fire when his partner really is in an
>inappropriate frame of mind
or is trying to dash off to work or
>trying to concentrate on
some long-delayed chore that he has finally
>buckled down to. Indeed there are times
when failure to delay-or to
>advance-the timing of a
fight can have cataclysmic consequences."
>
> There may be times
when an issue has to be resolved
>immediately. In most cases, however, conflicts develop
over a period
>of time and can be
temporarily put off until an appropriate time.
>This is the procedure
followed in most organizations, and it should
>be followed in marriage.
>
> A basic rule to remember
regarding the timing for discussing
>problems is to avoid raising
them just before anything that will not
>provide adequate time to
satisfactorily deal with them. For
example,
>the time just before a meal,
just before going to bed, just before
>making love, just before
going to work, or just before going to
>church, is inappropriate for
dealing with unpleasant disagreements.
>
> The best time to discuss
sensitive issues or serious
>differences is when both
husband and wife are well rested, wide awake
>and feeling at ease. At such favorable times
one can be more
>rational, considerate, and
accommodating. A wise husband or wife
who
>knows the importance of
proper timing for discussing serious and
>disagreeable things will
say, "I don't think this is the best time to
>discuss this matter. Why don't we deal with it later on when the
>children are in bed or after
we have rested!" Having said this,we
>must set a time and keep the
appointment.
>
> Another important rule
regarding timing is not to prolong the
>discussion unduly. Anger, conflicts, and negative feelings
must be
>resolved as soon as possible
because the longer we postpone mending a
>conflict, the more difficult
it will be to resolve it later. Paul
>emphasizes this important
rule in Ephesians 4:26-27, saying:
"Do not
>let the sun go down on your
anger, and give no opportunity to the
>devil." This means that we must never go to sleep
with bitter
>feelings or thoughts against
our partners. If there has been a
>conflict during the day or
in the evening, we must make peace and
>banish any lingering
negative feelings before we go to sleep.
The
>longer we allow bitter
feelings to flourish, the more difficult it
>will be to eradicate them
later.
>
>5. Stick to the Issue at Hand
>
> A fifth important rule to
remember in handling marital
>conflicts
is to stick to the issue at hand.
When a couple chooses an
>appropriate time to discuss
a certain problem (rule four), they
>should use that time to
address that particular issue and not to
>bring up all their past
problems.
>
> Stephen Grunlan
relates the story of a woman who complained
>to her friend that her
husband became historical every time they had
>an argument. "Her friend corrected her by saying,
'You mean he
>becomes hysterical.' 'No,' replied the woman, 'I mean historical.
>Whenever we have an
argument, he brings up every related problem
>since we have been
married.'"
>
> Marriage counselors
emphasize the importance of sticking to
>the issue at hand. Dragging past grievances into the matter
under
>discussion will hinder the
resolution of the immediate conflict.
It
>may also open old wounds and
thus aggravate the situation.
>
> Sticking to the issue also
involves avoiding sweeping
>generalization and
accusation. The following argument
will serve to
>illustrate this point:
>
> Husband: You left the lawn mower out in the backyard
>yesterday and now the motor
is soaked from last night's rain. When
>will you ever learn to put
things away in the proper place.
>
> Wife: Look who is talking. You leave your shoes all over
>the house,
and I have to pick them up and put them away all the time.
>
> In this argument, the lawn
mower is generalized and used as a
>pretext to launch a sweeping
accusation. The wife defends herself
by
>launching a counterattack totally
unrelated to the issue involved.
>The end result is that a
minor incident can turn into a hostile
>confrontation. How different the outcome would have been
if the
>husband had stuck to the
original issue and the wife had been willing
>to accept responsibility. Imagine the conversation going something
>like this:
>
> Husband: Honey, did you know that you left the lawn
mower
>out in the backyard
yesterday, and the motor got soaked with rain
>last night?
>
> Wife: Oh no!
I completely forgot to bring in the lawn
>mower. I'm sorry.
Will you be able to get the motor started now?
>
> Husband: I think so, but I will have to pull out the
spark
>plug and dry it. I hope you won't leave the lawn mower out
again.
>
> Wife: No, I'll be sure to bring it in next
time. I'm sorry
>for causing you extra work.
> Husband: No problem.
Just remember it next time.
>
> This conversation brings a
happy ending to the incident of
>the lawn mower, leaving the
question of the shoes for another
>discussion. The husband disciplines himself by sticking
to the issue
>of the lawn mower while the
wife acknowledges her responsibility.
An
>apology and forgiveness
settles the issue. Minor incidents
such as
>this can be easily resolved
when partners stick to the issue and
>acknowledge
responsibility. Failure to do so can
cause minor
>problems to balloon into
serious altercations.
>6. Listen Carefully and Speak Tactfully
>
> Closely related to a
responsible attitude of sticking to the
>issue at hand (rule five) is
rule six: listen carefully to the
words
>of your mate and speak
tactfully. Conflicts in marriage
should serve
>to improve communication by
helping partners know better how each
>feels and thinks about an
issue.
>
> Communication presupposes
listening. Learning to listen
>carefully to the words of a
mate is essential in handling conflicts.
>Yet, this rule of effective
listening is most difficult to implement
>because in a conflict
situation when a person is talking, the other
>is not listening but is
thinking about how to respond. The
louder
>our voices and the uglier
our words, the less our spouses will listen
>and the poorer will be our
communication.
>
> It is important to listen
carefully to understand what the
>real
issue is. For example, a husband may
complain over the fact
>that his wife bought a new
vacuum cleaner rather than having the old
>one
repaired. In reality,
what he may be complaining about is the
>fact that his wife did not
consult him. He may fear that his wife
>does not think that he is
responsible for the home. Or a wife
may
>complain that her husband
spends little time with her when what she
>really
means is that her husband does not seem to care enough for
>her.
>
> When a couple argues and fights,
they need to make sure that
>they understand what they
are really fighting about.
This is
>possible only by learning to
listen carefully to each other and to
>ask questions that may help
uncover those hidden feelings which are
>the cause of the conflict.
>
> Understanding the issue
through careful listening and
>questioning is the first
important step. Equally important is
the
>next step of speaking
tactfully and graciously. Paul
expresses this
>principle in Ephesians 4:29,
saying: "Let no evil talk come
out of
>your mouths, but only such
as is good for edifying, as fits the
>occasion, that it may impart
grace to those who hear."
>
> A Christian
is called upon to refrain from harsh, evil
>speaking and to engage
instead in edifying speech which imparts grace
>and encouragement to
others. This requires learning to be
courteous
>and tactful in our
speaking. Tact involves being sincere
and open
>while at the same time
showing respect for the other person's
>feelings, and being careful
not to hurt them unnecessarily. Christ
>is our perfect example of
tactfulness and courtesy even toward His
>persecutors. As His followers we should manifest the
same attitude,
>especially toward our family
members.
>
> True courtesy and
tactfulness in speech is not learned merely
>by practising
a few rules of etiquette, but through a renewal of the
>heart. It is only when the heart has been touched
by the love of
>Christ
that people will feel motivated to listen carefully and to
>speak tactfully to all,
especially to their marital partners.
>
>7. Be Willing to Forgive and to Forget
>
> The success
of the preceding six rules in resolving marital
>conflicts is largely
dependent upon the seventh rule which is to be
>willing to forgive and to
forget the wrongs of your mate.
Ideally,
>marital conflicts should
always be handled in a controlled and
>rational way, leading to
greater communication between mates.
>Realistically, however, in
every marriage there are times when
>conflicts become
uncontrolled and irrational. There are
situations,
>when because of fatigue,
pride, selfishness, anxiety, the ugly side
>of our nature breaks out in
angry outbursts, cutting remarks, abusive
>language, or irrational
accusations. Such behavior awakens the
>equally ugly side in our
mates who may retaliate similarly with angry
>and abusive language.
>
> The only way to bring a
conflict which has gotten out of
>control to a satisfactory
end, is for one partner to break the
>retaliation cycle by
forgiving the other partner for the hurt
>received. In Christian
marriages forgiveness must be patterned after
>the forgiveness Christ
offers us. He forgives us in spite of
the
>pain and sorrow we have
caused Him. On the cross, Christ
forgave
>those who crucified Him,
saying: "Father, forgive them;
for they
>know not what they do"
(Luke 23:34). When we
forgive, we acknowledge
>that we have suffered a real
wrong which by God's grace we choose to
>forget.
>
> In a covenant marriage, we
recognize the sin that our mates
>have committed against
us. We do not explain away the sinful
>behaviour
of our mate by saying, "He did not mean what he said," or
>"Probably I deserve
what he did to me," or "I do not feel really
hurt
>by what he did to
me." Rather, we realistically
recognize that we
>have suffered wrong, but we
do not allow such wrongs to weaken our
>mutual commitment. Why?
First, because we recognize that we are
>sinful beings who sometimes
hurt each other terribly. We violate
the
>deepest trust of our
mates. We trample upon their unconditional
>love. Second, because we realize
that since God can forgive our
>mates, so can we.
>
> Forgiveness in a marriage
covenant must be as unconditional
>as is Christ's
forgiveness to us. In Ephesians 4:32,
Paul writes:
>"And be kind to one
another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as
>God in Christ
forgave you." God forgave us in Christ,
not after we
>promised to reform and obey,
but "while we were yet sinners" (Rom
>5:8). In the same way, we must forgive our mates
not only if they
>promise never to wrong us
again, but simply because God in Christ
has
>forgiven us.
>
> This means that when we
forgive, we must be willing to forget
>the wrong we have
suffered. The Scripture reassures us
that God's
>forgiveness involves
forgetting our sinful actions:
"I, I am He who
>blots out your
transgressions for my own sake, I will not remember
>your sins" (Is
43:25). "As far as the east is
from the west, so far
>does he remove our
transgressions from us" (Ps 103:17; cf. Jer
31:34;
>2 Cor
5:17-19).
>
> Forgiveness in a marriage
covenant involves forgetting the
>wrongs a mate has committed
and choosing not to recount them later.
>If we continue to remember
and to bring up past grievances every time
>a conflict breaks out, then
we have not truly forgiven our mate
>because genuine forgiveness
means blot ting out past wrongs from
>memory (Acts 3:19). Such a forgiveness is possible when we personally
>have experienced the
blessing of God's forgiveness in our lives.
>When the love of Christ
has flooded our hearts, we will have the
>motivating power to forgive.
>
> Genuine forgiveness makes
us free to love, to trust, and to
>grow with our mates. It enables us to break the cycle of
retaliatory
>attacks. If we have been wounded by the words or
actions of our
>mates, we refuse to
retaliate by returning words or actions in
>kindness. Such an attitude can calm tensions and
create a pleasant
>atmosphere conducive to a
rational discussion of the problem.
>
> A couple willing to forgive
each other will also help each
>other to repent of wrong
doings. In the Christian
life, we are led
>to repentance by the
convicting power of the Holy Spirit which
>reveals to us our sinfulness
and God's forgiving grace. When we
>experience God's forgiving
grace in our lives, we feel sorry for our
>past sins, and we sincerely
want to walk in newness of life. The
>same is true in the marital
relationship. If my wife forgives me,
I
>will feel sorry for my wrong
doings, and I will seek not to betray
>her love and trust
again. Forgiveness gives us a chance
to begin
>again and develop a stronger
relationship because it is based on the
>power of forgiving love
which can conquer conflicts and reconcile us
>to God and to one another.
>
>CONCLUSION
>
> Some conflicts are
inevitable in every marriage because no
>two
persons have exactly the same personality, attitude, and values.
>A successful
Christian marriage is not necessarily one in which there
>are no conflicts, but rather
one in which partners have learned to
>handle their conflicts
constructively, turning them into
>opportunities for improving
communication and building a stronger
>marriage covenant. We have found that seven basic rules can
help in
>turning conflicts into
constructive opportunities.
>
> First, we must be totally
committed to preserving our
>marriage covenant. It is
only within the context of a loving and
>steadfast commitment that
marital conflicts can be successfully
>resolved.
>
> Second, we must be honest
and fair in handling marital
>conflicts, avoid hitting
below the belt or lying to win the argument.
>Our concern should be to
find the best solution to the problem,
>irrespective of who wins or
loses.
>
> Third, we must learn to
keep our anger under control,
>avoiding outbursts of anger,
insulting language, and cutting remarks.
>If the conflict gets out of
control, the more spiritually mature
>partner will seek to still
the storm by refusing to retaliate for the
>hurt received.
>
> Fourth, we must choose an
appropriate time to discuss a
>problem, avoiding raising
issues just before anything that would not
>provide adequate time to
deal with them satisfactorily.
>
> Fifth, we must learn to
stick to the issue at hand, and not
>use the occasion to bring up past
grievances. This includes
>avoiding sweeping
generalizations and accusations.
>
> Sixth, we must learn to
listen carefully to the words of our
>mates and to speak
tactfully. Such an approach will make
it possible
>to uncover hidden feelings which may be the
cause of the conflict.
>
> Seventh, we must be willing
to forgive and to forget the
>wrongs of our mates, not
because we are morally upright, but because
>we have experienced God's
forgiving grace in our lives. By
learning
>to forgive and to forget, we
become free to love, to trust, and to
>grow into a stronger
covenant relationship.
>
>Christian
regards
>
>Samuele
Bacchiocchi, Ph. D.,
>Professor of Theology and
Church History,
>Andrews
University
>4990 Appian Way
>Berrien Springs, MI 49103
>
>Phone (616) 471-2915 Fax (616) 471-4013
>
>E-mail: <sbacchiocchi@qtm.net>
> <samuele@andrews.edu>
>
>WWW HOMEPAGE: http://www.biblicalperspectives.com
>
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